hi guys. I have BPD, psychosis and was told by a psychiatrist that I have PTSD. No one really knows whats wrong with me as I also don't fit into boxes. Hope it's okay for me to join this thread.
April: well me and Dave made up now. I was so close to ending it. I don't think he understands but I said that I want him to have someone perfect and I'm not perfect for him. I just care for him so much, I don't want to see him hurt and I feel I hurt him. But I've decided that I'm going to try and get something done about this. This obviously isn't just a phase; I've been self harming for 6 years and I've always had low days. I just... I don't know whether to say about the low days or the anxiety in public too because it's starting to get to me. I'm just worried because I'm on a Social Work degree and I don't want them to think I can't do it. If I couldn't do it, I would have dropped out by now :/ Sorry, there's lots going on in my head!
I'm sorry that you can sympathise with me :/ I wish I was the only person in the world who felt like this *cuddles*. Glad you had fun at target shooting though :)
*Big hugs* It can be hard, but maybe it's better to have at least a little understanding of why you feel like you do. Do you think when you see your NP/therapist, you could talk abour your bipolar? Have you been on any medication that helps?
Hazel: *big squishes* to you too. Hold on in there darling.
Emma/Pnuemonia Blue: Hi there :) You're very welcome to join sweetheart.
You can't lose hope when it's hopeless.
You gotta hope more,
then put your fingers in your ears and go,
"Blah blah blah blah!"
Welcome to the thread, Emma. :) Glad to see a new face... not that I don't like the "old" ("old" because this thread hasn't been around for long!!), but it's good to know that our ranks are growing. :D How are you doing tonight?
Hazel *cuddles* What's a cadet? And yeh, my mum especially triggers my ED. There is a thread about that in the ED forum... geez, it's like I post threads right and left... but it's because I want advice/support and I don't really get it much IRL. :-/
Lanny *huggles* I'm glad to hear that you and your boyfriend have made up. :) That's always good... I hear you there though, as I think my husband deserves someone much, much better than I am. That's partially my awfully low self esteem speaking and also my extreme self hatred... but, well, I guess that's pretty much it. Heh. Because we do get on extremely well, and love each other very much, etc., etc. I've known him since 2004. :) J/w, how old are you?
I know a lot about bipolar, kind of, as I've read a lot of memoirs AND informational books and journal articles about it. I'm on a counseling track for uni (psychology) and have spent a lot of time delving into my bipolar and ED for papers, etc. I have no problem baring myself and my history for profs, especially those who actually care. Heh. I don't totally understand WHY I feel the way I do, though... maybe I'll talk with my NP/therapist about it. And yeh, I've been on a total of 22 meds - not counting my current four - for different things, including bipolar. Worst were lithium - made me swell up like a balloon because I didn't drink enough and retained water - and another, Buspar, that made my sex drive ramp up awfully high. It was prior to marriage and so because I don't believe in premarital sex etc., I didn't know what to do except stop taking the med. So I did. :P It was pretty embarrassing at the time, though >_< but I can laugh about it now, which is good. Hehe.
I'm glad that I can sympathize with you... I mean, yeh, it would be nice if no one else suffered the same things that each of us do - but can you imagine being completely & totally alone with your problems, with no one else to relate? *squishes*
Just ate supper... don't feel that great. :( I ate too much... I think. Ugh. And one of my meal items was reheated from dinner out last night, and it was so freaking oily... *gag* Oh well. I ate it. And I got a lot of protein today, too. :) So that's good.
Tomorrow hubby's going back to work... so I'll have to find support elsewhere. :(
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
cadets is a youth organisation that's semi-connected to the miliarty. I was in the ATC (air training corp) and then the OTC (officer traning corps), the ATC was like a military based youth club (for want of a better description) whereas the OTC is a part of the treitorial army - so I got paid :)
my mum is taking me shopping tomorrow it's meant to e to buy shoes as my trainers sort of went rotten (literally!) but I just know she'lll use it as an excuse to remark on my weight and body shape and stuff. Hate it. I guess it wouldn't be so bad, but one of my alters (have dissacoiative identity disorder - even though can't spell it lol) formed not long before we were hospitalised for the ED and so she is still fully in the ED mindset, and she thinks that if we were to eat then "the bad man" would come back on top f that so even though I can put up with my mums comments it finlters through to her and then it all goes wrong...
*holds Hazel* I'm sorry about that... I figured you had DID (dissociative is how it's spelt, hehe ) when you kept referring to yourself as "we" but I didn't want to ask, as not to be rude. :-X I hope that tomorrow goes better for you than you expect it to... *more hugs*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
Got up a bit ago, it's just 5am here. Am still in my pj's though, heh. :) And I'm drinking what was SUPPOSED to be hot cider, but it's rather chilly now. Guess I let it sit for too long after heating it up... whoops. Lol.
*sends out more hugs*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
My mum made some comments on the bodies size today, so now one of my alters is very upset and is wanting to slip back fully into old ways. I'm hoping that she calms down before we go shopping.
but... in about 50 hours we will no longer be here, no longer be in this city even, and will be with boyfriend :)
how is everyone else? (going shopping very soon so if I vanish it be nothing personal :P )
Good afternoon everyone :) *Squishes* Hazel, I've seen your picture and I think you're really very gorgeous, and I mean that.
April: Sorry, this might turn out a huge message in reply to what you posted last night :)
I guess it's good that somebody understands that I don't feel good enough for Dave 'cause he sure as hell doesn't understand. You sound like you've got a real keeper with your husband though, so don't let him go :) Alas, I'm only 18 *sigh* I do feel very young at times. How old are you?
I hope you get to Uni, but just a heads up, it can be really difficult sometimes, make sure you have the support you need for it. Talking with your NP and Therapist does sound like a good idea though, they might be able to come out with some good reasoning as why you feel how you do because, well, it's what they do I guess.
I have heard that Lithium is awful. One of my friend's b/f is on it, and it does nothing for him, and even though I've tried telling him he should go back to the doctor, he won't listen. I really hope you find something that works for you, and doesn't have such... frustrating side effects :P I always worry that medication would mess up my sex drive, haha, that's the one thing I couldn't cope with!
I guess it's nice in a way to know that you're not the only person in the world to feel low but at times I just feel myself thinking, how many other people feel like this and suffer like this? It just doesn't seem right, y'know? But I guess a lot in the world isn't right.
*Big squishes* I'm glad you did manage to eat though darling, even if it's playing on your mind now. Lots of protein is good too *nod*
We're here if you need to talk :)
You can't lose hope when it's hopeless.
You gotta hope more,
then put your fingers in your ears and go,
"Blah blah blah blah!"
I'm not sure I will ever belive that lol. Esspeically as I "finally" got up to a healthy weight not long ago so now my mind is seriously panicing and I'm finding it hard to ignore...
by the way, what do nuetrisonists actually do? I had to see one years ago but I sort of only turned up about twice and I can't fremember what they did lol
I've heard a lot of bad stuff about Lithium too. Even for people wo it works for aparently the side-effects can be awful; but everyone's different so never know :P
Hazel *hugs* Sorry to hear about how upsetting your mum's comments were... that must've been so frustrating and painful!! Are you doing a bit better now? And erm, nutritionists basically tell you what to eat, when to exercise, and keep an eye on fat/lean muscle gained/lost, also water retained. So he's not doing anything that I couldn't do at home with a proper scale. Heh. I almost completed a nutrition minor so I know a lot about food etc., also from just being eating disordered. You learn a lot then when you get SO obsessed over food!! :-/
Lanny *huggles* I'm actually a 6th year senior in uni, so yeh, I know it can be tough. I'm 21 going on 22. I've got a lot of support, although not as much as I would like - my family is being kind of stupid at the mo although they don't know it as I haven't talked with them about it. >_< I don't know how to bring it up... I don't want to cause alienation from them because I do need them for friendship, if not support really. Ugh. :( But anyway, yeah, I really like uni. I'm hoping to be done in August, then get a job and let my husband go to the same uni to which I'm currently going. :)
Yep, he's definitely a keeper!! As we don't really believe in divorce, for ourselves especially, I think we'll be together "til death do us part." I definitely hope so, at least... I don't want to have to live without him, and he's the same way... don't want to lose each other. I've known him since BEFORE I started self injuring... and that was pretty much the beginning of all of my mental health problems - so let's just say it feels like I've known him FOREVER!!! lol. :P
Well, meds have messed up my sex drive (lol) but I don't mind. I don't really enjoy sex as I was sexually abused for 2 years in school... only one time was it really bad, the rest of the time it was just touching... but it still scarred me emotionally. But anyway - this conversation is too adult for me ;) haha. I just don't want to get this thread on a too adult track. >_<
No, it doesn't feel right, that so many people struggle - and I think that nearly everyone has his/her own fight to face... but the world is a messed up one... one day it will be righted. But for now, we've just got to deal with life as it is, I suppose, and try and make it better for those we can. :)
*cuddles everyone and leaves some calorie-free truffles [the chocolate kind] on the table*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
Hello Kitkat, welcome to the thread. *hugs* How're you doing today?
Emma *hug* how're you?
Lanny, how's your day going so far? *huggles*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
Good afternoon Kitat, Emma and April :)
Sorry April, I read everything you put but I was out all of last night. I've been a bit busy. I'm kinda ill today so bear with me, heh. I'm glad you enjoy Uni though, at least one of us does. I think I have a lot on my mind today, so I'm not sure how it'll go :/
How are you April?
*Squishes to all*
You can't lose hope when it's hopeless.
You gotta hope more,
then put your fingers in your ears and go,
"Blah blah blah blah!"
but while I'm at m parents there's little I can do about it anyway. In fact I think they may be triggering it...
) when you kept referring to yourself as "we" but I didn't want to ask, as not to be rude. :-X I hope that tomorrow goes better for you than you expect it to... *more hugs*
