The point of this thread is so that I don't see myself as a freak!
The reasons 'for' freak feeling are -
Sometimes I behave weirdly because of when I feel under threat all the time.
I'm socially awkward.
My face shows difficult feelings too clearly.
I'm 40, never had a sexual or romantic relationship.
I was bullied for many years, and it's easy to tell.
I'm short and skinny, and look much younger than I am.
No, this isn't the same.
The previous thread was me abusing myself. And because I don't want to do that, I started this thread, starting afresh.
This thread is about how to stop doing verbally abusing myself, and having wrong, damaging beliefs about myself. But these beliefs are hard to break. Hence this thread.
The previous thread was about 'how to cope with being an awful person, an outsider everyone hates' and this thread is about 'how to accept I'm an ok person, and can include myself if I trust myself enough'. But there are Blocks to that. Hence my need to work on this.
My mind state is exactly opposite to the previous thread. But it's hard to work through.
And I was so out of it when I posted the previous thread. I'm not now.
It's beliefs that I shouldn't be around people, that I'm toxic and just here to be laughed at and made fun of. It's beliefs that no one would ever want to be around me, and that I am unable to relate to people. That I have no worth, except as something to abuse and laugh at.
Feelings of being totally alone, and unlike anyone else, and ugly and... all of that.
In this mind set I call myself stupid, ugly, worthless, a freak, a crazy freak, retarded, all of that.
Including myself, rather than isolating myself. Trusting that I can relate, even if I feel awkward.
'B' for Blocks because they are, well, Big. Huge. Formed for self defence, but no longer help me, if they ever did.
I've started working on this in therapy, just was looking for some input, ideas, reality checking.
Using positive language about yourself repeatedly may help. For example, looking at yourself in the mirror and saying things such as 'I am a kind, caring person and I deserve to be loved and respected'. It may sound ridiculous but for somebody who isn't used to thinking (or hearing) about themselves in any positive way it's really difficult. I find it extremely hard - almost like another part of me wants to shout 'No I'm not, I'm a pathetic waste of oxygen!' in response If you force yourself to say and repeat positive things over and over, you can become more comfortable with linking your notion of your self with positive qualities and good things. It is training your brain to overide the link between yourself and negative words that can come about, for example, through being bullied.
It doesn't work so well if you negate your beliefs, like 'I am not a freak' because your brain will still pick up the 'I am ... freak' which is already lodged there to start with.
I can sort of understand the feeling of being a freak, I have a bit of an obsession with wanting to be "normal" but I have been told to try to think of it differently, I can't remember the exact line that was said to me right now but it's something like: reacting normaly to abnormal situation and so being normal in an abormal life. Maybe you could try to turn the thinking round to something like that too?
Just wanted to say that it is a purely personal against me kind of thing, pretty much. It's all I was made to believe about myself by girls who bullied me.
I am NOT calling anyone else a freak. I promise that.
This is to help me feel better about myself, not make me feel worse by digging holes in what I say. That's how it feels, anyway.
Yes, I have resentment against the girls who bullied me, and yes I act this out. In that way it is not 'only about me'. But you seem to be implying I'm calling others freaks. And I'm not.
True, people who think I'm not a freak might feel upset by the fact that I think I do. But that is something else altogether.
Last edited by Stellata : 03-09-2010 at 07:37 AM.
Reason: Sorry.
Perhaps that puts it in context, clears up any confusion, and explains how it is an encapsulated thing, not something I see in others. At all. They are all 'perfect' and I'm the worst of all evil and badness. It's a black and white thinking mindset. Obviously, it's not a mindset I'm in all the time, or I wouldn't be able to reflect on it. I'm working at bridging the gap between understanding I'm not this, and the belief that I am.
I work with many people the same size and build as me, for example. I certainly don't see them as freaks. [In the mindset I am in when I call myself a freak.]
This judgement on myself is a result of chronic ongoing abuse over many years, where people who wanted to feel bigger about themselves and better than me to feel good about themselves attacked every vulnerability in my appearance and self esteem that they could find, until almost total destruction resulted. Then this was compounded by my receiving a mental health diagnosis [and any stigma attached from certain circles, and more excuse to 'beat myself up' - my father always used mental illness ideas as a threat to me and a potential reason for abandonment] and the defence behaviours I built up over the years and mark me out as 'outside mainstream society' viz. feeling under threat all the time.
To be honest I see nothing wrong with not being academically able (no one is stupid and certainly not retarded. I hate that word) or not physically attractive (I'm certainly not!).
I think you believe that too, so you need to keep saying positive thoughts and 'correcting' yourself when you say or write anything negative. You may not believe the positive for a while, but at least you will stop reinforcing the negative.
Im sorry but i really dont think its fair to take an attitude with people because you read something a certain way, yourockmysocks said nothing wrong at all and was actully being very helpful. I just pointed out you already had a similar thread and its like you bit my head off being denfensive to why you needed a new one.
You have issues going on right now and its comming across the fourms and im sure lots of people can pick up on it and im not sure what to say because i feel anything i say is going to be hit with a wall of denfensive. From what i pick up on you need people to validate you as a person, you reply on other people to tell you things about yourself because you want to beilve people can see something different to what you see in the mirror each day, people do, people say a sensitive caring person who would do anything to help people, but everyone has a self perception of themselfs and how they look and act.
Really you dont need other people to validate you, you need to learn that people dont see you as a freak, they just see you.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
I think a lot of symptoms issues that you've said that has come across. I may be wrong, but I think you need to go through past experiences with abuse, because that might have contributed to how you're feeling and seeing yourself.
Quote:
It's beliefs that I shouldn't be around people, that I'm toxic and just here to be laughed at and made fun of. It's beliefs that no one would ever want to be around me, and that I am unable to relate to people. That I have no worth, except as something to abuse and laugh at.
Feelings of being totally alone, and unlike anyone else, and ugly and... all of that.
In this mind set I call myself stupid, ugly, worthless, a freak, a crazy freak, retarded, all of that.
I think this is a lot to do with having social anxiety disorder, and avoidant personality disorder. It seems as though you can't relate to people, so you feel as though you are freak. I get this a lot as well, so I feel your distressing feelings to some extent.maybe you should start thinking about what you relate to within hobbies/personality/ etc with another person?
I don't know.. but that's my two pennies.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." - W. Gibson.
I honestly feel, Mari, that there's something you're not understanding here. I'm not sure how else to get my meaning across. Maybe I'm not finding the right words.
Yes, I'm extra sensitive right now.
I'm looking at some tough feelings, and actually they need approaching with sensitivity too.
Some people are correctly understanding that this comes from my being a survivor of trauma in relationship.
I apologise if I'm coming across as defensive or upsetting people. Can you understand that this is because I'm working my hardest to convey meaning in a way in which I feel it, but I don't seem to have adequete words. This is a very delicate, vulnerable issue. And I feel sad and frustrated that I can't express it as I need. It's kind of like having an emotional 'stammer'.
It's not that I'm not intelligent. But this just... hurts. And, with very painful things, like most other people, I get defensive. Because it hurts to 'touch' it.
I honestly started this thread as a new start in looking at myself more kindly. And, understandably, it hurts and feels frustrating to be/feel put in the same place as I was when I wrote the other thread. That just feeds on the mindset I'm trying to get out of, and felt dismissive. Can you understand how that goes?
True, I could have added on to my previous thread, changing the title. But I made a conscious, deliberate choice not to do that, yet I'm tarred by the same brush, as it were, by you.
Maybe you feel frustrated that I'm not able to change my self beliefs fast. I would that I could, but there's a lot of years of harm from others causing this, and it's become embedded. I am now actively working on this compassionately with my therapist.
Or maybe this topic brings up raw feelings in you about the way you've seen/see yourself. I may be wrong, but am just putting it out here. I know you're also stressed about starting back at uni. So, your response to my threads re this issue may be particularly intense because of this. We are stressed, we get reactive. I understand.
True, I was very defensive, including on RYL, over the weekend. I know that. But I got through that, as my stress levels reduced. You seem to think I'm still 'there'. My impression has been that I'm not. I do take issue at being seen as being in a place that I've moved on from some, and this is bound to set off my defence system.
Perhaps I need to keep discussion of this only to therapy.
I was just hoping here for a bit of moral support and any tips, that was all. And for those, many thanks. I'm replying to them below.
Last edited by Stellata : 02-09-2010 at 08:18 AM.
Reason: Clarifying.
I think a lot of symptoms issues that you've said that has come across. I may be wrong, but I think you need to go through past experiences with abuse, because that might have contributed to how you're feeling and seeing yourself.
I think this is a lot to do with having social anxiety disorder, and avoidant personality disorder. It seems as though you can't relate to people, so you feel as though you are freak. I get this a lot as well, so I feel your distressing feelings to some extent.maybe you should start thinking about what you relate to within hobbies/personality/ etc with another person?
I don't know.. but that's my two pennies.
I'm working through all the abuse experiences slowly and carefully. There're so many layers of feeling.
You're right, I have [always] had social anxiety. I haven't been diagnosed with that, or avoidant personality. But for sure it's there. [It's there in Complex PTSD too, which is more on the lines my therapist is working with me on.]
I'm also working on overcoming this. Steadily, gently. There is so much pain there.
"Perhaps that puts it in context, clears up any confusion, and explains how it is an encapsulated thing, not something I see in others. At all. They are all 'perfect' and I'm the worst of all evil and badness. It's a black and white thinking mindset. Obviously, it's not a mindset I'm in all the time, or I wouldn't be able to reflect on it. I'm working at bridging the gap between understanding I'm not this, and the belief that I am."
I frequently find myself inclined to view the world in just this same way. It's like I'm fighting it off constantly. Everyone else is "good"--I can make excuses for their behavior and imagine that they behave wrongly sometimes for reasons I don't understand. But I have no excuses for myself.
So I totally understand what it's like to feel that you are the "bad guy". One silly thing that helps me is to listen to a piece of music that touches me really deeply and take note of how it makes me feel--perceptive of beauty, connected with humanity, etc. Then I think, first, if I were actually "bad and inhuman" would I be able to feel this way? And second I think about what is good in human beings--including myself--and what I can do to show that goodness in my own life. A lot of people see the goodness in you. It's always there and you can learn to see it for yourself. You are beautiful and you've got a lot to give.
Thanks Trissy.
The idea to do something actively to connect with deeper more tender feelings is a good idea. :)
To be honest I see nothing wrong with not being academically able (no one is stupid and certainly not retarded. I hate that word) or not physically attractive (I'm certainly not!).
I think you believe that too, so you need to keep saying positive thoughts and 'correcting' yourself when you say or write anything negative. You may not believe the positive for a while, but at least you will stop reinforcing the negative.
Thing is, my academic ability is pretty good.
I also hate the 'r' word with a passion.
And, it's my feelings that 'get ugly' and show up on my face. My face, which is ok, but does show emotional trauma scars, if that makes sense.
You're right, I don't really believe those abusive about me things. Internal-abuser mind though finds them great ammunition. Sadly. I wish it wouldn't.
It's my social intelligence that is lacking. Although I can be very sociable.
Katie, I don't know what to say. I wasn't trying to wind you up. I wasn't trying to imply anything.
I hear how you were simply voicing a thought, and didn't mean anything by it. I respect and appreciate your explaining this to me. I'm sorry if I upset you.
However, unfortunately it touched a very raw nerve in me. I apologise for my reaction. My reaction however also tells me something important that I can use to help me understand myself and others further. Yes, when I call myself a 'freak' I do make assumptions about others. Not that they're freaks, but that they agree with my devastating opinion of myself. Unfortunately, every school day for a decade or so, my peers DID call me a freak, treat me like I was one, and other things besides. And my father reinforced this. Until I totally believed it and took on their belief system. Total brainwashing for feelings of worthlessness.
If you force yourself to say and repeat positive things over and over, you can become more comfortable with linking your notion of your self with positive qualities and good things. It is training your brain to overide the link between yourself and negative words that can come about, for example, through being bullied.
I wasn't trying to wind you up. I wasn't trying to imply anything.