I can't hardly bear the pain and grief of how isolated I've become, made myself in recent years. How I've stopped myself from relating with people.
I want to change this, but it's so hard.
I am assailed by utter despair, suicidal feelings, pain and grief for my own life, beyond bearing almost.
I don't know how to cope with this, even if it is possible to cope with this.
I'm frightened.
I'm hurting.
But this pain cannot be taken away, except by ending my life - or relating to others, which can't be done overnight, and even then, the pain of all these years of loss is still there.
I'm really sorry you're going through this, I know how horrible it feels to be so alone and isolated from everybody. But, you say you want to change, which you can. Yes, it's hard and yes, it's going to take awhile, but it'll be worth it in the end. I don't think you actually want to die to be honest. I know it's really hard and sometimes you can feel like you have no other options, but you have to remember, if you die nothing good will ever come of it.
If you die now, you give up any chance of ever being able to relate to people and make friends. You give up any chance of any happiness you have coming to you in the future. I've seen you around the boards a lot, and you seem very intelligent, so I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know.
Honestly though, I know how difficult this can be, but I also know that dying isn't the way to deal with anything. Sorry I don't have the most helpful advice, but I just wanted to say I could relate a bit. My PM box is always open. xx
I've somehow got through a whole afternoon at work.
I just don't know where to go from here. I've opened a vast vat of pain in my psyche that has to be crossed before I get anywhere. And it's surrounded by defences against the pain, but the defences just make the pain worse.
*huggles*
I've known you for quite a while now and yet I never know quite what to say to help. youre very brave and very strong in my opinion - and you've always offerred me support. I think you are definitely going in the right direction, but - lets roll out the cliches - it has to get worse before it gets better. I think it's incredible that you're holding down a job at all - but you can't get frustrated at yourself when it doesn't go to plan :)
ps sorry that this message was incomplete - my computer crashed and by the time I got internet-explorer working again I'd completely forgotten what I was doing. Hope you're okay <3
take care, stay strong
xxxx
Last edited by bobbiwibble : 09-12-2009 at 04:52 PM.
I'm sorry, I'm not much help with anything and for anybody right now. I'm desperately trying to get back my heart. I'm in touch with my homeopath and things are in hand. I also have the rest of the week off work, don't go back until next Monday. This was arranged before I ... crumpled.
I'm sorry, I've posted so much for support lately.
I do appreciate the support I'm given, I really do. I do have a hard time communicating my appreciation, I'm working on that, too.
don't be sorry for asking for suport and try not to worry about not beig up to helping others. You need to look after you right now.
I dont have any real adivse... but I think this may be in part a waiting game, the ain will platue, and then start to diminish as you wrk through the routes f it all
You're right, Hazel, thank you.
I've managed to make a few internal connections now, which helps. The key always seems to be in the child state. But from that I have to navigate myself into accepting that I'm an adult. It's really hard, and complicated to explain.
I still don't have many words this morning, and still feel quite 'shut off' although I feel less frozen and trapped.
Tears are never far away, and the seemingly 'slightest' trigger could send me either way - into deep tears, or raging hostility. Of which two the tears are better, because I'm less defended then. It's where the tears then go that's the problem.
Sorry, no real words or advice, but I do hope the increased remedy will help you.
Do you think some of this 'raw' feeling is in part to do with stopping/decreasing your med? (I *think* it was mirtazapine?)
xxx
Thanks Romp, me too. It'll probably be a few days before it arrives and I get to pick it up.
The thing is, I've had episodes like this when on the full dose of mirtazapine. So yeah. There might be some connection, though, in that I'm slightly more sensitive to the triggers - usually being alone, feeling pushed away, that kind of thing.
Voices telling me to 'shut up'. Normally my voices are my thoughts, but I actually heard this from inside my head by my ear, rather than just inside my head. I know it's from my mind, but I heard it.
I feel tearful, and frustrated. I want to hurt myself, just to feel real.
I'm scared. In Monday's session Katrina lost it really badly, and I lost myself to Katrina really badly. How will this afternoon's session be? How will I cope?
My shoulder hurts from lying on it awkwardly in the night, and that adds to the pain and frustration.
I felt better for a while this morning, then now I'm alone in the flat [my flatmate was in earlier, has now gone out] everything's flooding in again.
*huggles* sorry for the late reply. how did it go?
does your T know how to deal with Katrina? :) I'm sorry I do find it a bit amusing that the part of you that seems to be constantly raging is called Katrina - as the only other Katrina I've ever heard of was a hurricane!!!
Hence her name... well, also it's the name of one of the bullies. Plus it's a derivative of my name.
Most times she knows how to deal with her, but sometimes it's... tougher.
It wasn't great, although I opened up about some feelings I've not explored fully before.
Sorry, it's hard for me to type, I came out of the session walked part way down the road, tripped on the curb and have grazed both my hands.
I'm hurting all over, emotionally and physically.
