Does it sound weird/awful that I wish/think that my problems are more akin to dissociation than psychosis, sometimes? I don't mean DID... but some form of dissociation. I don't know. Sorry.
I guess I just don't "buy" this whole psychosis thing. I had trauma in my childhood and I think that it has, in some way, led to parts of my psyche not being properly integrated, rather than being psychosis. I suppose the "wish" is that professionals would look into this, rather than consider it psychosis. There again, maybe I'm just trying to find a medical label, when it might not be necessary.
I guess I've experienced the Controllers as being both outside and inside (inside being literally, with a microchip)... perhaps mainly outside... and it seems to be Them that professionals consider psychosis, but I might be wrong. They are usually most concerned when I talk about the Controllers, but not so much when I talk about the others, and describe this as "unwell" so maybe they think that's psychosis, I don't know.
I think the others are all on the inside, but even that seems blurry at times... because they don't just seem to be people/beings, but whole worlds. For example, they live in different places. Jenny in her room, the Minotaur in the Labyrinth etc. Can "others" live elsewhere, but inside at the same time? Man, I'm confused. Often I don't know where "I" am, where I fit in, where my physical and psychological boundaries are.
Thanks for letting me ramble on about this, I sort of feel like I'm intruding, so thanks for letting me here.
no, I guess not. But still, I guess as they feel real and if they keep saying something over and over it may feel like you have to do it even though really you don't
disappear: I know what you mean about psychosis being sometimes connected to trauma. For me, I am pretty sure I deal with both psychosis and dissociation. Psychosis for me is more when I'm in my mode where I just think differently than everyone else, its like a whole other train of thought, and its not really related to any trauma that I am aware of. However, when I was with my very horrible ex, I became ridiculously psychotic and a lot of that involved more dissociation.
So I think its very possible to maybe have already had a tendency towards psychosis and then when bad things happen, and you mind dissociates, they can get mixed together. Cause if you think about it, dissociation and psychosis are both alternate states of mind. When you're paranoid, you're in a completely different world/train of thought than most people, and its very similar in the way you're in a completely different world when you dissociate, its just a bit different in the reasons and the manifestations. I don't think its nearly as clear cut as psychiatrists think. Also I personally think psychosis can develop from not having typical social/human interactions and from isolation and stuff, even professionals will tell you environmental factors increase the likelihood of psychosis even though they claim its all chemical.
Really I think our brains are very complex and the diagnostic boxes don't always fit. Its amazing what our brains do to help us survive/cope, and even if they aren't necessarily healthy in the long run, we can appreciate that they helped us at the time, and I think that the line between psychosis and dissociation is really blurred a lot of the time.
I always saw your experiences as primarily trauma/dissociation related.
There ARE books out there on trauma and psychosis, and psychosis in PTSD. They're kind of technical and expensive, but they exist. And psychosis and PTSD both 'lose touch with reality' - PTSD/trauma involves going into a painful past reality, which may be heavily symbolised, and look like psychosis, if that makes sense....
I experience/treat people like they're someone from my past so often, expect them to be 'like dad', or 'like Maureen' [tutor from uni... long story] or like the bullies.. but it's not a process that happens consciously. It's sort of like a 'transference psychosis'. [happens a lot in my therapy]
can feel the whole cycle of zoning out/being messed up starting again. really numb and out of it. feel almost high. its like i start this way, go through horrible horrible episodes for a week or two, think i'm gonna lose it, finally come out, then get retriggered. can't people even talk about stuff without me getting set off? and thing is i don't even know its going to bother me when its being said/talked about. i just get the effects over the next few days. I HAVE to stop this before it starts again. cause when i get this, the last few months, they have lasted a few weeks and are really scary and disabling.
I'm not positive (which is an annoying part cause I can't always tell if the exact cause), but I think its been talking/hearing about my ex and being around mutual friends the last few days though. Thing is it wasn't even talked about that much i don't think and i haven't seen him in a month or so. I suppose I did also find a lot of his stuff which I threw away cause I don't want to see him and its his own fault for telling me he took it out of my stuff and not doing so. Its replaceable documents mostly anyway. But I guess that's what it was. Also had a bad argument with my bf but I'm not sure if that affected it. Also guess stuff got brought up with a friend a bit.
I feel like I have to avoid the subject all together to not have these really severe and prolonged episodes and I'm feeling like I might have to stop seeing his mutual friends, which kinda would be bad as they are my main point of socialization.
Is it better to avoid what triggers me, including an entire topic, anything relating to that topic and even a group of people who are associated with that time period? It seems like that's bad and not dealing with it, but the consequences of even thinking about stuff let alone talking about it or being afraid of seeing him is so severe that I can barely function. And I can't afford relapsing. I'd be so better just alone away from people.
I've heard of links between trauma and psychosis before too. Think thee is a chappter on it in one of my books. I got screned for psychosis last year, but they desided that I don't have it, the one thing I have that seemed slightly psychsisy to them they eventually desided was a form of flashback
im afraid I know nothing about psychosis, so i can't be of any help.
Can you actually 'give' yourself a dissociative disorder? I mean, *sigh* if you pretended, and it went too far.. could it develop? worse? maybe? I know you're going to say nobody fakes, but I feel like a lot of mine IS.
but then...
the vanishing phone, the moving keys, the random tv recordings, it doesn't make sense. how can i do these things and not know? because i dont remember switching...i dont even remember not being there.
You are talking to: Kat The Others are: Annabell (Belle), Rosie, Lotty, Kate, Amy, Jessica (Jess), Sarah, Ramiel(Miel), Elizabeth (Liz), Shadow
There are links between trauma and psychosis, usually called dissociative psychosis. When you are overwhelmed with distress your mind finds any way it can to let it out or express that distress, psychotic symptoms can be one of those outlets .
Kat, no you can't 'give' yourself a dissociative disorder, though we guess you could fake it till you believed it... Do you really believe you are faking it?
We're having a hard time. No idea what to do with ourselves.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
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Kat, I know how you feel, but there would be no reason for you to fake it, and you probably wouldn't go so far as to join a self-help forum, or pretend that you don't know where your phone went, or when you moved your keys.
I know when I got the worst psychotic, a lot of it was as a way to escape the present situation. It wasn't a conscious thing, but it was like if I embraced the paranoia/psychosis that had already been a bit of a problem, allowed the voices to come more, and concentrated on the beings in my head rather than how bad things were, I could somehow cope. Problem was it got really out of control. It was like I already had that tendency and my mind was like "hey this is a way to get out of whats happening since she won't actually get out". Then once it started also some of the bad things that were happening got mixed into the psychosis too, which is why I consider some of it dissociation. Like I was getting really upset about any guy showing any interest in me, thinking they were following me and messengers and all this stuff from another unknown person hurting me, and it was a relation to one way I was being hurt. And I got psychotic and cut myself hearing voices that if I cut these guys would go away. When in reality the majority of these guys weren't even really the problem, it was what was going on at home. So that was more trauma related, as in I think I needed to believe I had a way to control what was happening when I didn't (and didn't even consciously remember some of it). While the stuff I've always had was kind of due to isolation and just always having thought differently and more strangely I guess. So I find it interesting how some of it was typical psychosis that I've always had a tendency towards (and when not taken to the extreme of psychosis the strange thinking actually was beneficial at times as far as thinking outside of the norm), and then when some really bad stuff started going on, my mind not only worsened the zoning out/dissociation but also made the psychosis worse. And they all kinda mixed together. Its really amazing how complex our minds are.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
I don't know who I am. I don't know what I am. I don't know what makes me, me.
Who am I? And what is this place?
I feel like my room is a box, there is nothing outside there until I step outside the door... And then I see what is beyond. I feel like everywhere I walk, a light follows me, and as I walk on the light turns out behind, so like the things I cannot see, aren't there, and the only thing that is there is what I can see.
So like, the only thing that there is at the moment is my room, because that's the only thing I can see.
