I'm not going to go into detail. But basically I have a few memorys that are slightly hazy, and for which there is external (as in outside of my mind) evidence both for and against. Some of these memories I have always had, others have sort of "emerged", some of these I have physical evidence on my body of, some I have evidence in the form of things I wrote or told people at the time, and others just seem to "fit" if that makes sense into things. However, there could be other reasons for the physical evidence, and for some of these things certain people are adiment that they did not happen to the point where they start quoting "flase memory syndrome" stuff at me...
Now I know often which "recovered memories" they are not literal, they are representative a bit like dreams. But some people are telling me that everything I remember is essentialy rubbish, some even accused me of making it ll up for "sympathy" or even "attentioN"!!!!!!! (why the hell I'd make up half the things in my nightmares, flashbacks and generally in my mind for attention I'll never understand).
This (along with the sudden reacent increase of people essenially saying that alters and DID are not real essentially calling me a fake) has really started to get to me... I know it shouldn't... but it does.
are they right? Is it all a lie? Is anything that I remember real or is it all some made up fragment of imaginationness?
7 years ago this week my parents chucked me out... they claime though that I "ran away from home", I didn't... my mum told me to leave and then locked the door. But they claim that I climbed out of my bedroom window and disapeared.
It is definitely possible that these memories are real, although they could be different to what exactly happened, they may differ as time goes on but the fact that the memory is built around, the whole reason you remember what you do, should be the same. So you should probably be able to trust them.
I have the same kinda thing though, as in not believing certain things in dreams and hazy memories, and I'm talking really hazy, like very small parts of things that make little sense, but kinda add up to a big picture which I've yet to believe anyways.
But I think you should trust your memories, because if they are from a long time ago, then they must be things that made an impact in your life for you to remember them.
It is true that we don't quite understand how memory works, nor is it necessarily completely accurate for a variety of reasons.
However, DID is a true disorder. It is rare because it is the most severe of all dissociative disorders. People with DID have been observed in studies and it has been found that many people with the disorder show changes in their bodies and brains when different alters are present. Also, like personality disorders, DID can only be diagnosed in an adult (18+), who already has a developed brain, thus ruling out "childhood immaturity" or other things like that.
The reason people may feel like you are "faking it" is because the disorder is both rare and serious. It may make them want to grasp at straws ("She can't be that sick, it's so uncommon") to convince themselves you're okay when you're not. It could also be because there are instances where people have faked DID for some reason.
But I believe you. Their opinions are nothing more than attempting to belittle you/make you doubt yourself. You have a real, serious disorder and it is okay to heal and get better. That is the bottom line.
I hope any of this helped at all (or even made sense) because I really wanted to try and validate you :).
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
I think maybe it's my own fault... the idea of dissociation was first suggested to me nearly 6 years ago when I was in hospital for some eating related stuff but I never mentioned it to anyone. Then last year when I saw a dissociaitve specialist they said that DDNOS had been on my file for a long time but they had been focusing on the PTSD idea so had not futhered the dissociaition one. Maybe if I had spoken about it all prior to that then people wouldn't assume that it came out of thin air.
It;s getting o the point where I don't trut anything in my head... question everything I think or feel incase it isn't real... I'm not even sure that the things I remember from yesterday really happened, or if they did I'm not sure if they happened yesterday
Last edited by shadow-light : 24-05-2010 at 10:37 AM.
*hugs* I think you can trust the majority of your memories. I think false memories are generally pretty rare, and usually only happen in cases of irresponsible hypnosis, continued and forceful suggestion, and so forth. And generally I think any false memories you'd have an idea how it was suggested, it wouldn't be like your experiences where you remembered it and then told people. It'd be like people pressuring you about something and then your mind creating it. And even that usually doesn't bring up really detailed memories. A few really fuzzy ones may be figurative, but the fact that you have DID shows that some very bad things have happened.
And as for your parents, I know it's hard, but from what I've read of your posts, you shouldn't trust a word they say when it comes to how they treated you. Often people who hurt others will lie about anything to try and cover themselves. My ex would do that. One time he threatened me and 5 minutes later literally denied ever saying it.
I know it's hard to believe people will tell such horrible and ridiculous lies and mess with your mind that much, but if they would hurt you in the first place it means they will often cover it up and not care how it hurts. It's part of the abusive cycle, someone who abuses you often will tell you lies you know are untrue and stick to them, so you think you're crazy and making it up since you figure they wouldn't adamantly lie about something so obvious, so you must have made it up. Unfortunately such mind games only work on the honest people, thus it makes the person who's being abused convinced they are the one in the wrong when it is really the other person hurting them.
So as for trusting people about memories, I'd only believe people you know would never lie to you. from what you've written it sounds like Jack would be pretty honest so you might ask him for verification of present day things. And no one really makes up abuse to that extent unless they know they are making it up. So I really think many bad things did happen to you and people accusing you of faking it are either covering themselves or are judging disorders they don't understand. I know it's really hard not to be believed though. Maybe try not talking about it to people who will mess with you or disbelieve you? Bad memories are so hard to talk about anyway, that it's best to discuss it where you know you will be heard and supported.
It's really not your fault, how could you have known it was a big deal? I didn't even know what dissociation was until my counselor said I was having it. Try not to blame yourself, people have no right to judge you. You have been diagnosed, it's not like you're self-diagnosing. Professionals don't just diagnose DID unless it's really there. I know it's so painful to go through stuff and not be believed, but try to keep remembering that we believe you and that what you experienced really was awful and wrong and that it wasn't your fault.
I know I should just ignore everything my parents ever say... I think the only reaon I'm paying attention to their word is that it''s 7 years now since they chuck me out, and on Friday I will be visiting York for the first time since I decided to try to cut them out of my life (the plan is to see my Gran and a few friends, not my parents - but sort of terrified that might accidently see them)
Everything in my head is just so confused at the moment... don't know what to think about anything
*hugs* i can't imagine how hard that must be to not be able to trust your own parents. but you know your intentions are right, so try to trust yourself and those who you know won't lie to you.
I'd suggest you read this page here if you need re-assurance from people accusing you of having 'false memory syndrome'.
Also lots of people don't want to believe that others can be so horrifically cruel and abusive to children. Because it would shatter their image of the world being fair and logical and survivable, and so they stick their fingers in their ears and go "la la la la la" in an attempt to keep the knowledge from being processed by their brains. You're not lying - they just can't deal with what you're saying. You can trust your memories, and trust what the others are telling you that they remember.
Good luck on friday - I hope you successfully avoid your parents and see everyone else you want to.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
I keep teeling these people that false memory syndrome isn;t a medically accepted thing, and that I've NEVER had hypnotherapy anyway, in fact I've never really had any therapy surrounding mmy childhood at all professionals always get obsessed with my teenage years and then refer me to someone else once the subject of my lack of memories comes up.
But still they go on and on, even going as far as to clame that I'm lying about not being able to remember things...
I hate the whole 'it all comes out of intensive therapy' idea when related to DID and memories. I've never had anything - I've never even had any remotely-in-depth counselling..
whehter or not your parents believe what they're saying is beside the point - you're the priority here, the more you listen to them - and other people who will not support you - the more your health, mental and physical, deteriorates..
you deserved to be listened to and helped. you have always listened to me no matter how upset YOU were at the time and all I can offer is to do the same for you, I wish I could offer more because believe me, you deserve it xxx
I'm staying with my mum tonight... stayed with my Gran since friday, but my mum offered to take me to the train station early tomorrow morning if i agreed to stay with her and at the time I was thinking that maybe we could re-forge some sort of relationship again so agreed...
but so far she's said that I'm "fat", "look pregnant" and that thing's from my past are "nothing compared to some people", and that my problem is that I "talk down about myself too much". seems like every other sentance is there to put me down in one way or another.
will be on a train in 12 hours though, so guess it's not too long...
*hugs* you're definitely not fat, don't listen to her on that. it is possible that her minimizing your experiences is her way of defending herself. also some people think that telling you "it could've been worse" will somehow help you get over it. in reality that's not true at all, but perhaps if you try to look at the possibility that she might be extremely confused and defensive and misinformed but possibly trying, but at the same time realize that her perception is incredibly distorted, there might be some progress. Also the statement that you talk down about yourself might mean that she thinks you are more than that but a misunderstanding that you are really trying to explain your limitations/pain. So definitely if you want to attempt to work with her, don't take everything she says as absolutely correct. Try more to look at what she's possibly trying to say, where her wrong beliefs come from, and so on.
It's really up to you whether you want the relationship to work though. She needs to change a lot, she has hurt you a lot. There is no excuse for her behavior, reasons but still no excuse, and it's not your fault at all. It's understandable if you can't deal with it. it's up to you whether you're willing to work around her behavior until she does change and whether you think she will change and if you can deal with it if she doesn't.
This (along with the sudden reacent increase of people essenially saying that alters and DID are not real essentially calling me a fake) has really started to get to me... I know it shouldn't... but it does.
