Contains sexual abuse - a nagging feeling?

[bluedusteyes]

Does anyone ever struggle with a nagging feeling, that creepy-crawling feeling that they've been sexually abused, but they have no solid memories?

I've often been asked if my father ever sexually abused me and, while he's verbally/emotionally abusive, he's never been sexual...he toes the line (he'll spank me in public or tickle me right up near my chest, yelling at me when I tell him to stop), but he's never done anything legitimately abusive to me, at least not sexually.

I'm tired of the constant nightmares about being raped...as humiliating as this is to admit, I'm tired of punishing myself by masturbating to "fantasies" where I'm being raped. I can't tell if I'm some sick and twisted little freak or if something actually happened to me when I was young.

Can anybody relate?

[Violated-x]

Hun none of us can answer the question of whether it happened or not... but the majority of us here will be able to relate somehow to what you feel
I know, personally, that following SA i now "fantasise" about being raped.. and beaten.. and i don't know why i do it because i know it's wrong but it won't stop... so i can appreciate that unease, at least xx

[shadow-light]

I can sort of relate.


what I did was speak to LOADS of people who knew me when I was little (even just people who lived on the same street I did) to see if I could find anything out, I also got a copy of my medical files from that time, and loads of other things. I looked or external evidence basically, and eventually I found some.


do you have a cousellor/therapist/any form of professional support? If so have you discussed these feelings and things with them?

[Amaryllis]

I cannot personally relate to not knowing. However, I can relate in that in that I do not know all the details. Shadow-light had some good suggestions. Neighbors or teachers may have noticed something hinky but not have put it together. If you kept a journal or a diary as a child, you may want to look there as well.

Even if you never know for certain, you can still recover. At least that is what my therapist has said and I believe her.

[DisenchantedxRomance]

I'm there with you. I think something happened to me as a child, but I can't place it. I get the feeling that something did, but I don't know. I like all there suggestions, but I ask you the same question I asked myself. Are you really ready to know, and what will you do with that information? If you know those answers, then you will find out the truth. I wish you luck.