I have choosen to go back to the first placement I ever went to on my course. It has been great being back :D I just love being at the placement. They make me so welcome and are lovely. But there's on problem (one I didnt think I would have).
Last year, at the time of going to this placement, I met my friends cousin. Seemed alright at first. He was good. But then I realised that he was no good for me at all. All he cared about was sex. I couldn't stop seeing him though. My stupid fault I know :( I just kinda loose myself. I don't exactly control what I'm doing, if that makes sense. Well, he knew I didn't want to do anything... I had managed to make that clear. But he carried on and on. Never giving up. I managed to come to my senses and get out of there before he had forced me to do anything major.
I now keep conecting the placement I am at now with him. Mostly when I'm walking to and from the placement - I think this is because this use to be my thought time. Now I feel really triggered, and scared of everyone around me!
Now I keep getting the feeling of him doing what they did to me. He keeps appearing in my nightmares as well :/ Its driving me mad! Why Oh Why is this happening?!!
I know its my fault for getting myself in this mess! Well I guess I deserve all this sh*t then, dont I! I derserve to feel bad over it. I was only living up to what I'm worth! So why am I fussing? What is the bl**dy point in writing all this out?!?
Im paying for my mistake!
