We're home from hospital, last night was our 69th night.
I'm glad to be back home, I don't know about everyone else, no last cigarette, my own bed, no daily intense psych sessions. It's quite a relief. We're exhausted though, it's been really hard work. Feel like i could sleep for a week.
Scath, good plan not to see her anymore, she sounds like more trouble than she's worth by a long shot. Sounds pretty terrible, the whole police situation. Hope you are doing better now.
Shadow, do you think it's a good idea going back to study next year? Sometimes it just isn't feasible when you are unwell, but on the other hand it keeps your brain active and gives you stuff to do.
Kit-Kat,
If you haven't eaten in a day, let alone a couple of days, you ARE missing it, your body needs regular nourishment, whether you feel hungry or not, you need to eat. Do you know why you are restricting so much?
Lostboys - it's great that you are out of hospital. I'd assume it will take some time to readust to everything though after such a long time
I wasn't meant to be going back to uni yet, but after next year the fees are going up to rediculas levels which I will never be able to afford... so it's next year or never seemingly :(
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I just spoke to a guy in my building, apparently the reason that noone in the building will talk to me and that they go quiet when I enter rooms, try to stop me oing into the kitchen when they are in etc, is that they have heard me crying in my room a lot and they are nervous about what to say to me due to it :(
Also thi morning had a fall out with Jack... once again he said last night "I'll be round between 11 and 12" and then this morning at 11.12 I got a text to say he had overslept, so I called him - no answer, I texted him - no reply, so I called and left an angry voicemail as this is about the 1millionth time this has happened. He called me back and I hung up on him
Ayka~ hey girl. =) I know you don't want or like to eat but ..the body really needs it. i don;t like the act of eating.. waste of effort and time for me .. but found out yogurt cups aren't so bad i can eat them fast and set them down when i need to. anyhow my point is.. you should let someone eat a little something even if its only like salad or something. cuz well body needs eaat to be healthy and not sick and dizzy and stuff.. sorry guess sarah is out with me.. we have a really bad headache today and ..yeah.
Lost boys!!! so glad youre finally home and can rest. yall worked hard in hospitl and you ned some rest. hope yalls are feeling better. we missed yous/
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Glad to hear you're home Bleeding Black.
I dunno, just didn't actually feel hungry, didn't eat anything proper until yesterday when I had my first meal in days.
Well we've lost weight anyhoo. Could be stress, I don't know, if we do get stressed we don't really know, it just affects our body/mind. Last time we were "stressed" Kathryn didn't have a period for 50 days, but she didnt actually feel stressed.
I just don't like the idea of eating, I really don't want it.
hey ayka- I don't like eating either. it takes too much effort and is a waste of time. I don't do it myself unless im forced like when mike gets upset and tells me to like yesterday ha
so i usually let sarah or serenity eat for us..
maybe you can let someone else eat for yall occassionally so the lack doesnt hurt the body and stuff?
Ayka - in our system Sarah, like you, dislikes eating. She believes that in in not eating and in making the body thinner she is keeping us safe from punishments, or at least she used to believe that, but now no matter what the siixe of the body to her it is "fat". A human body though needs food to function. Even if it's just one meal a day. Are there any foods that would be ok to be eaten?
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Sometimes I let others eat... When we're at home I let her eat, so her Mum doesn't think she's not eating. But when we're out, at college etc I just can't stand eating. I have energy even when we don't eat, so I have to walk to college, walk up the stairs, basically walk anywhere.
We are actually fat though, I'm not just thinking that we're fat, the body actually is. BMI says overweight (haven't checked it for a while but we haven't got any lighter since then).
Cutting food out is the worst way to lose weight. It seriously screws with your metabolism, it makes it so that your body is so starved for food and energy that it stores every bit of fat you consume once you finally eat. I've been in hospital with many girls and guys with ED's over the past 6 years, and seen a lot of them over a couple of years. I know several who have so badly messed up their metabolism through not eating that it now cannot process fats and sugars so they are quite overweight.
What does being fat mean to you?
What does being skinny mean?
In a lot of cases with ED's it's about control, you can feel so out of control in all facets of your life, that food is the one thing that you can control...
Feel like I've fallen off a cliff edge and I'm just hanging on by my fingertips. I don't know what to do. Trying so hard to just be normal, keep functioning, keep everything secret, keep all the bad **** away from the rest of my life but I just- I can't- I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna fall off this cliff, whether it's in a week or two or sooner or later I just know that I can't keep going much longer. And then everyone won't understand because by that time the 'stress' will be over and it won't make sense.
I just want to not exist for a while. I keep dissociating, and frankly I don't think I care anymore, it means I don't have to feel anything and the only repercussion is dealing with SI afterwards which I can so I don't care. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
I'm being discharged from the services in 6 months. After that I'm on my own, regardless of whether we've 'dealt' with all my issues (and yes, I clarified that point).
Like Hell I'm doing this.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
I just can't stand being this size. I'm huge, seriously. At least if I was skinny, we'd all fit in, everything around us is small, friends, family, tv. It's not even about being thin, it's about being fat. I cannot stand being this size.
Great, now Kathryns crying because she realises how I truly feel. She's always had complexes about it but, ya know, I think I'm just making it worse by saying what she really feels about herself after all these years. She feels that everyone's so much prettier than she is, everyone has at least something going for them, but not her. She just wants to be pretty.
Everything else is going wrong but at least there's one thing I can put right.
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The clever way to lose weight is to eat healthier and exercise. Not eating isn't clever -at all- and yes, it ****s you over in the long run! So it would be best to take the more healtheir and better way to the ideal body. And skinny isn't attractive or pleasant to look at; it's yucky, and a healthy slim is good on the eyes. Highly doubt you are fat either way. Look after the body, exercise and eat healthy instead, don't **** it all over and ruin it.
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Well, instead of whining over it, try techniques over actually realising how the body -does- look. Get a healthier look on yourself instead of making it worse and worse :> At least try positive instead of banging bad thoughts into your mind. I am pretty sure it's a partial case of thinking something over and over until you believe it. Fat? Doubt you actually are. The picture says highly otherwise.
Think positive and try the exercise and eating healthier. Only you can help yourself on this, your choice on how to see yourself. Want to be fat in the mind, you can keep thinking it, or change that.
got a letter today saying that my housing benefit is being stopped... oh joy... I can barely afford my rent as it is without the council deciding that they will no longer help
