Not sure how to title this problem.

[maniaco]

I apologise in advance if this is a bit rambling.

I'm 26. For as long as I can remember I have struggled with structure and having to spend my time doing things that other people tell me I have to - school, and now work, leave me extremely stressed and down, even if the job itself isn't particularly stressful. I have suffered from an eating disorder in the past, which I still struggle with if I feel out of control, and I've also got a history of self harm and panic attacks. Even now I'm mostly past these issues, I get to the point where I obsess over the idea of having to work so much that it spoils what free time I do have. As a compromise, I have only ever worked part time.

However, I recently let myself get talked into doing a post graduate certificate (in addition to the degree and undergraduate certificate I already have), and will soon be starting a full time (and full on!) new job off of the back of it. I am DREADING it. To the point that I am getting chest pains and feeling sick all the time. I spent the entire year of the course feeling ill with stress and wondering what the hell I was doing, but I feel like I was left with no option but to take the job - everyone was so proud of me for completing the course (there were A LOT of drop-outs) and getting offered it. I didn't know what else to do. It's not like I'll struggle to do the job itself - I'll put a smile on and try my best and no one will be any the wiser. I just don't WANT to do it - in a very visceral, deep-down, can't be controlled way.

If I talk to anyone I know about this they just tell me "that's life" and "everyone hates their job, deal with it"... am I so wrong for wanting something more? I feel like maybe I'm just not 'meant' for normal work. I fill my free time with meaningful things that make me happy - I'm writing a novel (it's my baby) and I also write poetry (some of which has been published). I paint, bake, make my own soap and candles, do photography and look after my horses and other animals. I am intelligent and sociable, and certainly not lazy or averse to hard work! I would love to be able to make a living from my photography, but the industry is obscenely hard to get in to and I don't have the funds for kit, advertising etc.

I just get stuck on the feeling of 'why should I have to spend the majority of my waking hours doing something that someone else tells me I have to do?' I can't quite put into words what I mean, and I know I should be grateful just having a job at all. But I hate it so much that when I'm driving in I find myself fantasising about crashing my car just so I don't have to go.

I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. I've been to the doctors and have been on antidepressants. They just made me like an emotionless zombie. And their idea of counselling was a complete joke - one 10 minute phone call followed by sending me a book to work through on my own.

If, as my friends and family tell me, everyone hates their job and everyone would rather be doing something else, why doesn't everyone feel like this?


... this is really long - sorry! I would just really appreciate someone's two pence on this. It's the induction for my new job tomorrow and I'm freaking myself out. Thanks.

[Shenanigans]

I think there is a great difference between "hating" your job and "enjoying" it.

I don't enjoy my job. I don't skip to work everyday and drag myself away wishing my free time would pass so I can get back to work. If I could, I would spend my days doing all the things I love doing. But that is not reality and to be honest, I enjoy many of the things I do because they allow me to relax away from the stress of life. For example, I enjoy writing and playing music. I always have. But if I had an agent calling me demanding I get that new song written by 10pm tonight or the album is going down the drain, I wouldn't enjoy it. It would be work, it wouldn't be fun, half of the enjoyment is that it is on my terms and my own abilities.

That being said, I don't hate my job. Sometimes it is very stressful. Somedays, like today, I come home and have a whine to my partner about this that and the other. But my job doesn't cause me excessive distress. Most of the time I go, I do what I do, and I go home.

To me, it sounds like you need to address your own anxiety and stress management. If your work/course cause you such excessive distress then you need to make some decisions about what is best to continue at this time, and what is best to put on a back burner. It is important to make sure that you can financially take care of yourself, as ignoring that will only make more problems. But it is also important to make sure you aren't putting yourself through anything that is beyond your ability to deal with.

Perhaps it's an idea to speak to your gp about your anxiety issues and also make sure that your work and course know so that they can have a plan of action in place incase you need some extra support.

[shadow-light]

do you know why you dislike dong what others say so much> Is it basically a control thing or do you think that there may be something more to it?


maybe you could motivate yourself in the job by thinking to yourself that it's just for the money and experience and aim to one day be self employed or whatever? Think of it as a hoop to jump through to gain money, and to gain work experience that may make self employment easier (I have seen people get business loans so know how tricky they can be even with years of experience across various sectors)


Not sure if that advice is great, but that's what i am doing... taking any job, even one I'd hate, so that I can gain the experience and moey to do what I really want to do one day