I know there are a million and one posts like this in this board right now, but I don't know. Maybe just getting it out there will be cathartic for me somehow, or something.
To say it fairly concisely and also in a pretty scattered manner: I am considering suicide again (though, for a variety of reasons, I know better than to act on it).
I lost most of my friends and gained recently-diagnosed PTSD after I was repeatedly raped and abused last year (my freshman year of college) by an extremely mentally ill member of the college community. I did report this and get him expelled, but not before he also raped one of my friends - and I know it's my fault for waiting as long as I did to report. Additionally, the day after tomorrow I will find out whether or not he gave me an STD from the rape - if he did, that means I will have passed that on to my current partner, who was a virgin when he met me. I have switched from my original major into a much more challenging program (economics major with a mathematics minor) and am overwhelmed by both the volume and content of the coursework. If I don't excel this semester, I will likely lose my college funding from my parents (both of whom are socially reclusive and have mild Asperger's syndrome) and put more strain on the already deteriorating family. They do not know anything about the rape.
I'm sorry to vent all that. I'm just so lost, guilty, confused, and everything.
Best,
Krim
"You cannot take what you have not given, and you must give yourself." -Shevek, The Dispossessed(Ursula K. LeGuin)
Oh hun. This sounds like an exceptionally difficult time for you right now. Who have you spoken to about the rape who can offer you longer term support to help you come to terms with what happened and also could help support you though the STD results?
College work is always tough, no matter what major you do, and these additonal stressors that you are facing won't help. To "excel" means different things to different people. I think ifyour parents knew what you have been through recently it might help them to help you and also help them to cut you some slack.
I'm sorry that you feel so lost right now and confused.
Please remember that suicide is never the way out of anything, as tempting as it may be at times. It's a cliche, but suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'm sure there are support workers at your uni who may be able to help sort out work allocations etc so that you can have an easier ride.
Take it easy on yourself hun. You've got a lot to deal with, and you need to make sure that you are in the mental place to handle it. x
"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."
it is NOT your fault that your friend got raped. it is his fault. he made that decision. you did not intend for it to happen. you did your best, you did really really really well by telling them at all, that shows a lot of strength. it is ok if it took you some time to gather all that strength up. what would you tell someone else who was in your situation with this?
again, with the possible STD thing. not your fault. you've got to try and separate what you feel from what reality is. feeling something doesn't make it true. (i mean, it is true that you are feeling whatever you are feeling, no one can or should try and take that away) but like... i can feel that i have green hair all i want, my hair isn't turning green. more realistically, i can feel stupid because i missed an easy answer on a test, that does not mean that i am stupid... and while i might feel guilty because i was rude to someone, that doesn't mean that i'm a horrible person.... you feel that it was your fault, unfortunately that is really common after rape and abuse (though i know that doesn't make it much easier), but it isn't your fault in reality!
why did you decide to switch majors? sometimes looking back at what motivated you to do something in the first place can help you get more motivation in the present. i'm not saying that you're not motivated right now, just sometimes it is easy to lose track of the intrinsic motivation of why one wanted to do something...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
do you think telling your parents what happened would help? Or are they the type of people where telling them would make things worse?
As has been said it was NOT your fault that your friend got raped, you reported the guy, you did everything you should have done. It takes most people a while to report these things, in fact many people never report it as it's just too hard and painful. The fact tat you managed to do it at all is impressive. But it was not your fault, he is the one who did this
