Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Okay here goes

[littlebunny]

I dont really know where to start because Ive hardly shared this with a soul in so long I have locked it away for so long.

All it does now though is fester.

About 7 years ago I was attacked and raped by a freind of mine, I had trusted him and let him into my home.

I have sat here all night trying to think of a reason why im cutting myself why my life seems so worthless and all the time if it doesnt go back to my excuse for a mother it comes to him.

I cant sleep without seeing his face and Im so lost I dont know where to turn. I dont think it will ever go away.

Im hurting so much and im so scared. The police never did anything because there wasnt enough evidence that it was him and so he is out there somewhere and I get so scared he will find me.

He left me emotionally and physically ruined Im not sure why im posting I suppose I just needed to get it off my chest a little.

[bobbiwibble]

*huggles*
well done for writing that.. cant have been easy :)
do you have a counsellor or anybody you could talk to about it? that might help.
take care xxxxxxxx
ps he did NOT ruin you <3

[emmy]

I think you're very brave for sharing. I wish I was that brave.
I can understand your fear and feeling ruined. I feel much of that too.
You aren't ruined though. I know saying that doesn't fix anything. But you aren't ruined even though it feels that way.
I don't have a lot of words of wisdom or much that might help, but just know I hear you, and am listening.

[in another life]

*Hugs*
I'm sorry you went through that hun! Well done for writing about it here. It sounds as though you could benefit from talking this through with someone you trust or even a professional like a counsellor. You don't deserve to feel this way and you don't need to struggle with this alone.
Best wishes!

[littlebunny]

I havnt been to counselling in years I have a doctors appointment friday though but Im pretty convinced he will just try and palm me off with anti depressants.
But im not sure If I can even tell him whats wrong writing it here is easy in some ways, actually saying the words is harder.

I dont fell Brave I feel like a failure because I cant cope alone anymore.

[in another life]

*hugs*
Hun, you're not a failure because you can't cope alone! everyone needs help sometimes and there's no shame in that! I understand that you will find it hard to talk about but i think its what you need, it's impacting on your life so obviously something needs to be sorted out. I'm sure he won't throw you straight on anti depressants, he will probably suggest counselling though. If you find it hard to talk to him about it, maybe u can write it down and give him the note or show him this post you made and just tell him u find it hard to talk about but you need some help. The dr's aim is to help you in a way that you feel comfortable with! You might not think you're brave but can I say you are! to go through what you have and get as far as you have is great, but as I said everyone needs help sometimes and that's ok!
I hope you are able to get the support u need hun!
Best wishes!

[shadow-light]

maybe you could print out your post here and give it the docotr?


and if you don't ant anti-depressents, say that you don't want them... Say that you want to try other options first. THey can't force you to have meds, and even if they tried they can't fore yot tto pick up the prescription. Just tell the doctor that you would like to try something else first

[bobbiwibble]

everyone's right - you are NOT a failure, not even remotely, and if you say you'd like to try the counselling/ therapy route then I see no reason why your doctor would refuse!
Once you're in counselling you can take as much or as little time as you like to talk about stuff - I've been in counselling and not told the woman anything much, and recently I've started talking about stuff to an MH assessor after seeing her 7 times :)

[littlebunny]

I know it all makes sense I just loose all rationality sometimes.
I shouted at a freind who is really trying to help me today over nothing and I feel so bad.