My Dad is trying to throw my Mum out of the house. My Mum and I just had a massive argument. Then They came along. The Voices, the Mindreaders, they were all screaming at me to do the Tasks and the Mission, both of which I don't want to complete. I started screaming and hyperventilating. My Mum calmed me down. She's trying to help me now but we just received this e-mail from my Mum's solicitor. My Dad is ever so close to throwing my Mum out of the house, whether she has somewhere to go or not. I can't live without my Mum. I can't.
The Voices are screaming at me. THEY WON'T SHUT UP. Please, please, just shut up...please...I can't cope any more. I have to do something. Just something to knock myself out...my Mum keeps saying "if you do anything to yourself, I will die". But I don't know what else to do. I am desperate.
I'm begging Them...I'm begging Them please, to shut up. But They won't. They're pushing further and further. I'm going to burst.
But my Mum will collapse...she'll kill herself if I hurt myself and end up in hospital. It is Good Friday tomorrow and my psych is away anyway so I can't call anyone tomorrow for an emergency appointment.
Oh my god...I just want my Life back...not this constant terror...the Voices...the fear of losing my Mum...the fear of my Mum being thrown out of the house...
My Mum keeps saying that she has a loop hole, a way to get back at my Dad and to get the house back and money etc but I don't see how it will work.
My Dad is being very stingy with money and my Mum and I are having problems funding our bills etc...
F*ck f*ck f*ck!
I can't do this any more. I think I will drink myself into a stupor.
Last edited by Steel Maiden : 13-04-2009 at 10:30 PM.
Reason: added trigger warning.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Hey Steel - sorry your in a rough patch. I recall your mum and dad were fighting not long ago as well (I thought your mum was leaving the house after that fight). Do voices get worse when your stressed? Hope things are better soon even if its temporary.
i'm sorry you feel so bad. can you call crisis? pm me if you need someone to talk to or anything, anytime. do you have any medicine (prescribed) that will help you sleep? my bf hears voices like that and i see how hard it is for him. try distracting yourself, playing music anything. but DO go to a hospital if you have no other choice. it's better than hurting yourself. take care.
I am so sorry for not replying sooner, but I've been reading loads of medical textbooks...got hooked on them, and I have only recently got my internet back so I'm doing an RYL marathon tonight.
My Mum calmed down and I calmed down.
Thank you so much for the replies.
I think I should get an earlier appointment with my psychiatrist, but I haven't got time and the appointment is next week anyway so I'll be patient and wait.
I'm seeing my psychologist on Wednesday (in two days' time) though, and she is pretty helpful, so I will tell her all of this.
The Voices and Mindreaders (otherwise known as Them) are commanding me. First They have given me Tasks:
- Hurt myself badly.
- Hurt my Mum.
- OD.
- Run far, far away.
To be done in that order. They are very insistent that I complete these soon but I am too scared.
Then They have given me the Mission. That is to steal money from the rich and give to the poor. When I was in the changing room in the gym, I stole a ten pound note from someone's purse. Then when I left the gym, I gave it to a Big Issue (the magazine some homeless people sell for money) woman who had one leg and was on a wheelchair. They keep saying that will not be the last time and that They will make me steal even bigger sums of money in the future.
And They have told me to get myself to the peak of mental and physical performance because I will be subjected to a Test later, however They did not go on to explain what the Test will be.
They have also commanded me that I must either make myself bleed heavily or I must drink myself into a stupor tonight. I looked in the alcohol cabinet. No vodka but I have this 60% proof stuff from Cyprus (vodka is 40% proof for comparison) which I suppose if I drank a few hundred milliltres of it, I could make myself black out or vomit blood or something. I know a way to make myself bleed heavily without leaving visible scars but I think drinking myself crazy will be easier to hide.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Steel, I'm sorry if this isn't much help. I just thought I'd tell you a couple of things that help me when I'm going through things like this.
I know it's hard, but I also know you can beat them. You've done it before, and you can do it again.
I know how scary it is to be given commands and tasks like this, but in a way that fear is what's going to help you stop yourself from doing it. Keep reminding yourself how much you don't want to do it, and of the implications that would follow.
I think you need to call your crisis number before you start following these commands. You said earlier that your mum wouldn't be able to cope if you did something to yourself, so try to think of her when you're looking for help. If that doesn't guide you, then just try to remind yourself that They only want to hurt you - YOU don't want to - you said you want your life back.
PM me if you need to.
Arwen x
Hi Arwen,
Thank you for your post.
I am thinking of calling crisis but I don't think they can do anything so I will wait until Wednesday when I see my psychologist and I will come armed with a letter and I will tell her what is going on.
I am afraid that tonight I have to do something to myself. I will try to drink less but I will have to make myself bleed, They keep saying that with my bleeding disorder, it will be easy to get a blood pool forming.
I am trying though. I mean, They want me to do the Tasks and I haven't done any of them...yet. I don't want to OD properly...too scared. But I might OD a medium amount on a drug I know just causes crazy brain symptoms but last time I took the OD they gave me some fluids and sent me home for my body to eliminate the OD naturally.
Thank you so much though Arwen.
I will try not to go too far, as as you said, the implications are high.
But tonight is mandatory. Its for my own safety ironically enough; They will do something terrible if I don't do what They say tonight.
They've been doing sick things to me in my sleep...I wake up with bruises on my thighs that I don't know where they came from...its sick. They are sick.
Sorry.
- Olympia
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
with your bleeding disorder you much know this is dangerous... also alcohol can thin the blood and stop it from clotting so drinking aswell as making yourself bleed is even more dangerous...
could you cll the crisis team anyway? I know you say that they probably can't do anything... but the sooner people know about these things the better. I agree with everythin zowie said, you can beet these voices, if not for you then for your mum
As Shadowlight said, perhaps you could call the crisis team? I know the commands/voices seem so real but they are a part of your illness and as long as you don't listen to them and don't do as they say, you can't get hurt - really. They can't do anything by themselves, only you can cause damage by acting on them. I know it is difficult to ignore them (I hear voices but not psychotic ones) but you can and keep safe by ignoring them. Please take care hun. Keep posting. *hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
with your bleeding disorder you much know this is dangerous... also alcohol can thin the blood and stop it from clotting so drinking aswell as making yourself bleed is even more dangerous...
could you cll the crisis team anyway? I know you say that they probably can't do anything... but the sooner people know about these things the better. I agree with everythin zowie said, you can beet these voices, if not for you then for your mum
Ok here's a promise. Firstly, I promise to tell my psychologist everything on Wednesday. I will type a letter so that if I don't manage to say everything, at least the letter will talk for me. Secondly, I promise that if the psychologist does nothing to help and I fall into a crisis again, I will call the crisis line. However this has to be done at around 1am otherwise my parents will hear and they will try to intervene which is just plain interfering.
So that is why people sometimes drink a lot before they slit their wrists? I will try to drink less alcohol or something? I have to do this I'm afraid. I'll have my Desmopressin with me so that if the bleeding goes crazy, I'll just spray it and the blood should clot better. If it bleeds heavily for more than an hour, I'll leave the house, walk down the street and call an amublance.
I know I need to do this for my Mum, but she will not find out about tonight. Although I am thinking of drinking a little bit of every strong alcoholic bottle in the cabinet so that my parents won't notice that the alcohol has been drunk.
I am *that* close to drinking methylated spirits or surgical spirits or something.
Sorry. I am a useless f*cking piece of c*nt sh*t.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
As Shadowlight said, perhaps you could call the crisis team? I know the commands/voices seem so real but they are a part of your illness and as long as you don't listen to them and don't do as they say, you can't get hurt - really. They can't do anything by themselves, only you can cause damage by acting on them. I know it is difficult to ignore them (I hear voices but not psychotic ones) but you can and keep safe by ignoring them. Please take care hun. Keep posting. *hugs*
I want to believe that They are not real, but They walk in the street with me, They talk to me every hour of the day, They watch me through my bedroom window and They are part of my life. They were attached to me by the Higher Powers and I cannot get rid of Them unless I die and I don't want to die.
I am going to drink many coffees to prepare myself even though coffee doesn't really work with me.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
It's still a good idea to call the crisis team, as others have said.
As I said, I have made a promise to all you guys that I will if I get into a crisis again and my psychologist does nothing to help.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
you're not useless. you're really strong. please be careful. i know you said on another thread you have something where you bleed easier than some people. so make sure you're safe. i hope you can make it without cutting, but just remember that we are here for you even when you struggle. i'm glad you'll call crisis if necessary. *hugs*
Thanks Divine, thank you so much. I will have to spill blood, unless I am prepared to drink until I can't physically swallow any more or drink something pure or whatever, which I don't want to do as I'll go blind or die. I will have my Desmopressin spray with me so if the bleeding gets crazy, I'll use and hopefully the clottting will be better so it will stop bleeding.
I will call crisis on Wednesday or after that if the psychologist is no help. I may wait a couple of days just to see if she calls me about my letter.
Thank you so much for being around for me.
I really hope that I am not breaking any rules, I really am trying my hardest to stay in line with the rules.
I will add a trigger warning.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Ok last night/this morning I f*cked up. I did what They said.
I got myself bleeding into the sink. I must have lost quite a lot of blood. But my parents didn't notice as it was the early hours of the morning and they were asleep. I also drank about 200ml of some spirits, stronger than vodka. Tasted like disinfectant. Then I went a bit potty and couldn't really type or txt properly. I went to sleep at 4am and woke up at 7am. But I don't need much sleep so that's ok. Sleep is too dangerous anyhow. They still do disturbing things to me in my sleep.
I'm physically ok today. I went to the gym for 80 minutes and part of it was spent running 10km on the treadmill. I have to do this because of the Test They keep telling me I will go through. They say that I will have to fight someone for a very long time. So I need stamina, strength and agility. I have been practising my kickboxing as well as going on 80 minute vigorous workouts in the gym every second day.
I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow. I have prepared her a letter. Its long (I can never be concise as you know, I am very wordy) but it tells everything so I hope that she will understand at least. My psychiatrist didn't really respond to my other letter, well, I don't know because I'm seeing her on the 21st of April.
I feel sick. I just ate this massive hypertrophic pear and I feel really full up and sick.
Thank you so much for all the replies. You guys keep me going.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Kay, firstly sorry I always hug your threads and never actually reply. I'm not really all that good with advice.
Anyway, to the point. The quote is a lie. I think that for you to even try and resist the Voices and Them, you are incredibly strong, much more than you give yourself credit for. I'm glad to read that you're going to tell everything that's been going on tomorrow, and I just hope you get the help you need to deal with Them *hugs*
