hi, im new to this forum... and i decided to come here, to get some things off my chest
. my name is nick and im 18 years old, and i dont like being open to people face to face, so in a hope to get stuff out, im here...
at this present moment, i really hate to admit this, but i suffer fairly bad depression, which seems to take over my life at times. i have a fairly screwed up family atm, i have a lil brother and sister whom i love very much, and i have my mum and my step dad who kicked me out of home recently, told me they didnt love me, and that i wasnt to keep in contact with my brother or sister.... my real dad left me when i was young, and didnt keep in contact with me..... until recently he called up and said he loves me and he wants me to go stay with him...... i told him that he had lost his son the day he stoped keeping in contact, then hung up....(i havent heard from him since then)....... soooo i packed what i could and flew over to QLD.... and now im living with a friend....... which is good.... but every night i get this sick empty feeling.... i feel like crying all the time when i think of my family and friends who i left.... i used to cut myself a few years ago after the break up of my major relationship, with this girl i loved more than anything in the world.... (no joke i would of died for her)... anyway i got into a real bad pattern and started self harm though, burning my arm and cutting. well im back at that point, and im not even really sure why i cut myself, but i get this heavy sad urge and its like, if i cut myself maybe it will solve something...... but i honestly dont think it does but i get this overcomming feeling and do it anyway.....
last night i saw a pic of my ex gf kissing her new bf.... and i got the over comming feeling and i cut my arm...... (it sounds so fucken stupid... i dont know why i do it)....
also i find i get so angry, and this isnt just a normal angry when something goes wrong, i could randomly get angry and smash something, im addicted to violence, i love to fight. (i think its because i get so built up on anger and all my problems, its just a way to let it out, again im not sure why i do it.. i just do.)
i think too much... which is my big downfall.... i think about absolutely everything...... sometimes i even think to myself that people are watching me.... (again another fucked up thing)........ i talk to myself within my thoughts, which im kinda doing at the moment as i write this......
im seeing this woman atm and she says we are going out, yet she still flirts with every fucken guy..... it makes me so mad i just want to lash out and tell them all to piss off and get fucked..........
i have the biggest urge to want to hurt my ex gf's new bf.... i want to smash him so bad, he makes me so angry..... (but i dont even care..... im fully moved on and shit....... fioheoibgiodfhfiodshiofh!!!!!!!!)
when i got kicked from home, i had no-where to stay..... i slept in an abandoned factory....... one night i climbed on the roof and sat on the edge...... and thought to myself, how easy would it be to just lean forward a roll off.... end everything.... not have to worry about another thing ever...... leave all my problems behind........ but i couldnt bring myself to do it..... i fell backwards and cried myself to sleeeeeeppppppp......
anyway enough of my shit................... ill be back laters to post other stuff to get out......
im not here for attention, i dont want to be told EVERYTHING WILL BE ok..... because i tell myself that all the time..... and it never is.
