Almost Suicidal again - HELP!

mortiis32 · 18-03-2009, 06:56 PM

Hi all.
Well, here we go again - another sleepless night - sounds like the lyric from some cheezy 80's metal song, right? Well, that's what I have experienced. Every time I try to close my eyes and catch some sleep, I keep seeing the image of my father, looming over my bed again, abusing me.

I've always been troubled by nightmares and memories of my father's sexual abuse, but rarely have they ever been so vivid , and so re-occuring.

These dreams are actually happening now while I am awake, goddamit - I'm actually seeing my father standing in doorways, masturbating, calling me to him, making me scared all over again - and I am petrified.

I am trying hard to explain this the best way I can, and I'm an author, so you'd think I'd be quite good at that, but at the moment I am really on edge, I just don't want to see another day or night to have these images burnt into my mind again.

I'm seriously thinking about taking my life, and this is the first time I have been suicidal in almost 16 years - so I know things are pretty bad right now, I recognize that fact - and I accept it.

I feel I am to blame for my Dad's sexual abuse, even though I was only aged between 5 and 10 (it occured on a nightly basis for those 5 years), and I feel my father's shame for what he committed, I feel my own pain, and I feel the neglect from everyone around at the time who did nothing to stop the activity (including my own brother and Mother).

Right now my life has no point, and I want it to stop - the only point I can see right now is the fact that I am having all of this pain inflicted upon me for no reason at all.

Somebody please email me :
mortiis30@xtra.co.nz

thank you so much for listening, for being there.

Scott
xxx

shadow-light · 18-03-2009, 07:03 PM

do you have any professional support at all?
sometimes these nightmares/memories/flashbacks increase as a way of our mind telling us that it feels ready to deal with it... It's not a helpful way of the mind getting the message across, but it can be hard for our mind to communicate with us and a lot of what it does can be painful at first...

I know how awful these nightmares and things are, I wasn't abused by a parents but I was by my ex. But none of it was you, and you do not deserve to be suffering for his crime.

I would really advice you looking into some support if you don't have any at the moment. they can relly help, they can guide you through the healing process which can be VERY painful and distressing, especially if you go through it alone as it can be confusing...

I know that life can feel pointless at times, but it can get better, there is a point and you deserve to be hapy and free from the past. this is a possibility, it can occur but (as cliche as it sounds) it will take time, there is no time limit on recovery

mortiis32 · 18-03-2009, 07:25 PM

Shadow,

thanks for your kind words there. I do have a therapist, but she is entirely useless. I have been seeing her for over a year now, and have had NO success whatsoever with her. She seems to get off on forcefeeding religious banter down my throat, as opposed to trying to help me deal with my issues. I've tried finding another therapist, but she is the only one in the town where I live who is ACC funded.
So, I guess I don't have a suitable therapist, no.

angel of despair · 18-03-2009, 09:10 PM

Hey scott. can you get a theripist out of your town even if you do have to travel further itd be useful if it helps you. also maybe someone like the samaratens can help? Im sorry to hear what you'v been thorugh. ur welcome to email anytime u need to talk xx

Katiee · 18-03-2009, 09:11 PM

Heyy,
What your Dad did to you is not your fault at all.
If your therapist doesn't help you then maybe try and find one that will?
Please don't hurt yourself, it won't help anything. Please make sure you talk to someone about how you've been feeling. *HUGS*
Take care. zo.

Katiee · 18-03-2009, 09:12 PM

Heyy,
What your Dad did to you is not your fault at all.
If your therapist doesn't help you then maybe try and find one that will?
Please don't hurt yourself, it won't help anything. Please make sure you talk to someone about how you've been feeling. *HUGS*
Take care. xo.

mortiis32 · 19-03-2009, 12:31 AM

Hi, and thanks to everyone who has responded here. I really don't feel good at all right now, and I guess that everyone probably picked up on that, so the main thing I guess everyone is wondering is : "is he going to do it?".

Short Answer : I don't know.

Long Answer:
Yes. Probaby, depending on how many more of these fucking nightmares I actually have to go through, and how often I've got to put up with them. I've been awake for so long now that my body feels drunk, numb - almost stoned. I'm at University right now, and I'm trying to concerntrate, but every bit of information is just going in one ear and out the other right now, it's pathetic.

I can't go out of town for a therapist, because I don't currently drive (my license is something I am working on getting, if I live that long), so that's out of the option. Even though this therapist is actually completely useless, I might as well use her while I'm still here, even if just for a venting mechanism.

Hugs to all.

Scott
x

shadow-light · 19-03-2009, 12:39 AM

hmm... to me a therapist spouting religious stuff sounds slightly unprofessional... have you tried discussing her method with her? maybe explain that her current approach just isn't right for you?

mortiis32 · 19-03-2009, 09:45 PM

Shadow,
yes I have explained to her that I am not religious at all, and that her current method of counselling is not the right one for me, that it does not seem to be working - she said that I could just find another therapist if I am not happy, but she also knows that there are no others here in Blenheim who are ACC funded.
x