This is really hard for me to say, I don't know if I'm the only one or not, either. I also feel really bad just writing it here because I know that a lot of people reading this probably have been abused, as well, so if you are sensitive to reading things about it, please don't read this, I guess?
Anyway, I was in a relationship for years with a guy that was physically and mentally abusive to me. In my head, I know it's wrong.
But, now I'm with someone who is so amazing and wonderful to me. For some reason, though, even though I know it's wrong, like...I kind of feel like I want to be abused? I don't know why. I know it's really wrong and irrational and probably somewhat cracked of me to want something like that, but I can't help it.
Anyone feel like this who's experienced abuse, or have any advice? THanks
xx.
Because even the sweetest angel has a sadistic side.
makes sense... it;s sort of like we get "used" to the abuse... change can make us feel vulnerable, but repetition of what we know (even if what we know is bad) can make us feel secure...
YES! I do know what you mean and I think it is quite common.
Especially if the abuse went on for a long time when that is taken away its really strange. I know I still want to be hurt so I can be punished. I guess you need to figure out what it is you want from being abused so then you can work through it.
Do you have anyone you can talk to?
x
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Hey,
Do you think it could be because you were in that relationship for so long , that your confidence was put so low that you believed you deserved the abuse?
And also I agree with other people about the change , even if its a horrible situation, we do adapt to it, and miss it when things change
Hope I've helped
Em
We’ve got obsessions
I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week
We’ve got obsessions
You never tell me what it is that makes you strong and what it is that makes you weak.
I'm not sure exactly, if I feel I deserve it. I mean, when i was in the relationship I deserved it, but now I'm out and with someone new. I guess sometimes I feel I've done certain things in the relationship to deserve it, but I think it's also a really comforting kind of thing? Even though it's abuse it comforts me and makes me feel more secure knowing that someone else has a certain level of control over me in that kind of way. I don't know, is that weird? :/ But, it wouldn't work with just anyone having control over me, like a best friend, it'd have to be a boyfriend...
Because even the sweetest angel has a sadistic side.
Maybe you are quite submissive naturally, which in a way amplifies your "need" to be abused for the familiarality. Or maybe you're scared of trusting your boyfriend not to abuse you, because it leaves you vulnerable - you're expecting abuse to protect yourself from it hurting so much, if that makes sense.
I haven't been in this situation, I'm just throwing out suggestions.
"Well yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid." "Yeah."
I understand what you mean and, judging from the responses above, it seems to be quite a common thing.
If your need is to be controlled, have you considered suggesting S&M or something similar? I mean, I don't know if you and your boyfriend would be into that or if it would satisfy your urges, but it would mean that you get to be controlled by someone else without anything 'abusive' actually going on.
7th July 2007
Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have isn't permanent. (Jean Kerr)
