Graphic / Triggering - obsessed with it

gotta-breathe · 08-03-2009, 11:51 PM

I'm obsessed with cutting. Yes doing it, but also looking at pictures of it, reading stories of it, looking for new things to do it with, songs that talk about it. Everything.

I go looking for things to trigger me. And then, when I make myself NOT cut, I feel weak for not giving in. Why?

Every time I cut and it doesnt bleed, I get furious. I want to slam the blade into my wrist and make it bleed.

I've spent all weekend thinking about nothing but cutting, but haven't done it yet. And I hate myself for it. For not having done it. Because if I do then it would prove there was something wrong with. Because there has to be something wrong with me for it to feel like this.

shadow-light · 09-03-2009, 12:06 AM

I've done the whole intentionally triggering myself thing too... I don't know why...

a lot of people get irriated if they feel they haven't done it "enough" like if you do less than yo usually do or whatever... I'm not sure why this is either...

but one thing i can say if stpping yourself is not weak, if anything is is the opposite.

do you have any support at all?

gotta-breathe · 09-03-2009, 12:09 AM

I did. I had a best friend. She used to listen to me everytime I told her what had happened. She'd promise me it was okay. Now, she ignores my texts when I text about it.

Maybe the therapist my parents are sending me to will help, but I haven't met her yet. I've never felt so alone

Minotaur · 09-03-2009, 12:09 AM

You've got to remember that cutting is a chemical addiction as well as a psychological one. Every time you cut, your brain releases hormones that are addictive, meaning that your body feels like it needs a fix of those hormones regularly, making you want to cut in order to feed your habit. You're probably addicted, which is why you're obsessed about it.

Take care of yourself.

*hugs*

shadow-light · 09-03-2009, 12:12 AM

therapists can be of great use, as long as you are open with them anyway. the more you tell them the more they can help.

do you know why your friend stopped texting you? maybe they just don't know how to react, sort of feeling that ignoring the issue is easier, or scared that if they do the wrong thing they'll make things worse

gotta-breathe · 09-03-2009, 12:33 AM

I don't understand though. She was cutting too for a while and she was helping me through it. But now...she's gotten out and left me behind. I almost feel like she dragged me into this pit and is climbing the walls while I'm lying on the ground.

I guess maybe she just doesnt want to be reminded of it all. But now who do I turn to?

shadow-light · 09-03-2009, 12:38 AM

ah, ye your probably right... she's probably trying to distance herself from it until she feels strong enough to face it again...

do you know how long it will be before you see the therapist?

gotta-breathe · 09-03-2009, 12:39 AM

i think...tuesday.

I understand her...but I'm so mad.

Katiee · 09-03-2009, 12:49 AM

Heyya,
I completely understand what you're saying. I used to trigger myself for the sake of it. I was obsessed with it. I know it's hard to think about other things when you're obsessed with something and can't stop thinking about it. But it won't stay like this forever even though it might seem like it. Are you getting any professional help/support? If not, I think it would be a good idea. Take care, we're always here for you. x