I was wondering... if I had a chance to go back in time and make sure i never made that first cut, or maybe that I never even wanted to cut, would I? Would you? I mean it's so much a part of me I couldn't imagine a past without it. I wouldn't be as understanding of people and I just would be so different... But maybe I also would have finished school and so forth. Now this isn't saying cutting is good. Far from it. But if, knowing what you know now, you could go back and change that one thing... would you? Would you take back the things that made you cut in the first place (trauma, abuse, emotional disabilities, etc.)? Just curious cause I honestly couldn't make up my mind about it... It's so horrible yet so intertwined in my life.
No. I know i wouldnt because if i didnt take it back i would have been dead. I would have ended up killing myself if i didnt have SI.
I HATE the scars and the hurt im casuing people though. But i wouldlt let anyone find out. Id keep it to myself.
I wouldn't; it's been an intrinsic part of me for so long I can't imagine what would take its place instead.
Plus I'm met so many amazing people through forums and such because of everything that's happened, and I'd rather keep the friendships and lessons I've learnt though all this than never had experiences from my past.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
No. It's been crappy to go through but it's helped get my through things much worse.
I've met a lot of amazing people through it too and learnt a lot of lessons.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
i think if i hadn't started SIing i would be dead now so no i wouldn't take it back, but if i could go back i would have stopped myself cutting on my arms, i would have told myself to do it somewhere else.
We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken
yes... I know that it may have maybe taught me things and helped me in some way, but I still would... not just due to the scars and isolation, but also the damage it's done to my self-esteem... and the way I get paranoid about people finding out and using the knowledge against me... I'd love to be able to have learnt "normal" ways to cope, but due to the SI sort of working I never bothered, which means that now I'm trapped, can't imagine life without it, it's the first thing I do as soon as anything goes wrong, and no matter how hard I try to stop I can't... also I hate the pain I have caused others... I hate the way that those who know now ask me "so how many have you done?" everytime something bad happens... I hate the way it's become an intrinsic part of my life... so it may be the easy way out, but if I could I really would have never started...
If I had learnt to deal with my problems like other people, then maybe I would have gotten over it ages ago.
But now I'm kind of stuck with the SI label, and the problems have just dragged on.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know, right now you can't tell. But stay a while and maybe then you'll see A different side of me Unwell - Matchbox 20
"Why inflict pain on oneself, when so many others are ready to save us the trouble?"
George Pacaud (1879 - 1937)
its really hard to say..
but i think if i didnt go down the si route it would have been worse
it would of all built up and i would have done something stupid
si took the stress out when i needed it
but the repercussions its caused will last a life time
the si label is hard to get rid of. its there for life
Yes, because I would have found healthier ways to cope--like opening up and talking to people. Then I wouldn't need to cut.
and I'd still be able to cry.
However, if it werent for the cutting I probably wouldn't have been able to get myself to ask for help for my depression, and may have actually attempted suicide...instead of just threatening to and being hospitalized.
bleuh. I dunno.
Last edited by Dreamer And Believer : 15-02-2009 at 07:44 PM.
Wow, this is a really hard and interesting question!
Sometimes I say yes, because then I wouldn't have the scars and I wouldn't have damaged the relationships I did. And I wouldn't still be struggling. Perhaps I would have found a different way of dealing with the problem than I did.
Sometimes I say no, because as bad as it was, I learned a LOT from it. And, as sad and stereotypical as it sounds, I would have killed myself without it and if I hadn't, I would be struggling with things a LOT worse.
No, I wouldn't. As much as i hate my SI and myself sometimes, it defines me. It shows that I AM weak and make bad decisions, but even with all that, it's me.
It also brought me closer to my best friend. Without is, i would never know a side of me and her like i do now. So all in all, i wouldn't "fix" it. In the long run, its not worth it to me.
Wow.
Very good question...
I would never take it back.
It's made me such a better person actually... And... I probably would've killed myself if I hadn't started cutting.
I love myself more now than ever before... I love each of my scars, and hate them too. I don't think I'd take back anything I've done actually... I know I regret some things, well a lot of things, but they've all been for a reason, and helped me learn so much. I've been able to explore so many more emotions because of it... Without it, I would be ignorant and angry, or dead.
I love it. I hate it. It's such a huge part of me... I would never take that away from myself.
Yes and no. Yes because it is a horrible way to cope and I wish I had never done to myself and my relationships with friends and family what I did... but also simply because it is such a bad way to cope.
BUt no, becasue it has given me an understanding that I wouldn't have had before and it has given me credibility with young people that I work with now. I can tell young people that cutting is bad and they can look at me and know i'm not just spouting garbage. I know it is bad cause i've been there and struggled with it.
I'm still not sure though if that makes it worth it... but since I can't go back and change the past... i'll have to use it to do the best I can.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
