Odd relationship problem?

allister88 · 12-02-2009, 11:32 PM

Hi there Vets,

Right okay, I need some advice (and maybe some reassurance).

Okay, so i've been seeing this lovely lady called Roseanne, i **** up occasionally as many people do, we usually sort it out and then fight about something else (it was like this for about a year on and off).

We broke up just before christmas, we both found someone new, then a month later we got back in touch and decided we were both wrong and got back together. A couple of days after we got back together, I started feeling down and cut her name (quite deeply) in my arm - ****ing stupid mistake but hey ho. She know's that I used to cut and that was just quite simply the way of life for me 4 years prior to this all. She decides for both of us they we shouldn't be together for a while, whilst i get some much needed help - she says she will wait for me and that she only wants to be with me but I need to be less needy.

She has also said that I need to get used to life without her so i can realise that I don't NEED to be with her, but just want to be with as it was cause less strain on the relationship.

Now my main problem with this situation is that this time away from her is actually making me quite upset, even knowing that at the end I can have her back when i'm feeling better. Any advice?

I am also quite paranoid (for no reason, apart from she is actually hugely out of league) and although the feeling is actually dwinderling I worry that it could come back. Any advice?

What I do know though is that, ALL of the arguments are caused by me being an absolute knob and maybe worrying a little bit to much?

Okay if anyone, and I mean anyone has anything to reply with that would be lovely.

Cheers guys/girls.
x

Lou Lou · 13-02-2009, 03:50 PM

I can understand how you feel. being without someone you care aobut can be extremely painful and upsetting. This is probably massively lame advice but in these situations it is best just to roll with it.

She probably has a point in that you need to learn to be without her and sort yourself a little as the relationship would just deteriorate with the added pressure.

Do you still speak to her, text her/e-mail her/phone her and so on? I only ask because sometimes constant contact makes it more difficult to let go - even if it is only for a little while.

A break from her is probably what you both need. I don't mean to stick my nose in or anything but sounds to me like it's a bit of a destructive relationship. Always on and off arguing and so on.
Perhaps this time apart will help you both to realise where you are going wrong, what you need to fix or if it even can be fixed. Sometimes people just don't work well together, no matter how much you care about each other.
Ultimately volatile relationships just keep pulling people down which is no good for either party.

Just try and avoid too much contact with her while you're apart. Concentrate on yourself and not on the relationship (or lack thereof). Keep busy, go out with friends, get on with work/school (if applicable)

Hope that was somewhat helpful xx

Detour. Derail · 13-02-2009, 04:26 PM

eek...its a difficult one but I'll try :]

Firstly...have you tried to tell her that you feel upset when you arent with her? It may sound like a silly thing to ask but it's oone thing that I personally struggle with. its understandable that you want to be with her...it sounds like you care for her an awful lot!! But I do agree with Lou Lou that sometimes talking to someone alot when you are having a break can be more painful because you are having that constant contact and its all too easy to beat yourself up about it emotionally when you know what that loved one is doing.

I hope you dont mind me asking but how long have you been on a break for? These things normally get better with time. Yes I understand that it really hurts and at times feels like it will never ever get better but trust me it does, you just have to give it a little while.

With the second point, what is it that makes you feel she is out of your league?
Could it just be your own insecurities?
Most people feel like this at some point or another but you need to remeber that she has CHOSEN to be with you...
Personally...I dont believe that you can be "out of someones league" (it just seems like a way to let someone down gently) because if two people love each other...theres really nothing stopping them being together...especailly not looks (which is what these leagues seem to be based on)

Im sorry...I hope this helps,
Take Care
Alexx
xoxo

Field Of Paper Flowers · 13-02-2009, 08:36 PM

I don't mean to sound harsh at all hun but it seems to me that she's "holding the cards" on this relationship.

If she knew you self harmed and said...

Quote:

she says she will wait for me and that she only wants to be with me but I need to be less needy.

She has also said that I need to get used to life without her so i can realise that I don't NEED to be with her, but just want to be with as it was cause less strain on the relationship.

Why did she get back with you again if she can easily say this to you after breaking up with you once again?

She just seems pretty harsh towards you if I'm honest. She's obviously been a hypocrite as she agreed that you both wanted to be with each other again.

With the whole "I'll wait for you" she might say this, but she may also find someone else. You never know what the future holds, sadly.

If I was you I'd move on, it doesn't seem that the relationship works out too well in the first place. You said you argue and she feels this way towards you.

I'm sure she's a lovely person and the same goes for you, but I do think it's time to move on hun. *hugs lots*

shadow-light · 14-02-2009, 10:12 PM

I almost ended up in this same situration in September... by boyfriend said basicall the same thing to me as what you have been told... he changed his mind though after we had a long chat and came up with some "conditions" such as I re-started councilling and stuff... so can't fully relate as I only had the run up to this and not the actual event...

are you currently seeing anyone about these things? s this time appart a case of no contact or just not being together?

I do agree with all that's been said above. but from the other perspective I can understand why some people cannot cope with "neediness", I guess it can feel suffocating to a person... and I can also understand that sometimes people think that it will be easier for the other person to work things through if they are not in a relationship. but try not to blame yourself too much, arguments require 2 people and can very very rarely be blamed on just one, I've slowly been leaning this recently...

not sure what to advice... If not already I would advice you speak to your gp and see if there is any help/support that you can get which will help you get to where you want to be. Other than that, try not to blame yourself for things, Ive found that self-blame only makes things worse...
it's also quite good to hve a few different people who you can speak to, that way not all of the pressure is on any one person (this isn't meant to sound nasty, bad wording) so there will be less of a "strain" on people as you can sort of spread out who you spak to. I'm really not explaining this well...

allister88 · 16-02-2009, 02:25 PM

Hey guys,

Right after my posting you guys have come up with top help thanks very much.

sHow things are now - we're texting each other occasioanlly, the odd phone call day-to-day and things are going well. We've decided not to meet up for a few more days/week. But tbh im really not worrying about her anymore, and I have a feeling she maybe right (that time away from each other is probobly the most helpful thing possible). So all in all its been nice.

Lou Lou - Yes, indeed we have a spent a couple of weeks not seeing each other talking very much, it has helped alot. I've focused on Uni work, and getting myself 'better' with the help of Sertraline, really good medication, was on for about 2 years 4 years ago so thats always nice. I feel hugely more positive about myself knowing that I don't need to be with her.

Voice of Reason - We've been on a break for about 2 weeks now, it's going well and I think it is solving problems - although I am fully aware that we both have issues with each other that we need to speak about. I feel that she is out of my league as she is stunning, she is the most beautiful girl i've ever been with, she makes me laugh, she tidys my room (what a good girl!), cooks for me, picks me up when iv had to much to drink, and scratches my back

.

Field of paper flowers - Your post was quite difficult to read, becuase yes you maybe right, but at the same time I understand which 'angel' you were coming from, I am not perfect, and for the past year I have held the cards, and I have called for breaks and what not as well, so maybe I didn't tell both sides of the story well but I thank you for your input and your honesty.

Morrigan - Indeed, the arrangement to begin with was extreamly difficult, but I am feeling okay about it now, yes it might be difficult but I understand why she is doing this. I believe that my neediness was extreamly problomatic, as it was all ways her i was going to with my problems and although some could say "Thats what she is therefore", they could be right, but since I never went to anyone else it ment that there would be no time for the good times (does that make sence?!). Anyway I'm not going to force her to get back with me and time will tell. Hows things going with your situation?

shadow-light - I think our situations are similar, I need to get some help be it counciling/medication (i find that meds work better anyway), atleast showing that I am willing to get better. Although I am blaming myself for this situation, I know that she has made this decision, and she is also hurt by what is going on but things can and will get better with time. And yes I do need to speak to more than one person, and I think she was getting very upset about it when it was just her. So in the past two weeks I have been seeing my friends talking to them and I feel so much better for not always speaking to just one person who is actually getting sick of my moaning!

Anyway thank you SO SO much for your help guys,

If you want any personal advice from me (regarding any situation) please drop me a line and maybe i can help you out :)

x

teenytineytori · 22-02-2009, 08:58 AM

I am glad things are getting easier for you. I saw that you said you are on medication and that it works better. Are you also doing counseling? If you are in a relationship where you have also called for breaks and contributed to an unhealthy situation situation so that you do not continue a negative pattern it may be a good idea to speak with someone. They may help you to learn how to articulate your feelings in a better way so that you have a more open line of communication. (If you are seeing someone that was pointless)

I broke up with my bf of two years because I partly needed to have some other experiences and needed to get my own stuff together and so did he. It worked out for the best but we both dated other people which was very difficult. We are together now but we really had to work hard to get to where we are. It can work but sometimes it is extemely difficult.