Triggering (SI/OD) - Oh crap, it's not normal, is it? *sui trig also**
OMG, it's Tuesday evening, I've spent the last 2 days at work thinking about ways to top myself. Not able to concentrate.
I find myself cutting in order to get through another night.
It's not normal, is it? To cut to stay alive? To sneak a knife from the kitchen in order to try and cause more damage? To have to fight on a daily basis not to take an OD.
It's hit me the reality of it all. Psychotherpay sounds all well and good if you want to stay alive but I don't. I need to self destruct.
I've not been taking my meds on occasion of late - partly because if I did I would OD but partly because I am fed up of the depression, the numbness of everything, I miss the destruction.
I need to hurt myself more, kill myself. I just have to.
Sorry, all this pretending to be positive, to get on with things, that's stupid. Die, die, die!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
cutting in general i guess isn't technically "normal"... but i dont think that cutting to stay alive is any less normal... in a way that's kind of what we are all doing...
i dont reaklly havre much advice.... but i'm think of you and really hope that these feeling=s dont last (and that someone with more advice/ of more use comes along soon)
Thanks but tonight I've come to a realisation, the voices are right. I keep fighting them and come up against this, I don't and nothing. I need the tracks, the road, anything. I think tonight should be the night. I can't explain it, just seems right to do this. I've been stupid -trying to work, etc, but I shouldn't be because I need to be hurt, be destroyed. I'm not supposed to be here and that's why everything hurts or feels - well, nothing.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
never compare problems to others. no matter how big or small a person's problenms are they are still problems and still deserve ehlep and to be spoken about.
if you go for a walk will it help? or are you likely to end up doing soemthing? I know when I'm feeling particually bad going for a walk can pritty much go either way...
but if you weren't supposed to be here then you wouldn't be... and who says who "should" and "shoudln't" be here anyway? you deserve to be here and you deserve to feel something other than hurt
I don't want to be here though. I have tried due to the guilt of what it might do to others - eg create inconveniences to others. I myself though shouldn't be here, not really.
Thanks. Maybe post later when get back from walk.
Sorry to keep wasting space.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
They want me to take my meds and "get through the night". They have no clue. They see me and judge me on ther basis of what they see but this isn't how I used to be. I don't want to have to just keep getting through the day, I need it to stop, can't explain the pain or the noise of the nothingness, just want it all to stop, please. Why am I being tortured in this way?
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
*hugs* I read today that people cut to stay alive, it shows fight and strength that you're not yet ready to give in. It shows that there is still hope. I don't know, but I hope so.
It isn't how it used to be and somehow, at some time it is not how it will be and until that time I hope you find the strength to carry on. Keep posting, hugs, Hannah
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
Carrie; it's not you that's thinking that.. it's the depression, the negative thoughts and voices saying that. I remember your positive post you had the other day; there is hope.. there is light. Please keep fighting; please try and stay safe. *hugs you lots*
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
So I made it through the night but am I pleased? No. It doesn't change anything. Really just so incredibly tired of this. I'm not depressed or ill or anything like that, I'm actually just a freak.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I guess thats why you've been referred to the red house. Because thats their speciality, dealing with those urges and needs that become overwhelming.
So that you can start to get your life back from this illness - because thats whats making you feel like this, it isn't you honey. Its an illness and thats why you deserve the help to get better.
Have you heard back from them yet?
xx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
Sorry to keep wasting space. Can I really stay safe tonight? I should do - take responsibility, etc. CPN supposed to be coming in the morning - we'll see.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Youre not wasting space. It sounds like youre really struggling with overwhelming urges.
Is there anyone you can ring or be with whilst youre feeling this way?
I know its a constant battle and how hard it can be and youre doing really well in fighting it off.
You're not wasting space!
I hope you can stay safe and that it helps seeing your cpn in the morning. Don't drive yourself mad thinking what you should do, do what you can to get through another day xxxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
It shouldn't be like this though. Pretending everything is ok to work and my housemate but the noise is so loud at the moment, they won't shut up. They no I'll fail. Concentration is rubbish at the moment. I don't know. Want to hurt, really do but then if my cpn comes tomorrow and he asks me when last time I harmed, I'll have to tell him, won't I.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I guess you would have to decide whether to tell him, but yeah prob best to be honest.
*hugs* here if you want to chat x
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
Trying to do some of my OU maths to distract myself but just like at work this week, I just can't think straight. Can't get other things out of my head.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
