Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Sexual Assault/Sexual Abuse Question

fionars · 12-01-2009, 03:52 AM

This is a question for anyone who has suffered any kind of sexually related incident. 6/7 years ago I was the victim of a sexual assault. Since then Ive gone through a whole range of stuff but I thought I was through the worst. However, I have recently been getting these worrying flashes in my mind of what I could be capable of. By that I mean images popping up in my head of situations in which I could hurt someone like I was hurt, situations playing out in which I am the perpertrator. Im not worried about actually doing something like that, I know I would and could never do it. Its just a sort of scary development that is making me freak out a little. Makes me want to SI for having such horrible thoughts. It makes me so ashamed just to be admitting something so awful has existed in my mind. Im not explaining this very well, its kinda hard to put into words. But basically my question is, has anyone else had these thoughts pass through there minds? Or does anyone know why it happens? I just need to know I'm not a freak.

-Shae-Lynn* · 12-01-2009, 04:10 AM

I've neverexperienced anything like this, but that does NOT mean that you are alone in feeling this way. Think back to the school playground, usually the kid who is a bully was bullied first. They do it to make themselves feel less "whimpy" or whatever. Maybe you are haveing these thoughts now because you want to prove on some level that you are not the same person you were before, that you are stronger? I might be way way off, but that's kinda how I see it.
It's good that you know you have no intention of going through with these thoughts, that doesn't mean they arent troubling though!
Are you able to talk to anyone in real life?

12-01-2009, 09:45 AM

you are definately NOT a freak. youre not alone in having these thoughts either. i have been through sexual abuse and last year i had thoughts that were very similar from what youve said. the thoughts were there but never any intention of carrying out the act. it really upset me, and i was too ashamed of having these thoughts to say anything to anyone. eventually i got into such a state that i blurted it out. what my keyworker said when i told her was this -

"thoughts come and go, whats important is how you act. if you had these thoughts and intentions of carrying them out, then i would be worried, but youve told me that you would never act on them. thats whats important. a thought is just a thought, unless you choose to make it an action."

to be honest, i dont think you should worry too much about this, from my experience, the more you worry about it the more your thinking about it. as youve said theres no intend to act, so try to accept that its a thought and nothing more. i know im kinda making it sound easy, and its not, but when i stopped worrying about it all the time, the thoughts gradually filtered out. i dont know why it happens though...

hope this helps and that you feel better soon.

well done for being brave enough to post this, i know it cant have been easy x *safe hugs*

Only Distraction · 12-01-2009, 11:36 AM

I understand exactly how you feel.
'I want to pound someone, pound them into the floor until they hurt as much as I do'.
I think it's all part of the realisation or healing process. The built up anger that was once focused on yourself is now focused on innocent people that have never done anything to hurt you. I feel the same but I don't know why we feel this way.
If the feelings of agression become overwhelming maybe you should think about going to see someone.

Take care.

shadow-light · 12-01-2009, 01:27 PM

I have sort of had this...

apparently this is the mind "justifying" what happened... by playing it out the other way around the mind can sort of see it as normal or acceptable.

judey · 12-01-2009, 03:25 PM

its not unusual at all. because of the awful thing that happened to you, this kind of violence is at the forefront of your brain and comes out in ways you don't want it to. are you getting any help for this, talking through and making sense of what happened can help stop these "flashes" coming to you against your will.

falling tears · 12-01-2009, 05:33 PM

Please dont feel like a bad person for having these feeling, because in my expeiriance this is a natural feeling for somebody who has gont through what you have.

However, maybe it would be a good idea to speak to somebody about this as it must be scary and talking is a way of helping to get the bad images away.

Please look after yourself and take care!

Love jen x

fionars · 13-01-2009, 12:48 AM

I have talked to people but not for a few years and certainly not about this. Thanks for the comments though, all of them made a lot of sense. Its good to know there is some reasoning behind it all.