Basically a relationships rant.
Background:
My boyfriend Sean and I have been together for about 18months now and we go to uni together where we see each other every day, have the same circle of friends etc. We've both been back home now for about 2 weeks (he lives an hour away from me) and, as with every other time we've been home from uni, it's been really hard to get him to come see me.
He phoned last weekend and said that he was too tired (and too stoned) to come see me; he wanted to spend the day with his mates. I was upset but said that it was fine because he said he would come see me this weekend. He phoned me last night and said he would call me today to let me know what time he would be over. Got a phone call this afternoon to say that he wouldn't be coming. He couldn't be bothered to spend time with my parents and wanted to have a day where he could just sit around and get stoned and not do anything.
Long story short - I started crying, he got annoyed because I was crying, he hung up on me, I phoned him back, he said that he couldn't be ****ed to come over. After some more crying and shouting (from both of us, to be fair) the line went dead. I don't know whether he hung up, his phone battery ran out, or the line just went dead. Before it cut out, he said he loved me, so I texted him to say I love him too, but I don't know whether it got through or not. And I've had no contact from him since, even though he told me he would phone me later. I don't want to be the one to text him again.
I'm supposed to be going to stay at his for New Years but I don't know what to do now. It feels like it's always me doing all the running - calling, texting, travelling to see him. It's as if he just expects me to be there, like he doesn't believe he has to do anything and I'll just turn up.
I'm his first girlfriend (he'd never even been kissed when he got to uni), his first kiss, first ****, etc etc. And I know that I was happy to do a lot for him when we started going out because I knew that he didn't really know how to have a relationship, I was 'teaching' him I guess. But he hasn't learnt, he hasn't grown up at all in that time.
This has got a bit rambly. Basically, am I in the wrong for being upset that he won't come to see me? Should I just forgive him, apologise for getting upset? Should I accept that maybe this is the end of our relationship?
I just need someone else's opinion on this really. It's ****ing depressing me and I'm considering destroying 18 months, 2 weeks and 6 days without self harm. I know I dont really want to do that but the thought's in my head now and I don't know how strong I am. I need some help, some support, just something!!! Please . . .
7th July 2007
Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have isn't permanent. (Jean Kerr)
And his facebook status (I know that's a lame way to see how he's feeling but it works!) went from "Sean is on the edge . . . the verge of frenzy", then he added "but on the plus side, at least I didn't lose my playstation remote".
Is it just me or doesn that sounds like he just doens't care? I really dont know what to think anymore.
7th July 2007
Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have isn't permanent. (Jean Kerr)
i'm in a sort of similar situration... appart from that I live with my boyfriend... we are currently visiting parents and it took me almost 3 days of asking befofre we left home just to get him to agree to text me while he was there... I'm always the one doing the running too...
I have found though, that the less "needy" you seem the more possitivly they react... for example, if every now and then you don't run, and don't make a sacrifice... sort of scares them... it's hard to do though...
I think the problem is that sometimes they take the fact that we'll be there for granted... so by saying that "the less needy you act the better they react" I'm not saying it's your fault, just bad wording, can;t think of better... but every now and then I think we need to remind them that we may not always jump no matter what and that they need to make an effort now and again
may not be the best advice.. but it's what I have found to work... i now get dayly texts and generally get to see my boyfriend now and then while we're at parents houses. though I am still always the one to go over there... not sorted that issue yet...
thank you so much. I've psent the entire day convince that i'm teh one who's causing all this. that it's all my fault. he admitted on the phone that he's being selfish but still made me feel bad for crying. i'm just gonna have to try not to contact him until he contacts me. but i always end up giving in and texting to say sorry. i hate leaving things tense between us.
7th July 2007
Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have isn't permanent. (Jean Kerr)
Now my Mum's sticking her oar in. I'm meant to be going to Sean's for New Years but my mum has said that I shouldn't.
I have a horrible feeling that if I don't go, it'll just make things worse. Sean will think that I'm not going just to be petty and stubborn and no amount of explaining will make him change his mind. And I'll just be depressed which isn't really fair on my parents (who I'll inevitably end up spending New Years with if I'm not with Sean).
But if I go, there's a chance I won't actually tell him any of the things I need to and I'll just pretend everything's fine.
If I'm honest, I want to go. I figure that it'll at least give us an opportunity to talk about all this face-to-face, where he can't hang up on me, there's less chance of misunderstanding because we can actually see each other. I want that chance to explain things to him properly. And I can tell him that we're not goin out drinking, not seeing his friends, until we've sorted this out. If that messes up his evening then tough *****. He should have thought of that.
The problem is that it's not just me making this decision. Well, obviously Sean's involved as well - there's always a chance he'll tell me he doesn't want to see me. But my family are involved now. I know they're just looking out for me but I can't just decide to go to Seans without my mum getting involved. She thinks I should stay home, not go running to him. But I don't feel like I'm going running. I'm not doing it for his benefit, I'm doing it for mine. I need to get this sorted, I need to talk to him properly so we can either sort it out or call it a day.
I'd rather not do it on New Years Eve (just means I'm more likely to remember it in years to come and get brought down by it all over again) but he's working Monday, Tuesday, and till 4pm Wednesday so there's not any other opportunity (I'm going back to uni next Saturday).
What should I do?
What would you do?
Help!!!
7th July 2007
Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have isn't permanent. (Jean Kerr)
Your Mum is just trying to look out for you, TBH I'm not sure I'd want to see a guy that said he couldn't be ****ed to see me. I can understand you wanting to have it out with him though, as you are clearly unhappy. Perhaps you could explain toy your mum that your motivation to see him is to resolve this issue. How far away does he live? Could you leave there and come home if you wanted too? In honesty, without wishing to upset you he should really offer to come to you if he actually gives a damn.
Play the game out
Amor Vincit Omnia
Dad 10/11/2008 Always our sunshine, I'm still playing for the town hall clock
I know that my Mum is only looking out for me. She keeps going on about me not staying the night with him because we'll just jump into bed together. I can understand why she'd think that but I need her to be able to trust me not to do that.
He lives about an hour away and even if I go over New Years eve there are trains running all night so I could get home if I needed to. He hasn't got plans for the evening so it'll be me and him (think his mum'll be in the house too if anything goes horribly wrong) and we can have the whole night to talk if we need it. I can completely understand everyone else's point of view - that it shouldn't be me going to see him, that if I stay over there's more chance of us jumping into bed together. But if I don't go to him there's not really another opportunity for us to speak face-to-face until Jan 11th and I don't want to be stuck feeling like this for another 2 weeks. I know it shouldn't be me putting in the effort again but I'm doing it for my sake, for my sanity, not to give him the easy way out.
If I am going to break up with him, I should at least do that to his face, right? I'm his first girlfriend (which probs doesn't help) and we've been together for a while. I know I would be so hurt if he dumped me over the phone and I probably wouldn't listen to anything else he told me, in fact I'd probably just hang up and never speak to him again. I need to explain how I'm feeling, how he's made me feel. I can't just dump him over the phone.
We spoke on facebook last night (which I didn't really want to do) and I managed to get some of my points across but I think he left the conversation with the idea that we're alright now, and that I just need to see him for everything to be okay again. I really need to see him to tell him and make it clear that it's not alright, that we're not okay. I don't think he actually realises that I'm thinking of ending it and I need to make that clear to him.
None of this is helped by the fact that I still don't really know what I want. Everytime I think I've made a decision, I talk to someone and they remind me of something he did, or something I said to them previously, and it makes me reconsider. In the last 24 hours I've gone from wanting to leave him, to wanting to throw everything I can into it to make it work, and I've made that change about 4 times!
I wish there was a way someone could just give me the answer, tell me what to do and tell me what I want. But I know they can't. And whatever I do someone will get hurt. He'll be annoyed/upset if I don't go over tomorrow, but my parents will be annoyed/upset if I do. Either way, I'm going to get hurt. Catch 22. . .
7th July 2007
Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have isn't permanent. (Jean Kerr)
It's not surprising for you to feel such a massive conflict of emotions, this is an emmensly difficult situation, but as you've said yourself only you can make the decison.
At the end of the day your parents are trying to protect you, but I'm sure they would try to understand if you did go, even if they were a bit stung at first. They just don't want to see you getting messed around and if your boyfriend has made little or no attempt to come and see you or keep in conact, or displayed any desire to meet them, you can understand that they have a less than positive view of him. Even though this is his first relationship, it's not really an excuse to behave the way he is doing.
You may feel like it's the right thing to stay with him and nurture him, but you can't make someone develop and change. You said in your post you felt sometimes like you wanted to throw everything into it and try to make it work, but do you think he would do the same? Because ultimately this relationship won't work unless you put equal effort in.
If you feel unsure then perhaps you need some time, if anything you should be able to tell him how you are feeling without him punishing you for it. If he cares he'll let you take as long as you need and as he only lives an hour away, could you not go another day? Or as I have previously mentioned, could he not visit you?
Sorry if I seem to be damning of him, it just seems a bit unfair on you to have to go to all the effort, and it appears he's not doing much to show you how much he cares about you. Sorry I don't want to make you sad or anything, Good luck. I hope whatever happens it works out the best for you.
Play the game out
Amor Vincit Omnia
Dad 10/11/2008 Always our sunshine, I'm still playing for the town hall clock
I know I shouldnt be the one going to see him, I shouldn't be the one putting in all the effort again. But there's no other day that we can meet because he's working, then I'm going back to uni. i don't want to stay in this state for another 2 weeks waiting for him to get back to uni. I don't want to be the one making the effort, but it's either that or I'm the one suffering for another fortnight.
In my heart and my head I know that this can't carry on. I can't stay in a relationship where I'm the one doing all the work. And it's going to be so hard to finish it, but I know it's the right thing.
I just have to explain that to him now. Make him see that this is what's right for us, not just what's right for me.
7th July 2007
Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have isn't permanent. (Jean Kerr)
in the end you are the only one who can decide this... though one point I have learnt myself, it that from the outside problems often appear larger than they are, hence why people tend to seem irritaed by them or try to force their opinion in... I know that these people are only trying to look out for you, but you are the one in the situration and so you are the only one who is able to see the full picture and work out the best course of action.
in my relationship I am always the one to go and visit my boyfriend when we are with parents, I know that maybe he should come here now and then but that's not possible due to circumstances... and to be honest I don't mind being the one to go over there... but this may just be me... I sort of like doing the running (most of the time) I like doing things for him, and for us... of course now and again it gets REALLY irritating, but part of me sort of likes doing it, kind of makes me feel independent and some strang sort of thing of when he's happy I'm happy... that and I know that if I ever do ask him to do something 99% of the time it will be done... though there is some possibly unhealthy thing in there of it making me feel worthy too... but we'll ignore that lol
speak to your mum, explain that you need to speak to him dace to face to sort things, and that new year is the only chance that you'll have... then when you're there try to explain everything you've said here, explain that you can't always be the one doing the running, that he need to do things now and again and to actually show that he cares... because knowing sometimes isn't enough, sometimes proof is needed...
Quote:
you can't make someone develop and change.
unfortuantly this is very true... people will change, but they have to want to do it theirselves...
one posssibly extreme idea, is that maybe you could agree to have no contact from new year till you're back at uni? I know that sounds extreme and hard... but it will give you a chance to asses things, and maybe him a chance to appreciate you more...
There are times when I don't mind doing the running - I quite appreciate having a break from my family. But it feels like he just assumes that I'm going to do it and that he doesnt have to put any effort in. I just want him to realise that if he doesnt put some effort in, if he doesn't do something for me for a change, then there is a very real possibility that he's going to lose me.
I am very aware of the fact that there's a lot about our relationship that my mum doesn't know about so I'm taking everything she says with a pinch of salt. Part of me wishes that I could explain everything to her, just so she could understand it properly. At least then she would be able to give me real relevant advice. But I don't want her to be that involved in our relationship to be honest. There are things that have happened between us that I don't want her to know about. Which I think is perfectly alright as I'm now 21 and trying to have an adult relationship.
I was actually thinking of suggesting that we agree to not have any contact until we're back at uni. But I think it would be me who loses out really. He seems to find it quite easy to just not have any contact with me for days and days, so it wouldn't really make any difference to him. I don't know though, I might suggest it, just to see what he says. I might just refuse to text or call him, wait to see how long it takes him to contact me.
I'm going over tomorrow night. He thinks I'm staying the night (I've told him that we aren't going to drink, go out or have sex until we've sorted this out). My parents are expecting me to only be there for a couple of hours. I'm keeping it as an open-ended plan. There are trains running through the night so I know that I can leave his at any point and get home. If it takes an hour, I'll come home after that. If it takes all night, I'll come home in the morning.
So, wish me luck. Thank you all so much for your replies. I'll keep you updated.
7th July 2007
Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have isn't permanent. (Jean Kerr)
Went over, we chatted for hours. Ended up having a glass of wine with his parents (had planned to make a point of not drinking but didn't want to have to say to his parents "sorry I can't, I need to go and rip your son to shreds!") which actually worked out quite well because it meant I was uninhibited enough to tell Sean exactly what I've been thinking.
He hadn't realised how much he'd upset me, he's been under a lot of stress so couldn't get out of his own head and consider the situation from someone else's point of view. It wasn't until I told him about crying on my Mum's shoulder for 3 days, my brother agreeing to beat him up for me (aw, isn't my bro lovely! Lol!), and the possibility that I was going to go over on Weds to break up with him. Basically, he hadn't thought about it, had just assumed that it was all going to turn out alright and I was just 'normal' upset, not that I was upset/annoyed enough to actually break up with him.
I ended up staying the night. Partly because I didn't want to spend New Years on my own on a train in the middle of London, but mainly so I could make a point of not having sex with him, etc. I figured that if I went over and we spoke, there was a possibility he would just assume that it was over, dealt with and would never be spoken of again. If I stayed and makde a point of not having sex, of keeping my distance and being cold with him, he would realise how serious this actually was.
I didn't give him an easy time - not by far. I shouted (which is a bit strange for me, I don't normally confront people at all, let alone shout at them!), he cried (pretty empowering in a weird way, lol!) and I kept making comments. We talked for hours, then the conversation died down a little, then he'd make a comment which would remind me of something else I'd wanted to talk to him about. He didn't seem to realise that there is a very real possibility that I'm just gonna walk away from him if he doesn't do something about it. And I know you can't change another person, they have to want to change. I'm just hoping that this is going to make him want to change.
My parents weren't happy. My mum started going on at me about just giving in and forgiving him. It doesn't feel like I've just given in. I've made it very clear to him that if anything even similar happens again I'm not going to give him a chance to explain, I'm not going to give him another chance. This is it now. He's walking a knife edge and if he messes up again I'm just going to leave him.
I'm making a conscious effort to not contact him at all, I'm waiting for him. This is his chance to really prove that everything he said that night is true, not just things he said to stop me having a go at him. Even when we get back to uni there are going to be serious changes in the way our relationship works. We've got into such a routine that it just feels comfortable, just feels like there's no other way we could be. I'm gonna make him put in a lot more effort to see me rather than just coming over at 1 in the morning so we can go to bed together. Similarly, I'm going to make some changes in what I do. Nothing as big as what I'm expecting him to do, just enough that it's both of us trying to make things better. It would be hypocritical of me to tell him to change when I have my faults as well.
This is his (our) last chance to make it work and I don't want to lose him because I care about him so much. But he now knows that I can't keep putting myself through this. I can't consciously choose to stay with him when he's going to keep doing this to me.
Thank you all for listening to my ramblings and for your replies. I'll let you know how things go from here.
7th July 2007
Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have isn't permanent. (Jean Kerr)
I'm really happy for you hun, well done for staying strong and confronting him!! Hopefully your Mum will see that you went there to put your foot down, and will be happier for you. Especially if she notices the changes.
I hope your boyfriend does make some changes and that you feel you're more on an equal footing again. Sometimes they just need a kick up the arse to realise when they are in the wrong!
Good luck with the new term at Uni, and I hope things work out really well for you. x
Play the game out
Amor Vincit Omnia
Dad 10/11/2008 Always our sunshine, I'm still playing for the town hall clock
Very good for you for not letting him walk all over you!
Have you ever considered relationship counseling? It sounds like he went from being very inexperienced socially and romantically to more of the typical young adult in quite a short time. He may have missed several developments and understandings about social situations. While he can learn a lot from you showing him and putting your foot down, a counseling situation where both of you were talking to someone with relationship expertise might be a little less painless and might put things into perspective and allow both of you to express things you normally wouldn't on a regular basis... like you said you care about him and maybe if you put forward the idea that while this is serious you do want to save the relationship if possible, he'll get the idea that you love him but that you aren't going to just put up with anything. And he might learn a lot that he didn't know. Just a suggestion. Hope it all works out...
hi, i've just read all your posts, sounds quite similar to what me and my now ex went thru! tho i let him walk all over me, treat me like ****, and me do all the running for 6 years!
just wanted to say go you! well done for standing up for yourself, and going for the changes! its hard, but it is quite empowering. i hope he steps up. mine didnt, but i think i left it way too long to change anything.
i think the cant be ****ed attitude, can often have something to do with being stoned, i dont know how much your guy smokes, but mine was constantly stoned.
so really hope it works out for the best. and well done for standing up for yourself i think thats a really hard thing to do, so well done! xxx
I was talking to my housemate about this today and came to the conclusion that the time between New Years eve and the end of the first week of term is being Sean's trial period. He's had a week, and just at the point where I started thinking that maybe nothing was going to change, he called me. And he said that he was worried that maybe I'd reconsidered my decision to stay with him since I'd had time to think about it.
This is so difficult. I feel so different from one day to the next, even from one hour to the next. There are moments when I think that I can't put myself through all this forever, that maybe it would be easier just to end it now. There are moments when I want nothing more than to be next to him right now. I love him, I really do. But I hate the way he makes me feel sometimes.
Kija, yes he smokes, but so do I so I can't really complain about that. He's smoking less than he used to, but he's drinking more (not like he's got a problem, but he will have at least a couple of beers every night) and I'm not really a big drinker so we're on different wavelengths a lot of the time which doesn't help at all.
7th July 2007
Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have isn't permanent. (Jean Kerr)
i used to smoke alot but had to stop for numerous reasons really except for the odd one now and then! but all the guys i've seen who smoked had the i cant be f*cked attitude! so that could just be me drawing lines! the different wavelengths is hard.
your doing really well with all the up and downess that comes with all this type of thing. a trial period is a good idea, i gave my ex an ultimatum and a time limit to do whatever in. change is hard, and can take a bit of time, dont wait for ever, but its worth a shot trying and waiting some time. i think if you dont have a trial period you end up kicking yourself in the end.
hope he does buck up. glad that he rang you even if he was a bit slow.
totally different subject - your in canterbury! wow, thats where i did most of my growing up! dont live far from there now! random sorry!
yeah i used to smoke too and i could def see it doing that to you...
i figure smoking is like drinking, right or wrong in general, you shouldn't do it if you're gonna hurt others physically OR emotionally while on it. if he's going to be rude and hurtful to you while smoking, he should make sure he has no contact with you while smoking, even if that means he gives someone else his phone before getting high. if you think he's only acting like this cause he's stoned, talk to him about it. it's really no excuse for being a jerk cause he's the one who put it in his body. Explain that if he cares enough he'll take the measures necessary to make sure his smoking (and drinking) doesn't affect you. And since you're not into drinking, while he drinks, he shouldn't ignore you for it. This is kinda a lame example but maybe the same... my boyfriend loves world of warcraft. i have no interest. he can play it, i don't care. but he can't hang out with me less, ignore his responsibilities, not go shopping for food when we need to cause either he's playing WoW or he didn't get something else done playing WoW. And my bf doesn't drink either. But I do. So I wouldn't drink if I thought it was going to inconvience him or ignore him so I could drink. It's about priorities. You guys should both be much higher on each other's priority list than drinking, smoking, or any other fun type thing you do. So maybe see if he's willing to check his smoking enough to make sure you aren't getting blown off and then decide by his reaction whether he is trying to make this work or not???
