not sure if im entitled to be here really

[tisme]

um... i just typed a really long post that got deleted when i pressed backspace

so this isnt as much detail

basically when i was 13/14 i fell in with a bad crowd.at the centre of this crowd was a much older woman (about 10-15yrsolder than us) we all worshiped her and planned a 'sleepover' at her house. she also invited some male friends who we late 20s early 30s. we were all getting off to sleep in her living room when i felt a hand on my leg. i knew it was one of these men but he whispered in my ear that i was beautiful blah blah so i let him touch me. i know that sounds really pathetic now but i was young. not exactly attractive and desperate to be in the 'cool' gang

i didnt tell anyone about what happened but felt a bit smug that an older man would be interested in me. until i found out he had done the same to another girl and she had called the police. i still didnt tell anyone.

after this i think i was determined to prove that it wasnt abuse but that i was really grown up and attractive to men. which is why i willunderstand if im not welcome here as i do feel the issues i have in my mind,i have brought on myself

[tisme]

after this i was introuduced (thorugh the same older woman) to a man who was 28 and in the army. he was 'back'for 2 weeks and we instantly hit it off. those 2 weeks seemed like months he had a motorbike and took me to the cinema in the next town it was such an adventure.i was still 14. he asked me how old i was i said 18(i did look older im sure) but eventually i told him. he was cross but we still slept together after he knew this. he gave me his address when he left but took all the photobooth pics of him i had off me.

i wrote to him, he never replied.

[tisme]

after that i met another older man who was 27 when i was 15 we were together for 2 yrs almost until i left

since then i have always liked older men. i am 26 now and married to a fantastic man who is 12 yrs older than me.

im not sure why i am writing this. i suppose i want someone to tell me just to get over the bad descisions i made when i was younger and that any issues i have withsex now are not related to being promiscuous at a young age

[shadow-light]

never think that you are not entitled to be/post here... the exact details of our expiriances is not what determines that, it's how we feel about them and how they have affected us that does

it sort of makes sense that the event when you were younger could have influenced your decisions since, as you said yourself you were trying to justify it, trying to prove it was you being attractive to older men rather than someone doing something wrong to you.
it also makes sense that your sex life will have been affected by past events


you are perfectly justified in posting here. especially if it helps you

[tisme]

thanks

i need to figure out if the first incident is a trigger for following things ive done or if im trying to use it as an excuse for everything not being perfect now

[Sigma]

the experiences we have do affect the choices we made... it seems that you feel as if you're struggling with things in your life now? and that you're having trouble working out why this is and what you can do about it?

If this isn't the case I'm sorry - I am making lots of assumptions! But if that is the case perhaps it would help to talk things through. Is there anyone you can talk to about it, a counsellor perhaps? Soemone who can help you make sense of it all.

[shadow-light]

i guess the only way to figure that out really is to go through it all, talk to someone about it or write down all you remember how you felt and how you now feel... or as tokoloshe said, if you have a counciller talk it through with them