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Old 08-06-2008, 06:50 PM   #1
shadow-light
He was no dragon. Fire cannot kill a dragon
 
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fear of being alone

I have already asked about this in general support, but I’m still fretting an unbelievable amount and thought you people may have some other advice/ideas to what I’ve already heard.
Basically from this friday until monday (as in the 13th to 16th) I am going to be alone... my boyfriend is going away to visit his family (we live together) and I am going to be alone in our flat... For some reason just about everyone seem to have chosen this week to family visit or to go away for work... as such I really am going to be alone...

now I REALLY don't cope well alone... I mean SERIOUSLY don't cope well... I'm not really sure why... so I need ideas, help, advice, something to get me through this weekend... I know it may sound pathetic but I really need help here... I have no internet in my flat (well I do sometimes when I steal the libraries wifi) so I can't even come on here and speak to people... I just really don't know what to do... I'm so bad at being alone... I get scared and insecure and stuff... and seem to loose motivation to do anything...
I don't know... it's a problem which I have to deal with... just not sure I want to deal with it just yet. I’m so scared… I’ve been dreading it all so much…

I really have been getting better, trying SO hard… this is the only really serious problem I still have, everythingelse is ok 90% of the time, but when I’m alone it all comes back and I end up as I was a year ago all over again…
This is also causing arguments/stress to our relationship, he feels I’m being “possessive” and preventing him from doing things. I’ve tried to tell him I’m trying but he’s starting to doubt it :(

He’s told me that he won’t stay around forever if I can’t change, We’ve been together almost 2 years now, and I have been trying so hard for that time to get better… until recently he was been FANTASTIC about it all, but I think I’m starting to wear him down… I’ve been told that every time I have a episode he’s finding it all harder and harder… the other problem is on days when I get very down I get worse if we are apart and his being with me while I’m like that gets him down too, which usually ends in an argument…
I love him SO much…
The following content has been hidden - Reason : mentions abuse
he’s the first person I have felt safe with since my abuse (and rape) for a start, the first person I haven't secretly feared or felt on edge whenever I was near. The first male I have been able to have physical contact with since then in fact
I feel safe, secure and even confident when he’s around… I guess it’s the fear of loosing that feeling that gets me so het up about being alone? I’m really not sure…


sorry about the patheticness.... just thought someone here may have a similar issue or know how to deal with it productively rather than negatively as I usually do

I just wish I knew why I find being alone so difficult... maybe then I could find a way to get over it... I mean it's almost a week away, but I'm probably going to spend all week crying and being depressed dreading it... once he's gone it's never as bad as i fear... I have difficulty with 4 hours when he goes out on a monday night (which he does most weeks) so how will I cope with 4 days? It's almost a week away,yet I just want to sit here and cry... maybe the dreading will be worse than the actual event?

I just don't know what to do...


:c rying::cry ing::cryin g:


Last edited by shadow-light : 09-06-2008 at 10:41 AM.
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Old 08-06-2008, 07:56 PM   #2
l'il esky
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ah sweetie *squishes u*

could you try planning different things for each day? like....... monday: choose your fave film to watch + a takeaway, tue: go clothes shopping during the day and then in the evening spend hours trying them on, wed: take yourself somewhere to have a massage etc

i know all of those involve money but just an example, maybe if you really try to stucture your wk you wont have so much "spare" time to worry about being alone! i live by myself so i know the alone-ness feeling but try not to panic.... YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!

dont panic too much re your bf it may be good for you to have this little time apart, it is hard for partners to understand what we'r going through but he clearly loves you loads!!

take care chick pea xxxx



this pic is so i can always remember jen who was my l'il sock monkey friend who has left ryl and i miss her!!!
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Old 08-06-2008, 10:45 PM   #3
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it shouldn't be this hard... people should be able to be alone... people should be able to cope alone without curling up in a ball crying or SIing... and it's so hard to explainto people... i guess the ability to cope alone is something people take for granted and can't imagine not having... I don't know...

thanks for the reply... i'm going to try to plan out the days and force myself to do stuff.


what really makes it bad is that i can't seem to sleep if i'm home alone... just can't... so i end up tired, which i guess makes it all worse and maybe why i end up unable to cope...

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Old 09-06-2008, 01:52 AM   #4
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Hi there, I am so sorry I only just saw your post and the weekend is nearly over. I thought i would see how you are doing? It can be very hard being on your own, maybe try and make a list of lots of things you could do around the house - little chores - something creative etc and work your way though it - time passes far quicker when you are busy. and dont forget at the end of the weekend when your boyfriend is back and you have managed to get through the weekend congratulate yourself - you did it - all by your self.
xxx



Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of it’s ending – is there a chance it could ever turn real?

My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*


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Old 09-06-2008, 02:45 AM   #5
blondiebear
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I can't imagine coping if my husband went away. I think structure is a good idea. If anyone you trust will be in town, make plans to check in with them once or twice a day.

I think the anticipation will be worse than the actual event.



My husband is my best friend.

In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.

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Old 09-06-2008, 10:43 AM   #6
shadow-light
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blondiebear View Post
I think the anticipation will be worse than the actual event.
I think you may be right there... But I don't want to have to be panicking about it all the way till friday... and then the weekends itself...

and it's inevitable I guess that I will have to spend time alone in future... so it's something I really need to sort out... I just don't know how :(

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Old 09-06-2008, 07:43 PM   #7
Bitter_Angel
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Maybe have some back up plans. Spend as much time out the house during the day as you can, defintley stay busy. Perhaps as you said go to the library and spend a lot of time there.
While at home do things to make the time go quicker, lots of films or maybe a good book to get lost in. Long soaks in the bath.
Maybe you could give yourself a project to do while he is away, something like decorating works well as it takes a lot of time. I know i have previously decorated the bathroom and painted fish on the wall and such to make time go quicker.
Also have people you can call if things get rough. Even the likes of the smartains can be helpful.
You can do this, you just need to put a little more faith in yourself.

Good luck with it
Kim




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Old 09-06-2008, 11:37 PM   #8
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we rent our flat so can't really decorate...


what makes it worse is that this weekend I'm visiting my parents and he's visiting his mum (visiting his dad next week), we both go back home tomorrow, so we'll be together 2 days then he's leaving again :(

god i'm being pathetic

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Old 10-06-2008, 12:53 AM   #9
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I feel so bad right now... I don't even know why...


just want to curl up and cry

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Old 10-06-2008, 08:44 AM   #10
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Aww hun, you're not being pathetic. Is there another project you could give yourself while he's away? Maybe something you could make or paint or something, to keep yourself busy. *hugs*



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Old 10-06-2008, 09:11 AM   #11
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I don't know... I'll think of something... I will...


but I am being pathetic... I mean everyone has to be alone at some time... everyone...

I'm just so scared :( and I'm not even totally sure what of

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Old 10-06-2008, 09:22 AM   #12
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Maybe if you can figure out what's making you scared you might be able to find a way to worry less about it. But don't worry if you can't find a reason, everyone has fears and there's not always an explanation for them



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Old 10-06-2008, 09:37 AM   #13
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I wish I knew... my boyfriend seems to think I do know but just won't tell him... but that's not true, I honestly really am not sure why I get so scared and down and stuff when alone...

I guess the obvious answer would be that I have suffered abuse in the past... but I'm not sure that's solely to blame... and I really need to stop blaming that and HIM for everything...

I just don't feel safe when alone... I feel scared... I start having thoughts and almost visions of people not returning... start thinking that now the person has had some time without me they've realised that they are better off that way and so won't come back... or that something will happen to them... I have to lock the door and can't leave out of fear... I can't have a shower when no-ones in myflat as I'll have to be naked and I start thinking someone may break in or something... I have issues eating when alone (I don't think I have an ED, just can't eat if no-one else is as start to feel guilty :/ )...


I hate the way I am

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Old 10-06-2008, 09:48 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow-light View Post
start thinking that now the person has had some time without me they've realised that they are better off that way and so won't come back... or that something will happen to them...

I know this feeling *hug*

Do you have a counsellor or a therapist or anyone you could talk to about this? They might be able to give you some coping methods for when you start to get scared when you're alone. Or you might be able to look something up online.

I get down when I'm alone too, I think part of it is that when you're alone you have so much more time to think, which is why it's best to try to keep busy. Could you and your boyfriend do something special for the two days you have together this week? Maybe you could have a nice meal together or snuggle up and watch a film or something? Just something nice before you're apart again.



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Old 10-06-2008, 09:55 AM   #15
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I sort of have a counciller... thing is my appointment seem very haphazard... they are meant to be once a month but they never are... I think I'm going to ask to see a different one to be honest... as it is right now all we do is both sit in silence with heer waiting for me to speak but giving me no direction/prodding (which I need at times)

I'm back home tonight (as is he) so maybe I'll try speaking to him about it all... maybe if he reasures me that he is coming back and nothing is going to happen I may not get quiet as paranoid? I don't know... I don't like talking to him about it as I keep thinking that I'm either being a pain/stupid or that he'll decide I'm too much hassle and leave :( but I guess in a way not talking to him is more likely to cause this as he gets frustrated with me or thinks I don't trust him and I'm hiding things... It's not like I don't want to open up... just half the time I either get scared of being a nusence/scaring him off or I honestly just don't know what's wrong/causing it...

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Old 10-06-2008, 12:25 PM   #16
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Sounds like you do need a different counciller - as it cant be doing you much good sitting in silence each time - try and get that sorted as soon as you can then hopefully you will be able to start working through some of your thoughts and fears.
I think you should tell your boyfriend as much as you can about how you feel - the more open you can be with him the more he will be able to understand and the more opportunity he will have to try and help and re-assure you. He must be feeling a bit confused not knowing and so you both end up being careful around each other which in itself can lead to a feeling of uneasiness. Try and sit down with him tonight and have a really good heart to heart chat - tell him you're not sure why you get these feelings, but that you really do want to try and work through them. I know it's gonna be hard but i really think you can do it and I wish you the strength you need to get through.



Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of it’s ending – is there a chance it could ever turn real?

My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*


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Old 11-06-2008, 08:42 AM   #17
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I think that if your boyfriend knows what you're going through he will be more understanding, and might make more of an effort to check in with you regularly and let you know everything is okay.

Your counsellor sounds crappy, I think you should ask for a different one if you don't talk to each other :S

Hope you enjoy your time with your bouyfriend :)



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Old 11-06-2008, 02:07 PM   #18
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it's now until tuesday he got his plane tickets and it's friday to tuesday he's appologised like a million times and it's not his fault but stil

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Old 11-06-2008, 08:03 PM   #19
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*gives you a hug*
Take this time and treat yourself to something he doesn't like. My husband despises the smell of my favorite soup so I eat it at lunch when he is gone. He loves my hair but thinks accessory stores are boring so that is something I do too.

I'll be around this weekend, doing housework and stuff, so PM me if you want to talk.

*gives you another hug*



My husband is my best friend.

In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.

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Old 12-06-2008, 01:41 PM   #20
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thankyou all for all the replies... I'm a little better now... we had a talk about it all this morning... I'm still dreading it more than anything ever, but I feel a little more confident that I can cope now...

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