Triggering (SI) - Um...I'm a freak.

Seraphsigh · 02-01-2008, 09:18 PM

I've been SI-free for two weeks. Big deal for me, recently. Thing is, I don't feel like I ever consciously started quitting. I know this is going to sound really weird, but I really want to cut right now, because I never got to properly say goodbye! Oy, rediculousness. I'm not even upset or depressed. Oh well, the more I type on here, the more my hands keep busy. Thanks for listening. :0

xoxoxoxo

shadow-light · 02-01-2008, 09:25 PM

you're not a freak... i actually sort of understand what you mean... when somethings a big part of your life and just stops it sort of feels like an anti-climax as it more of a big deal should have been made of it's end/last occurance...
not sure where i'm going with this nor that i actually have any advice... just wanted to say you're not a freak

Mimsy · 02-01-2008, 09:30 PM

Nope, not a freak. I had to do it before I gave up, and I'm a whole year free now. For me, it had been such a huge part of my life and it fizzling out wasnt an option, i needed that end to it.. if that makes sense.
Youre not alone in this xxx

Tears of Solitude · 02-01-2008, 09:34 PM

Well done for 2 weeks, and your not a freak.

Cutting was a big part of your life and there is nothing that can fill the gap when you first give up.

I have been cut free for over 18 months and I still get the odd urge to do it. I kept myself busy by having a friends from here, and being honest how I felt.

If you feel the urge again, keep posting. We are all here to hold your hand through this. Look forward to see more posts from you.

Jade xxx

Seraphsigh · 03-01-2008, 12:58 AM

Thanks! Posting here is good therapy. Still no SI for me! yay!

blondiebear · 03-01-2008, 02:10 AM

I sure didn't know that the last time I SId was going to be the last. I'd even given myself permission to do so until one year anniversary of when I started again after three years without. I don't know if I've done it for the last time.

I still have thoughts about it. I have a design in mind that represents my years of self harm and thought about scarifying or tattooing it but it was a radical thing for me to have my ears pierced a second time. I have the supplies to try and see if I can work out the design in a bracelet.

Keep up the good work!

Seraphsigh · 03-01-2008, 05:19 AM

Eh, ****. I totally blew it.
But okay, that's my last one. This is worse than quitting drugs. At least then I still had cigarettes and booze and cutting. Now I have booze. When I quit that how loud will I have to yell to get it all to stop?
I even have too much guilt to die. Trapped, ****ing trapped.
I have no right to be this way.
Ugh, ignore me. I just have to type this so I don't do anything stupid. I know that I can't foresee an end but the end will come and that where negatives are prevalent there are separate but equal positives, but sometimes I just want to run and jump over bridges and fall into space.
Sorry. Okay I'm going now.

Seraphsigh · 03-01-2008, 05:20 AM

Oh, and you should totally have it tattooed.

blondiebear · 03-01-2008, 02:09 PM

My skin is too sensitive to think I could tolerate the tattoo process.

If I do decide my brother said he'd take me. I'm still going to try to see if I can express things in a bead design. If that doesn't work there is bake-able clay that is used for beads. My brother has been wanting to play with that so that can be my next experiment.

Drinking or not, SIing or not that pain in the tail committee will still be there. What you do is learn to ignore it and focus on the good stuff. Someone I know once described the committee as a drunk woman in the gutter with a microphone. Some days all I can do is turn off the mic. Other days I use music or an inspirational speaker to drown out the voice.

Don't be hard on yourself for messing up. Figure out what triggered it and see if you can find a different way to react. One of my friends says to throw ice. I've heard in here just to hold ice, the strong sensation will help ground you.

It's been my experience that once I SI, I'm too close to a drink. I don't want to give up 13 years of sobriety. I want to continue to build and learn. To me, drinking and SI are just temporary distractions for what's happening in my head.

Sorry if this sounds like a lecture. I have that MA in a scientifie field and I'm a teacher. Plus I woke up two hours before our alarm goes off because I had nightmares.

Be good to yourself! Feel free to PM me anytime you need to.
Hugs