Want to know if I'm a freak for thinking this? I was bullied throughout much of school by a number of people; I don't have friends right now, and have never had a relationship (this area was mentioned in the bullying, among others). I've had a rocky family relationship over the years too. Right now I'm signed off work, and not sure if I want to go back - I have no other job, plans or career path, so at 20 I'm stuck at home with no life or social life, and no hope of a future! I keep thinking about the bullying, even though it finished a few years ago, and at the time I considered it normal. Part of me almost wishes I was still being bullied, because then at least I would have a reason to be upset, and I could say the lack of job etc doesn't matter so much as I'm taken up with coping with a horrible situation. It would almost give me a purpose in life, to endure it. And I hate myself so much and feel so worthless that I feel like I deserve to be punished anyway. And then at least there would be sort of a 'well done for coping with this horrible stuff' as opposed to the fact that I'm doing nothing, going nowhere. Am I insane??
I have a split off alter ego/shadow 'personality'/mind that wants abuse and gives me abuse. That's all she knew, really. Living with 'her' is really hard.
I too was bullied by many people over many years. It leaves deep scars. I've never had a relationship either, and, despite having a job, I have no friends though I have a bit of minimal social life now, at least.
I don't think you're a freak, in fact I have posted similar things in the past and I still feel this way often. I can't offer much advice really, I think it takes time to fully adjust to the idea that your world then and your world now are diffierent and that although scary different isn't always a bad thing.
I must be a freak for being almost pleased you think I could be traumatised, like it's validation that yes you've been through a lot, not just overreacting and stupid.
Yeah, it's kind of like, what am I supposed to do, if not coping with bad things? It's like that was my purpose and I'm lost without it. And because I feel I deserve it, I doubly feel like I should have abuse. Because of having no career, life, friends, etc, I feel like a failure and a burden on my family, so I feel like I need to be punished for that; and for being unattractive, and for being a horrible person, etc.
I would like a relationship but again feel like who would want me? If I made friends I would think I'm annoying them by being around them and talking to them, and they're putting up with me. This is backed up at home actually, as I'm often asked to stop talking so people can watch tv, or I say something and get ignored. I'm always the one asked to help out - which I don't mind of course, but I would have thought it's more fair to ask others as well as me, and I feel like the attitude is I *should* help, immediately; when I've asked if I help enough I get told not really, people get annoyed if I don't do a job immediately, I'm asked to help someone out even if I'm in the middle of eating. The only way I can make sense of this is that I deserve nothing, I am bad.
Sorry I'm rambling. I really hate myself :(
Last edited by Poppers : 07-09-2012 at 11:02 PM.
Reason: rewording
