I've often thought I have strong OCD traits. They seemed to start after 2 burglaries within 3 months when I was 16. I started repeating the Lord's Prayer over and over [I'm not religious like that, at all, it just feels safe. I still do it now before a situation that might cause me aniety] as well as the more obvious obsession with checking locks and re security etc. And exacerbated by traumas that go on in the world [which stir up profound separation attachment etc anxieties] and my own early and later trauma stuff. I definitely have quite severe anxiety issues.
I just did an OCD screening test online [I know, I know..] and scored quite highly.
I'm gradually working through these things in my treatment. My 'control' issues are strong right now with the whole situation of uncertainty re my employment. Everything is making me anxious.
Um, I know you can't say 'Katie, you have OCD'. What am I asking? Um. To be taken seriously, I guess. Validation of my struggles.
Eek, yes I have issues with needing reassurance too, I'm sorry.
I know my obsessions are closely linked in with depressed mind and borderline mind.
Sorry for posting. Just, things feel out of control.
It is not unusual to develop rituals that can help us feel as though we have an element of controll in our life, where otherwise we may not - especially not after someting like a burgulary. There is also nothing wrong in reaching out for such controll when going through periods of intense stress and anxiety.
I think the issue here is when those things are done to an extent that they get in the way of normal day to day life. When it reaches the point of not being you gaining controll, but it gaining controll over you.
I am not a believer in online screening tests - to be honest, I have had instances where I have felt suicidal and had one come back to say I was not at all depressed and would be better once I had had some chocolate! I think the issue here is that you felt strongly enough about what is going on for you to seek the validation of those feelings through the online test. I wonder then, if this is something that needs voicing more in therapy - as it sounds like you are not quite sure. You may have been working through some "controll" issues, but have you raised the question of OCD and the burgularies in therapy? I think it would be worth doing so, as it could be that there is more that can be done there to help you work through these feelings.
I know it is not unusual for certain symptoms to become mroe prominent at times of stress, anxiety and tiredness - my psychosis side gets worse at such times, as does my anxiety. It may well be that this is what is happening here for you. Especially faced with a time that feels very much out of your controll.
Sadly, I am not sure what advice I can give, beyond taking things as they come and allowing yourself those feelings. To an extent they are expected feelings and natural ones. Do try not to beat yourself up over them. They are real and valid, and so are you. There is no need to apoligse for how you are feeling.
*safe hugs*
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Roiben - you have some important points. And, I actually came across the test randomly when reading other stuff. It's written by a psychiatrist, so is more reliable than some. It really confirmed what I know anyway.
startingagain - The thing is I have so many assorted problematic symptoms from so many different categories - trauma stuff, personality disorders [several of them], anxiety stuff - alongside the depression. And I am not making them up.
I'm not after the label. Just, it can be frightening feeling all at sea.
I would never manipulate my diagnosis. When I saw the psychiatrist I was convinced I would come away with a Borderline diagnosis, as I know that is very strong in me, and my therapist knows it, and therapist facilitators I came in contact with before then knew it. But no. [Unless they're not telling me.] It's possible someone else would see it differently, and perhaps so now more as I have more awareness and ability to articulate what's going on. I was so unwell at my original diagnosis that I probably missed a lot out that I now am conscious of and working to manage.
Can't you see that I want my anxiety to be taken seriously? I've been anxious in various ways consciously since I was 4, and more aware of from age 6. It peaks at times of transition, uncertainty and change, as Roiben touches on.
*sigh* I have depression issues, attachment issues, trauma and abuse survivor issues and big time anxiety issues. But I have a GP who recognises this [aside from the trauma, bleh] but says depression is simpler on paper. It doesn't make my mind simpler though...
I'm not unhappy with my depression diagnosis, it's just not [doesn't feel] comprehensive enough. I get people like you seem to be, at least as I felt it, disbelieving I have certain issues because I am not medically diagnosed with them on paper. It sucks, basically. Because my suffering is real. Yes, I'm working to manage it better, but it's still bloody real.
I was informally told I have 'depression and anxiety and panic attacks and other problems due to things that happened to you in the past'.
But formally it's Recurrent Depressive Disorder only. It doesn't add up to me. But what can I do? *shrugs* Nothing. Despite what you say. My GP would never refer me back unless I became more severely unwell. I've said that before. And much as part of me would like to let go into breakdown right now, I'm not letting it take me there.
Sometimes practicality isn't the bias that's needed.
Sure, on some level.
But that's not what I need right now.
I am uncomfortable with your responses, so I appreciate your respecting that.
im a bit confused following this thread, as you seem to be replying to posts that have been deleted, so apologies if i repeat stuff thats already been mentioned.
i don't know what test you took, but if you are insistent on taking an online test... YBOCS (Yale-Brown Obsessive Compulsive Scale, which has two parts) is the one that is used officially, at least in the US. its pretty simple but like any other, you have to be honest, not inflate or deflate the answers. but still, i think its a much better idea to bring the possibility up with a professional rather than doing it on your own.
what do you want out of another diagnosis? if its recognition from people outside the mental health world... from experience, they know little to nothing (accurate) about OCD. for me its a long explanation most of the time, often easier to just give up and shrug.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
There were some responses that were way off my wavelength. I can see how people might see that I'm one of those annoying people who self diagnose. But they're missing the facts - I'm 41, educated, and very self aware.
I also have had a number of mixed symptoms for most of my life. They were never recognised as anything more than 'shyness' by my family and teachers, as they had no knowledge of attachment disorder&etc. That's how it was in the 70s and towards the 80s. Now, as I read various symptom criteria, I can relate to things from many. As many people can, true. But they are a little more intense than 'the norm'. But perhaps not intense enough to meet a separate diagnosis. Therein lies the frustration and disappointment. 'Depression plus sprinklies' is fine with people who know me, but it's hardly medically verifiable! I have depression and a bit of this and a bit of that, a bit of intense trauma stuff, a lot of Borderline and Avoidant, a sprinkling of each of the other personality disorders [as we all do, just sometimes they interfere with my relationships more than 'the norm'], a lot of anxiety of all kinds....
I know I've said similar before, but as I deepen in self awareness, especially understanding myself as I go through intense stress, I know more about what I'm really dealing with - as per the meaning of my sig, acceptance of myself so that I can more honestly start to change how I manage things.
That's the test I did. :)
Particularly these things stood out for me -
worrying about terrible things happening
examining my body for signs of illness
spreading illness
losing something valuable
avoiding certain numbers
need for 'confession' and reassurance
Basically defences that attempt to manage my deep feelings of insecurity.
As you've commented on my deleted posts I'd just like to make it clear to people that I related to my own situation that labels aren't important it is the treatment that you recieve and that if you are concerned that your label is not sufficient that you should ask to see a psychiatrist.
I deleted them as you said you didn't want practical advice. I am also older and highly educated and so tend to see practical support as more valuable than lots of hugs. I won't apologise for that.
I don't want to sort my life [well, not in that sense], more I want to be with my life. Subtle difference.
And yes, I would prefer a bit of empathy and recognition for what I'm experiencing.
I'm not communicating myself very well. I don't want a doctor to say I have OCD. I have obsessive and compulsive symptoms that interfere with my relationships and sense of wellbeing, and are part of a complex of defences and insecurities about feeling safe, wanted, loved, accepted, not abandoned, the whole package.
I see a middle place between practical advice and 'hugs'. It's being interested in the person who's posting's experience, empathy, finding out more about the person who's posting's experience so they can understand themselves better.
To be honest, I experience 'get referred to the psychiatrist' patronising. My treatment is sufficient, except I have a few gripes with how I am classed medically on paper.
Yes, I did the other bit, the effect on my life [yes?] and it was mostly 'moderate', which it is right now, as I'm feeling very insecure, but it does vary.
i didn't mean to be patronising, and am really sorry it came across that way. i guess i don't quite understand what exactly you want in a reply. and i know that you're describing it, i just don't know how to respond in a way that is what you would like.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
What I most want is for someone to listen and understand and help me feel less alone with my insecurities and the sometimes desperate attempts to relieve them albeit momentarily.
A generic 'see a psychiatrist' as startingagain is advocating may be helpful to some in a similar situation, but for me it doesn't make me feel supported or heard here. And whilst I may not be communicating that very well, it is important that I say it.
There is more to living with a complex symptom than the treatment and diagnosis. Does that make sense?
I guess I'm not really sure what you want. You tell us things and we can either say 'I'm sorry to hear that, hope you feel stronger soon' or advocate more intense professional support. I"m not sure what that middle ground you're after would involve.
To know if anyone else feels similar insecurities, and where they came from. What helps them.
Listening. Helping me to articulate what's really going on.
Sorry, my head is alternately clear and as muddled as muddled. I've a stressful week coming up, PMS, and the prospect of a month with very little professional support at the same time as intense upheaval of one form or another at work.
I'm not sure why you feel it is patronising for me to suggest that you see a psychiatrist if you are concerned about your MH? Surely that is better than an online assessment and I also thought it was one of the rules to not encourage self diagnosis?
What I need people to understand. The stuff I say about OCD is a MASK, a cover, some kind of screening protection. What they call a 'stalking horse', a diversion, from the overwhelming at times feelings of intense insecurity that I am feeling right now.
I have always had this insecurity. Just, I had more concrete defences against really feeling it. And now I feel it. It's real. It comes from my life. It's not healthy, but it's not to be pathologised either.
I am having appropriate treatment for this. I have a therapist who understands and is helping me. I have a GP who is aware. I have managers who're supportive at work.
Child mind and her 'protector' in me cannot comprehend how these insecurities lay hidden and unseen in me, and not compassionately witnessed, until now. That is why 'she/they' agitate for a complete diagnosis. That is how 'they' see acknowledgement. Especially on a forum such as this where the most ill people get the most attention.
Heck, I even hid the true pain of what I experienced with the first counsellor I ever saw, so much so that she didn't even believe I was stressed, despite the fact that I so clearly was from all the symptoms and struggles I was experiencing but didn't talk about. It was the teacher's counselling service after all. I got good at hiding things.
Until recently in therapy. Now I talk. From all parts of me.
I could not talk about the bullying to anyone, back then.
And the situation for me at work, I cannot talk about with anyone apart from a selected few, certainly not my colleagues.
Having to hide stuff, well, it touches on these old defences.
And concerns re my future, and not knowing if I've taken the best steps for me, and everything, well, that stirs up profound insecurities.
I feel so alone.
I realise I am pushing people away. But I am scared of people coming close, of then being repelled by how raw my insecurity is. I'm scared of that.
And if I peel back this insecurity state, what if there's nothing left inside of me, that I'm empty, a hollow shell of nothing?
this thread has ended up a bit all over the place... If I understand correctly what you are looking for is a human conection, or a feeling that you are not alone?
Really I can't suggest anything practical anyway, you are seeing professionals, your work is aware and you are a very self-aware person so I'm not sure what I even could suggest.
I have difficulties with relationships too that stem from insecurities, I think with me they come froma fear of being hurt or abandoned by anyone I get close to. It can really make friendships and relationships hard, I honestly have no idea sometime how my partner puts up with me as I will purposely do things to push him away (as convinced he'll leve anyway so try to make it on my terms) and then regret my actions an hour later and end up becomes rediculasly needy and appologetic for a while.
I can also understand the "why can noone see how much I am struggling" feeling... But I guess people in general don't see the signs as they do not know what they are, and maybe we are just too good at hiding the issues - again I theorise that this is a defence mechanism to avoid signs of "weakness" or to avoid "bothering people" or something
Also I am sure that there is something below the intense insecurity, it may be all that they know/can feel right now but that doesn't mean that that's all there is
