I'm so ashamed to admit this but i really need some perspective.....
I have written about this problem before..... But i need some advice and perspective again.
I have a spending problem ( to put it lightly....). I have had this problem since i was 22 ( iturn 30 later this year). So that is roughly 8 years.
I spend too much. I buy things because i am addicted to the whole process about beying new stuff and "spoiling" myself. This wouldn't be a problem if i had any control, but i don't. I don't have control. I spend more than goes into my account each week. I have a problem each month of paying my bills and assuring there's enough money for rent.
I don't buy expensive things but with the amount of cheap stuff i keep buying it all adds up in the end. My problem is that it's never enough. I keep saying to myself that i'll just buy *this* bag or *that* necklace and then i won't buy anything else for myself fro the next few weeks. This never works out. I always end up getting a kind of withdrawals and rush out a few days later to buy the next thing. There is always something i want. It never stops. And i obsses until i get what i want.
Friday i start planning what i'm gonna buy on monday when my retirement goes in. I almost get a high from planning what to buy and then the subsequent kick when i actually buy it. If i don't buy stuff for myself i become restless and depressed.
I really, really need some help. This goes beyond normal retail therapy. This is sick. This is NOT normal. I cannot even begin to count how many thousand bugs my parents have put into me the past 8 years. To help me pay bills, rent and overdrafts. And my parents shouldn't spend their hard earned money to help me out because i'm an idiot. For ****s sake i am almost 30 years old. This is so ****ing embaressing. But i just don't know what to do. I REALLY don't know what to do.
I know this is an addiction of some kind. I just don't know how to get help. I found out that a treatment center in my city does a treatment course for shopaholics but it costs 20000 bugs and i really don't think my bank is gonna loan me anymore money. Plus my mum has become furious every time i have mentioned it.
But i need help. My mum has said that from now on she is gonna check my accounts every sunday to ensure that i pay the things that need to be paid. And to ensure i pay back an overdraft i just got today. I am just not sure if it's help enough. I need to somehow "wire" things differently in my head. I am battling an alcohol addiction at the moment but my spending addiction almost causes me even more grief. MY body is in constant stress mode from worrying over money. I lie awake at night, scared that i won't be able to pay my rent. And even so i always run out and buy stuff as soon as i can. I haven't managed to save up ANYTHING for the past 8 years.
I feel so ****ing bad about this. I feel like such a failure. Nothing have helped so far. I feel like i'm a lesser person because i can't control my finances. I feel so bad about always having my parents bail me out. I feel like a burden to them. And i am.
And even so, when the need to buy stuff sets in then reason goes out the window.
I just need some perspective and some advice because i am really at a loss for what to do. I honestly don't know how to get it under control. I feel so embarresed to admit how much i suck at this. I think it's almost an illness of some sort. I am desperate. I don't want to live like this any longer. It has been going on for 8 years. I hate this kind of life. But i feel so powerless because i make all these plans to change it but when the need to buy crops up again i forget about all my intentions.....
I know it may not be much help, but when I find the need to spend, I make sure I take a minimal amount out of the bank, ya know for food and stuff, and dont take my cards with me. That way I cant over spend.
SERENITY is my RYL mum.
SOLO is my RYL auntie.
SEFKA is my RYL daughter.
DAYS GONE BYE is my RYL sister.
JEFFERSON.MERIWETHER is my RYL son.
OLINESS is my RYL son.
You could put the money that you need to pay bills on the side when your retirement comes in. Then only use the money that's 'left' to buy things. This way you wont spend more than you are getting.
I would practice that for a few weeks and then start to put a bit more on the side than you need to pay bills. That way you can safe up.
You could reward yourself for saving a certain amount.
Sorry, if this is not much help. I never had a problem with spending too much. It's just an idea.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
Those are good suggestions..... I am not sure they work though. I know EVERY trick in the book. I know how to get money out of my bills account, i know how to overdraw my normal account, i know how to lie to everyone so no one finds out. I buy stuff where you pay a fee every month or where you pay a few months after your purchase.
I am a ****ing genious at knowing how to work my way through the system. How to manipulate people and how to lie about my purchases. I know EVERY loop hole because i have used them more than once. I know how i can overdraw my account without having to have the "talk" with my financial advisors.
I know more than i should but then again, i have been this way for 8 years. And the odd thing is that before that i NEVER spent money on myself. I watched every penny.
Katie..... I know what i need. I need love. Never really had it. I substitute love for buying stuff for myself. My parents and i have a problematic relationship and i have never really felt loved by them. I had a boyfriend for 5 years from when i was 17 but he was a violent little prick..... So.... I have never really felt loved. I know i buy stuff because i lack love and empathy and compassion in my life. I know how this thing ticks.
I just don't knbow what to do. Nothing that i have tried so far has ever worked. I think for a while i would actually need someone to TAKE my money and give me cash each day to avoid this nightmare. Because trust me, it IS a nightmare.....
But thank you for your replies <3
It means a lot to me that you take time out to try and help me....
Self love isn't buying yourself things. Self love is treating yourself with honesty, compassion and respect. Which you are learning. Somehow you need a bridge between that emerging awareness and the behaviours, so that the behaviours can change.
So, what about letting someone support you in taking control of your money for a while?
And what about setting yourself some 'rules'/boundaries, guidelines, that you can try and adhere to firmly. Perhaps start by making in one treat a week, that way it's something special, something meaningful, something to look forward to.
In a way, your adult, insightful mind needs to take charge of this problem as it would a wayward child. In a sense it is as a child, that is desperate for love, but doesn't yet know what it really looks like, or how to reach for it. Can you feel some sadness and love for her, as well as the anger?
Sometimes you just have to face the monster clearly in the eye as you step over it.
Easier said than done, I know. But is possible. Sometimes you might even find yourself doing it without consciously thinking about it. Maybe.
- call your bank and arrange that you can't overdraw any of your accounts anymore, that way you can't spend more than what is in your account
- cancel all your creditcards
Just wanted you to know that youre not alone....i have bags and bags and bags of clothes up in the attic, clothes piled up in my room...its for comfort although for me its also impulsive...its the getting things in the post, carrying bags full of shopping around town...yet i hate trying stuff on and never go anywhere to wear my clothes.
I think what midnight crazies said is a good idea hun xxx
As to the giving someone some or all of your money but an 'allowance' I don't think your mom is the best bet for this, I truly don't and I'm sure you know why I say this.
Your friends' names have gone out of my head (but for B), would you be able to speak to them about it? To have them help you? AND talk to the bank, as Marty suggested? (i *think* thats Marty...same av, but not seen you in ages...sorry if not)
I know it may feel really embarassing to admit it to them, but, honestly Kat, there are so many ppl with this problem...it isn't just you.
At one point when I was really ill, I gave up my bank cards to V and had him change paypal and all that so I couldn't access anything. That was embarassing as hell...but it worked.
Would your dad be more likely to want to help with the treatment place/cost?
Lastly, this doesn't make you a failure or a horrible person, Kat. I know you won't believe me, but it is true.
xxx
my mum has this problem, or used to have it not sur if she still does I know because I used to have to hide letters from my step-dad and our landlines ringer was turned off so that people she owed money couldn't call - which also meant if I was out it was a pain to get in touch with parents...
She would buy things where you didn't have to pay for a few months or where you paid in instalments too, other times she would just buy tons of boots :/ seriously she owens more pairs of boots than you can imagine...
I think with this, as with all addictions, you can only really deal with it once you get to the route of the problem, however, the nature of the addiction means that you are constantly distracted from said problem/issue route... not that that is that helpful I know...
as for short term managing methods a lot of what's been suggested already is good - things like not taking cards with you, only having a set amount of cash, no credit cards, etc. I vaugely remember that my mum set up a secondary account that only part of she wages went into and would use that s a day to day account as it limited she money, the main account was used for essential direct debits (bills, rent, etc) and she destroyed it's card so that she couldn't get the money unless she went to the bank in person (when was over 10 miles away so a bit of a hassel)
As to the giving someone some or all of your money but an 'allowance' I don't think your mom is the best bet for this, I truly don't and I'm sure you know why I say this.
Your friends' names have gone out of my head (but for B), would you be able to speak to them about it? To have them help you? AND talk to the bank, as Marty suggested? (i *think* thats Marty...same av, but not seen you in ages...sorry if not)
I know it may feel really embarassing to admit it to them, but, honestly Kat, there are so many ppl with this problem...it isn't just you.
At one point when I was really ill, I gave up my bank cards to V and had him change paypal and all that so I couldn't access anything. That was embarassing as hell...but it worked.
Would your dad be more likely to want to help with the treatment place/cost?
Lastly, this doesn't make you a failure or a horrible person, Kat. I know you won't believe me, but it is true.
xxx
DAMN! I knew it wasnt 'y' but the 'i' looked no better >.<
I remember you because you were one of the few who were honest and said what needed to be said.
/sorry Kat...hijack over
xxx
Aww Kat. *big hugs*theres some good advice from above. I think, as touched upon, this is just part of a whole big "addiction" thing going on.
I dont have much or any advice but i want you to know that i care and that you smell :P
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
DAMN! I knew it wasnt 'y' but the 'i' looked no better >.<
I remember you because you were one of the few who were honest and said what needed to be said.
/sorry Kat...hijack over
xxx
It's ok, I was kidding. You really got a good memory because that description is totally me. I plan on continueing being honest and saying whatever needs to be said all the time!
One thing Im kinda trying to work on with spending, is I can only buy it if i earn it type of thing. So for example, I wasnted to buy something for £100 the other day, but instead, I made myself sell a load of stuff to make the money before buying it. It kinda evens the money out.
Or go into the Ebay bussiness. Generally, those that spend a lot, know whats a good price and whats not. So when you see something at a good price, buy it and see if you can sell it on for double? You may still get the same high, but by not etting the items for yourself and earning the money back, may help.
Could you give the money to someone you trust to keep in an acount for you?
Also, as Marte (!) said, cancel all credit. Arrange direct debits for your bills on the same day you get paid. Or arrange a bank account in the name of someone you trust and get paid into that and bills paid from that. Transfer you're weekly spending money (food etc) into an account you can access once a week by direct debit.
Could you set up a basic bank acount where you have to take everything out as cash? I had one (enforced) and i couldnt spend cos it was so inconvenient!
Thank you all for your words of support and all your suggestions. I'm sorry it has taken me a while to get back to you but i was studying for my exam. Now that, that's over with i can focuse on trying to work my way through this problem.
As it is right now, i owe the bank about 1000 bugs for an overdraft. However, i have been able to keep my spending on a much lower level.
The thing about this is that i have already tried taking drastic measures to decrease the money i spend on "stupid stuff". The bank, however, is not being very cooperative. They keep telling me i can't get a card so i can only get money in the bank. They claim that i HAVE to have a credit card because that's the only thing they offer. I do currently have a card that i can't overdraw but sometimes when you get money from machines you actually can overdraw this card.
The practical things are pretty much as well as they can be right now. I do think i need to work on the emotional aspect too. I need to work out why i feel compulsive needs to buy things for myself. This has never been worked on. I don't have therapy anymore as they kicked me out because they couldn't offer me the specific kind of therapy i requested. So, i'm not seeing anyone anymore. I can't afford to go private so there's not really any places to turn to for help
Like i said, i've had this problem for years but no one has really taken it seriously because i'm not in a massive debt. I don't think people have been able to see how crap my life is because of this problem. All i ever got told was, "well, you don't owe more than 6000 bugs away, so how big a problem can it really be?????"
But again, thank you for your suggestions and you words of support. And sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you!!!!
.gif "rose")
I know because I used to have to hide letters from my step-dad and our landlines ringer was turned off so that people she owed money couldn't call - which also meant if I was out it was a pain to get in touch with parents...
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