I'm having really strong thoughts that I don't need anyone, that I don't need help, that I don't need support, I don't need medication, I don't really need anything or anyone.
These thoughts feel really logical. They make sense. I don't need anyone. Why would I need help?
But these thoughts also scare me, in their cold clarity.
I'm really sorry for posting, because I really don't need help. I kind of need to know how to make the full transition over to this non-neediness. I also need to know how to get some compassionate sense into myself. What is compassion anyway? I don't know any more.
I think the fact you have posted, the fact that they do scare you are both good things and signs that part of you does know that you do need help and is reaching out for it. I'm not sure exactly what compassion is....I guess being compassionate to yourself means trying to understand your needs and thoughts and trying to be kind and do what is best for you.
I feel like my mind is stretching off out of myself. What I've learned through therapy is that these kind of thoughts come from a split off part of me, in reaction to my past. But I can't feel connected with holding that apart from me.
I managed through school and uni and the first years of my job with no help. Why should it be any different now?
Is that how it's feeling now? I know how difficult it is to be very unwell and for your therapist to be on leave for what certainly feels like an extended length of time. Is part of you feeling angry?
Yes, and yes.
Also my GP very nearly brushed me aside saying that I could get my medication refilled on repeat prescription being as next week [she's away this week] is very busy due to being closed on the Friday so I probably wouldn't be able to get an appointment. I went just kind of mute. Then at the last minute she squeezed me in even though they were fully booked. But yes, she also clearly doesn't think I need help.
And at work, I'm just a burden now. Everyone who's staying, and those planning on staying, are naturally far more important and worthy of managerial time and support than people like me. It's a financial fact.
I'm sorry you felt pushed aside by your GP, I think that's very understandable. I imagine it felt as though she was belittling the distress you're in by suggesting you didn't need her next week. I don't want to second-guess what she was meaning, but I imagine that must be how it felt to you.
I'm sorry, too, that it's so cut-throat at work. It sounds very un-affirming (sorry, my brain's lost the power of words tonight) and not a supportive environment. Is your manager not having much contact with you at the moment?
Yes, it really felt that she was 'saying' that I don't really need help, that I just want attention. Or something. Like, I'm going through so much, but maybe I'm not, not really.
Work atmosphere is horrible, yes. [deleted for privacy]
Just emailed my managers to alert them to my GP appointment, and that I shouldn't be late for work, but would let them know if that was a possibility, if she was running late. The one manager who is supportive, I just got an out of office message. She's off all next week. I'm now close to tears. Shit. Yep, I really am alone in the world.
Utterly alone in the world. No change there then. It's how it started, and it's how it'll end.
You don't need to be sorry, especially not for needing support. I understand how hurtful it can be to feel like someone in a caring profession is not validating your needs or is disregarding them. I really don't think your GP meant it hurtfully but I can understand why you may have been upset. At least she did fit you in though.
Is there anyone else that you can turn to next week? Even if not, remember we are here to support you as best we can. I know it is not the same as 'real life' support but you are cared about Katie.
Thanks Emma.
I am seeing my GP on Thursday. Just hoping she's her 'usual self', she doesn't usually behave like that, brushing me aside.
I'm also in email contact with the Samaritans.
Last night before I went to sleep I felt very much like I was losing my mind. But then I was able to cry. This morning I feel tearful. And my hormones are all over the place right now.
I have to go to work today. Maybe that'll help. Maybe it won't. I don't feel like I can cope with work, but somehow I have to step in front of 'Katrina' and take charge.
Im so sorry you are having such a hard time.Im low on words but I just wanted to say I hope your gp is more supportive next time.Its ok to need help.Please keep making good use of the support you have.Sorry to be uselessxx
I managed ok all through work today.
Back home alone now, I don't feel safe. I feel so empty. Lost. Vulnerable. Frightened.
I don't understand. How can I 'function' at work reasonably, and only last night be virtually 'losing my mind'?
I suppose that's the Borderline stuff?
I've fallen into a kind of limbo state with this now, neither one thing or the other, because either to not need or to need incessantly, both are incredibly painful. Part of me knows the middle ground, but it's shaky as yet.
