Dissociation.

[when.will.it.end]

Hey. I just need a little rant and any advice from anyone who can relate.

So apparently, I'm ill. Like, really quite ill.

I posted in serious about what's been happening but basically I got admitted to a medical ward for something none mental health related and it triggered the **** out me. I completely lost it and ended up passing out loads because I was so overwhelmed. I got really paranoid and was/am having horrific flashbacks where I'm convinced that I'm being hurt/raped. Nasty stuff.

My team came and got me out cos they could see what was happening way better than I could and took me back to the day place I was at before I went in. They have all been great and all think I'm ill. I was extremely close to going to an acute ward, not because I wanted to hurt myself, just because I was so out of it and totally unable to function.

Anyway, I'm waking up now and trying to make sense of it.

When I first read the dissociation symptoms a few years ago and was reading the stuff about being disconnected from reality, I believed it and everything but it's not linked to psychosis so I never really took it seriously. And I've been like this for years. I've been this badly dissociated for at least 3 years but now everyone knows and my psych is like 'you need to be more grounded...'

...I'm trying to come to terms with being ill even though I'm eating and don't want to hurt myself. This is apparently serious illness too.

Is dissociation really this serious? To the point where it verges on psychosis? Has anyone else been badly dissociated for years but somehow managed to hide it and function?

I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to handle this. I don't think I'm ill. I do believe things aren't real and that people want to hurt me.

[lila]

hi,
i'm new to posting, so apologies if i'm not so helpful or articulate.

what you've just experienced sounds super scary - i'm sorry you went through this. sounds, though, that you have a good team who are "on your side" and want to support you in the ways that are best for you.

your question at the end - has anyone else been this dissociated and managed to hide it...

yes. i have, i am...and it's a fine balancing act, involving super professionals, loving friends, and quite a lot of energy and sometimes tears on my part. a couple of times in the recent past i've lost the balance, and become so dissociated and un- real that i've needed to be in hospital - and that's looked a lot like psychosis, i gather. and then i've needed to re-group, find the ground to stand on, the courage to trust a bit more again, and try to continue.

i'm not sure that this is helpful...but wanted to let you know that i've read, what you said echoed with me, and i'm thinking of you.

courage!

[Kitkat :)]

Dissociation can be serious, depending on how it affects the individual.

I think about hiding it, it's more that people don't actually realise they're dissociated at the time. It's afterwards when they realise they have a huge gap in their memory when it comes to thinking back to a certain time.

I suffer dissociation, and sometimes I can realise that I am dissociated because I feel/act/think differently to how I normally do, but usually I only realise I've dissociated when I think back and can't remember what I did or where I went.

[shadow-light]

I've been diagnosed with DID, which is dissociation based. Dissociation occurs on a sort of spectrum, from daydreaming through to loosing all sense of time or reality. For me the most extreme example is that sometimes I "regain awareness" in unknown places with no idea how I got there or where there is - for example when I lived in Aberdeen I once found myself in Glasgow! I also get what professionals have called "dissoaictive flashbacks" where I lose all concept on now and feel that I am totally in the past, or where I can see people from my past following me about... one of these people is dead, and so at first I was totally convinsed that it was a ghost, but have now been assured that it's dissociation related. I have also had times where for days at a time I have apparently not done anything, not functioned in any way, not even moved, but to me it's like that only lasted a few minuets, which is a confusing consept...

as for hiding it... well people normally have no idea what dissocaition is, so they just assume that a person is "spacey" (people have nicknamed me "space cadet" ) and a little unreliable (when you're late to things or don't turn up at all).
Holding down a job is the biggest difficulty and employers are not too sympathetic to the whole "disapearing thing" nor to you seemingly not paying attention to things. But in a way I'm lucky as when I "zone out" someone else usually zones in to take over, it does mean that any work I do can be very variable in qality though, and back at school (before I even knew what dissocaition was lol) teachers used to accuse me of cheating as my handwriting would vary and the quality of my work was all over the place.


I don't think of myself as "ill" though, to me it's an adaptation that I took on in order to survive, and now that it's no longer needed it is causing issues but it's just taking time to adapt to a safer world



I have limited experiance with things like depersonalision, I have experianced it but only in short bursts, I can't imagine having it for long periods of time...

I can understand how from an outside observer it could all look like psychosis though. Esspecially as psychosis is more well known (even among mental health professionals it seems) than dissociation and so people sort of jump to the psychosis conclusion.

[when.will.it.end]

Thanks guys...

I'm just a bit shocked at how serious this can be in terms of your mental state. For some reason I've never taken it seriously, I think because no one else did and I got very used to functioning well whilst being really out of it.

It's a difficult thing to control...