Illogic thoughts on having a child now...

bingie · 12-09-2010, 12:55 PM

So I'm not sure if I should post this here but need some advice.

I'm 23 and have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now. Not long I know. But I feel like I'm driving myself crazy. I want children. Have done since I was a child. And the worst part is I want them now.

I've tried talking to my boyfriend about this but he says he is not too keen on children (he has a very logical view of the world whereas I'm the dreamer in the relationship).He wants to wait till we've been together a few years etc etc. I don't know if I can wait that long though.

At 23 I have already been married once. I'm not going to say it was a stupid mistake because I dont regret it. I still get on with my ex. But I feel I left him for the same reason I could leave my current guy. I was with him for 7 years and wanted a child for the majority of it.He kept with the "we need to be secure,we need to be ready." Even after getting married I continued to get this response. In the end I guess my obsession just made me fall out of love with him.

Of course now I'm with my new guy I dont want to be waiting the other 7 years for something that might never happen again. He says he wants them later in life but something in my head is just telling me time is running out.

It also is not helping when numerous friends,family members and work collegues are constantly updating about their pregnancies and not giving me any of the bad sides of it. (I've considered just blocking myself off from them to clear my head but that wouldn't make me a very good friend to them :p )

Now I'm not sure what to do. A terrible terrible thought going through my head is why don't I stop my birth control and hope I get pregnant without my boyfriend knowing but I know this is selfish and I want a child born out of love not through deciept. But I'm feeling desperate. I don't know what is causing this powerful feeling in me and I really don't know what to do. I feel terrible as it seems something is telling me to have a child but it does not matter who with. And I don't want that. I want a child with the man I love when we are both ready. How do I get past all this logically?

Sorry it was a long post :(

Lou Lou · 12-09-2010, 08:01 PM

hun I think this a perfectly normal thing that a lot of women go through, myself included. I think it's just biology.

I am desperate for a baby right now but my partner (the logical one) wants to wait.

Truth be told our other halfs are probably right. Just wanting a baby isn't always enough. There are so many reasons to wait, not least because it woudn't be fair on your partner. There are financial concerns, emotional concerns, space, jobs, time.

Definitely definitely do not do anything behind his back. I'm sure you wouldn't, it's just a thought after all, but you know....pleeeeeease don't :p
It would almost certainly cause problems later down the line. I imagine the guilt would trouble you, or it would just come out at some point and cause no end of problems between you and your partner.

Maybe it would help to discuss a time frame with your partner. Or even, if he's ok with it, start putting money aside for when it IS the right time. At least then you'd be moving forward towards having a baby eventually and not getting frustrated with the stand still.

Just remember you're only 23, you've got plenty of time to start a family xx

bingie · 12-09-2010, 08:19 PM

Thanks Lou. :)

Trust me I wouldn't go behind his back. Love him too much for that and yeah the guilt would get to me I know it.
Think I do just need to sit down and talk sensibly about it. I dont really knows if he thinks it's a big a deal as it actually to me. I know things arn't ready for either of us. Just need to switch off my body clock I think :p

shadow-light · 12-09-2010, 08:29 PM

eugh, I can relate. I'm 23 too, and been with my partner for 4 years. I have in the past been pregnant (prior to my current partner) but I lost both those children, but for years I have desperately wanted a child... over the last 3 years it's felt like EVERYONE has been having children and it's driving me mad.

Overall though I agree with LouLou, it;s a difficult thing to ignore the want and longing but in the long run it will be for the best

bingie · 13-09-2010, 12:46 PM

Going to try and sit down with my other half tonight and talk about putting money aside or something. Not sure how he will react to be honest. But I figured it is a good idea. Might just put money aside anyways for it just in case :p
Thanks for your advice guys,hopefully I can keep getting by as I have been. Will continue to mock my friend and her inability to climb out of chairs now. Makes me feel better :D

Raven · 13-09-2010, 01:24 PM

i do understand, im 23 too and i really want to have another baby. i thought i was pregnant recently (thought my pill had failed) and spent a week panicking about money, work, how i was going to tell my fiancé etc...but i wasnt and i was absolutely devastated. i think its just what many women feel because we are essentially here to bear children.

it sucks. everywhere you go people are pregnant or have newborns. i am lucky i have my little girl, and i really think shes enough of a handful right now! i dont know how i would cope with a baby too...the pain of birth, getting up 10 times a night to a screaming baby, teething, etc etc. but it doesnt stop me wanting it on some level. i have just had to put it aside though...its not practical for us right now.

Lou Lou · 13-09-2010, 11:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bingie

Going to try and sit down with my other half tonight and talk about putting money aside or something. Not sure how he will react to be honest. But I figured it is a good idea. Might just put money aside anyways for it just in case :p
Thanks for your advice guys,hopefully I can keep getting by as I have been. Will continue to mock my friend and her inability to climb out of chairs now. Makes me feel better :D

I call it my "just in case" fund :) Or the "future fund" in case he rolls his eyes lol. It doesn't have to be specifically for a baby. Mortgage, cars, bills etc but at least you know the money is there for the future should the opportunity arise.
I'm sure he won't react too badly. I guess just try not to make a huge deal out of it being specifically for kids.

And enjoy being young and free for now

Isoverity · 15-09-2010, 12:05 AM

Its nice you want to have children. As a guy I would just caution you about giving too much of yourself away to guys - and for too long. if you spoil them and give them everything they want they will drag situations out for a long time and not feel compelled to take on any responsibilities.

I don't think you should panic and try to force a baby into your life for the sake of having one. Instead, I would draw some boundaries that preserve your life and the things you want from it. If you spend all kinds of years waiting for guys to take on responsibilities when they already have what they want then your not going to get where you want to be.

Lib. · 15-09-2010, 07:33 AM

Hey there. As PP's have said I do think this is a really 'normal' thing but that doesn't make it easier at the time really. I got married at 19 and had my first child 5 days before my first anniversary.

I can see both sides of this. Having had children straight away, yes it IS bloody hard work and there's a lot you won't ever be able to prepare yourself for in advance. Its exhausting and it pretty much puts all your plans for a career on hold for several years. Its not just planning for a newborn but for a child, and sometimes things do (sadly) go 'wrong'- no one plan's on having a disabled childre, but we did!- these are the things which make me think it is best to 'wait'.

On the other hand, there will never be a 'good' time to have children. You will probably never feel completely 'secure' enough. If you become financially secure through having a good job etc, the next worry will be taking time off work or leaving work to start a family. Its also easy to wish away the early years just waiting for things to be 'right', and how is that helpful? Furthermore if you wait a few years to start trying you COULD find out that you don't 'catch' easily and spend a further year or longer trying to get pregnant.

I hope you and your boyfriend can come up with a good answer for YOU guys, because no one else's opinion can determine what is best for you two. You seem like someone with your head screwed on right regarding this, and mature enough to see past experiences as just that, rather than mistakes as such. Whatever you decide I wish you the very best of luck!

Edit: That last bit sounds condescending reading it back but I promise I didn't mean it that way! I just think my thoughts would be different if you seemed very 'young' for your age (like I was!)

bingie · 15-09-2010, 02:38 PM

Well still not spoke to him. It's not the easiest of things to randomly bring up in conversation.
Seem to be feeling better with everyones advice though. I have a stable job so that is a good start and with me and his wages looking after a child financially shouldnt be too much of a problem. I do worry about the illogical things of me and him still being as we are. I know a child would change our relationship dramatically.Don't know if I'm sure of that part yet. So thinking on that :)
As for work I wouldnt plan on leaving. Would ask about part time hours at most or something.I know some very good baby sitters anyways. So that would be covered.
Erg,Why am I actually planning this in my head. :p
Anyways yeah...Going to speak to him later today. See what we can organise.

bingie · 15-09-2010, 08:15 PM

So..I decided against speaking to him about it. If anything I'm a little mad at him but am trying to ignore it. To start I mentioned a friend of mine. 24 and having her second child. I thought it was sweet and was wishing her luck. His response "why would she want to do that at such a young age?"
Well of course I replied "Maybe some couples just want children sooner than later" (He knows that I want children in my life at some point. He could only answer with "Well she's thrown away any chance of having a life for herself then.."

Now I'm a little I don't know. Frustrated at this. I don't think he realises what he has said and it's really getting to me :'(

Lib. · 16-09-2010, 07:38 AM

That was a pretty hurtful conversation, it sounds like :(

Just remember that how someone percieves other couples is different to how they usually percieve their own situation.

Also there really is a big difference between having a child (who you can bundle into the car and take places with you, if you need to etc) and having a second child (which is definitely double the trouble in my experience).

Its of course your decision if you need to speak to him about it or not, maybe even if you just talk to him to tell him how you feel but with no pressure for him to agree to have a child yet, etc.

Hope you are feeling a bit better about things x

bingie · 16-09-2010, 09:02 AM

Thanks Still, I'm feeling a lot better.

We actually sat down and we spoke about it. Told him it was something that was important to me and I think he got the message about how I felt about what he had said earlier in the day. And good news came of it all :)

He's said at the moment he would love a child with me but him being logical has said give it a year so we can save up and decide if we still want our current home for bringing up our bundle of joy. I'm actually very happy with this whole idea.

His other reason for giving it a year is so friends at work and home and such can have their children and that way when I do fall pregnant it will be just me and I can be as selfish as I want with it :P (That and will have some experienced people around me)

I think it's all gone really well and before I just needed to vent. Thank you all for your advice and I'll be back in the future to keep you updated. ^^