I want to make it clear that this is a support thread. My other thread was meant to be such, but I didn't make that clear because it is hard for me to face the conflicts and such currently in my life. Those things that are immediate to me, and colouring my thinking. When I posted the other thread, I was only subconsciously aware of these underpinnings.
Beneath it all are my worries about what would happen and what I would do and how I would cope, if I lose my job - and that worry is becoming increasingly imminent.
Plus, I've had 'reasonable adjustments' for my depression stuff at work for about 5 years now, and have needed them, and do still need some of them. But some of them need changing - like I'm currently doing as much 'back room' work as I was when I was most ill 5 years ago. This has only come back recently. For no reason related to my health, I don't think, but it's a real downer when I'm getting so much better. I'll bring this up at my review in a month's time. I still need some adjustments, but in terms of tasks and all, I think a change needs to take place. I am ready for more of a challenge, more opportunity to interact and use my mind and heart actively. But I don't feel ready to jump out into the job market. It may be that this can be accommodated with the support of my current team and colleagues. That would be good and exciting.
BUT if I lose my job... how can I best find work that works for me and where I *am* currently. That idea, quite simply, terrifies me. I'm pretty good about being my own advocate about my illness as needed. But, even so. I would visit Mind, and the CAB, and get support on my CV from people I know, even might have some good contacts for casual work, at least as a stop gap. But. Well, it's a frightening idea, destabilising. Although potentially could open me up to new opportunities.
So, we have me, my abilities, my vulnerabilities, and the world.
You see, if I talk about what's REALLY bothering me, it seems no one knows what to say. Talk about something controversial and everyone jumps in.
I guess.... there's not much to say in reply to this. But this is where I'm at. This is what really needs the attention, understanding, support. The other thread was, in part, a screen to all this.
*hugs* what makes you think you will lose your job? have they been laying off anybody or making pay cuts at your job in particular, or just in your field? If it's just in your field, it may happen, but it's probably not something to stress too much about. But if it is in your actual location, perhaps you should start putting out resumes and such. I know it can be very difficult as far as fearing losing a job that really works for you, but remember that stressing about it will only make you worse, though I know that's much easier said than done. I do think you should discuss that you feel more ready for customer interaction with your bosses. But even if something happens that you do lose your job, there are plenty of places that will have options that will fit your needs. for example, if the problem is that you need to not have excessive customer interaction, you can focus on finding a job that is quieter, has less or no customer interaction, etc. (that's just an example, i'm not sure entirely what your particular needs are, but i'm sure there are other jobs that either fit your needs or can easily adjust). And remember that as long as the adjustment is reasonable, they do have to work with you as you have a documented illness. it's no different than a physical illness. So I think that you may want to assess how likely cuts are to be made, and also maybe look around to other jobs that will fit or at least probably adjust to you so that it can ease your mind that you have a plan if you do get laid off. Maybe even bring up your concerns with your bosses if you think they would be honest with you, that might help you know if your particular area is likely to undergo any cuts. I know it is very stressful though. Have you also discussed this with your counselor? I don't live in England so I don't know the actual job market as well for practical purposes as she might. You also mentioned that you are afraid of destabilizing, even if you do have no trouble getting another job. Maybe you could try to think about why change feels so negative, maybe also write down some good things that have come out of accepting change in your life.
So try to focus on not predicting that you will lose your job for sure, but also make some back up plans, try to objectively assess the risk of this happening, put some practical things into place so you do have options IF it does happen. Then tell yourself that you have done everything you can, everything will work out, and that you will be ok no matter what happens. Keep telling yourself positive affirmations, what we tell ourselves is very critical to the actions we end up taking. And also definitely focus on helping yourself be more comfortable with change, maybe change up your routine, try new things, so you can somewhat learn to see change as not so scary. Your counselor probably has more ideas about how to address the change issue than I do, so approach that with her too if you haven't.
is there a reason that the whole loosing your job thing is on your mind? Are they making cuts or something?
I haven't worked for almost a year, so to be honest am not the best person to say anything on the topic. But if it came to it at job centres there are DEAs (disability employment advisers) who's job it is to help people find suitable work and help put things in place to help people get into work, etc. I've seen a fair few over the last year and they are pritty good. Mind doesn't function in scotland so I don't know much about them, but I've heard good things. So overall if it came to it I'm sure you could find a job
I have no idea how the adjustments thing works to be honest (never had any) but feeling able to do more tasks and able to face more of a challenge has got to be a good thing, though I would assume that the reveiw process is a bit daunting...
being unsure about the future in anyway isn't a great feeling... it brings up all sorts of anxiety and feelings of vulnerbility, but maybe try to focus on the possitives of it? Like that if you do need to find a job it could open up a wide range of oppotunities. Or just the fact that you are feeling more able to do tasks and handle challenges than you used to.
Thank you both. I'll respond in more detail later.
Just to clarify re the budget cuts - it's all over the news that public services are to have massive budget cuts, and it was said a while back that libraries are a prime target.
yeah unfortunately libraries aren't always the government's top priority, though in reality they are very important. Maybe you could talk to people at your job that might know if they've heard about any imminent cuts? So you can assess the likelihood that your library will have to fire people? Cause sometimes they may make cuts, but it doesn't necessarily mean someone will be fired, it may mean that they can't buy as much, that they can't hire more people, etc. rather than that someone gets fired.
We have a meeting this afternoon. These meetings are held regularly. But it is very highly likely that news will be given this afternoon of what's going to happen. It's a big staff forum type meeting. Some staff in morning, some in the afternoon. I am scared I'll 'freak out' and run out of the room or sit there shaking and wanting to run, if any bad news is given. If I'm to be given tough news, I'd rather be told individually. It feels very unsafe.
Could you tell your bosses that? Just so they know in general to tell you individually before having you in a meeting where bad news is told? Maybe even go to them before the meeting today and tell them you're worried about negative stuff being relayed in the meeting and that you would like to avoid reacting badly due to many people being present. Then maybe they could either reassure you that there's not or talk to you beforehand if there is or excuse you from the meeting and then discuss the relevant stuff afterwards if they can't tell you before they tell everyone else.
that's good. I think it's really great you're able to communicate so well with them. Communication of fears/problems is a huge step in recovery. The more you explain to them the better they can help you, and the more comfortable you'll feel at work.
The come back from those who'd been to this morning's session was very worrying. But when I went to this afternoon's, what I heard was marginally hopeful. I don't know. I'm confused. We'll know next week. Next week. Oh God.
im sorry you felt unlistened to katie, i gave a hug but in all honesty i find long chapters hard to read, esp when it comes to things dealing with work because of the issues ive had,
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I managed to calm down the first part of the night. Then was awake from around 4.30am ish.
I don't know how to cope with this.
I've done nothing wrong.
Why should I be punished?
I know it doesn't work that way. But that's how it feels.
And I know I don't know if I'm a 'target' yet. But.
It's a horrible thing to have to go through, if you do have to go through it. But try not to worry too much until you know what is actually going to happen. Also, if the worst does happen, try to remember what you said originally, about there being positives. You get the chance to do things that you wouldn't have done otherwise and you might end up in a lifechanging job that you love. xxx
"this is the room where you don't have to be brave"
