On Wednesday evening I was feeling very distressed and vulnerable, and did something that, well, was a step in preparation for something that would not be very healthy. I then took my medication [15mg mirtazapine] and went to bed. Whereupon I cried very heavily for about an hour. I had started crying when I read a line in my book before I lay down. Then, after lying there in the dark crying for about an hour, the mirtaz. clicked in and I went to sleep. Next morning I woke up and felt "did I really do that?" "how could I do that?" and it felt like it had been a dream. Except the evidence of my 'preparation' was there, as were the mounds of used tissues under my pillow.
What could this have been?
I'd say it was dissociation of some kind? Or a temporary psychosis type of thing?
I'm not asking for a diagnosis, it's just this kind of thing is 'new' and I'm looking for pointers. What is different is that, if it was the part of me I call Katrina, as she does 'that kind of thing' [the crying was mine though, I think] then it is different, because I wasn't noticeable angry or feeling out of control. I felt calm and 'rational' and it felt soothing to do this thing I did before the tears. I'm looking for some pointers that might help me explore what went on... Thanks.
Unlikely to be side effect of the medication, as I've been taking it for nearly 5 years and haven't really had an experience like this. The thing I did was a result of current anxieties in my life.
I can never remember which is which but ti sounds like either depersonalisation or derealism to me. I get it now and again, it's really disconserting and confusing
You said you were feeling quite distressed and vulnerable before the event, do you think it's possible that you, Katie, were emotionally dissociated/disconnected when it happened, or did it feel more like another aspect of you, ie Katrina? Or perhaps that is a really tricky distinction...
Hope you are ok
lostboys
lostboys, I don't know... it really is a tricky distinction. I didn't feel 'pushed aside' by Katrina. I felt in full control, and it felt a totally right thing to do. But the tears I shed for so long afterwards were testament to the fact that of course it wasn't the right thing to be doing, but it felt the only way to prepare to deal with feeling so abandoned and powerless. All the signs point to it being Katrina, but it didn't feel like Katrina. Obviously I'll talk about it with my therapist, although it feels very raw and vulnerable and shameful to do so. Especially after my GP didn't pay attention to it, when it's the most severely suicidal I've ever been, in a calm and rational kind of way. Does that make sense?
I get that really often, but I don't know what it is. It's probably dissociation of some sort, dissociation can often come in different ways. Sometimes your mind switches off emotion-wise kind of as a defense mechanism, i think sometimes so you can go through with destructive stuff without anxiety (like your mind thinks it's necessary), and sometimes for me at least i just hit points where i completely turn off and have no emotion whatsoever. but yeah sorry i can't be more helpful. maybe discuss it with your therapist?
I hear what you mean by being pushed aside, have you ever had Katrina present without you being pushed aside? So you are there, but emotionless?
I'm really sorry that the way your GP responded was so dismissive. Has she been like that previously?
I understand that it would hurt even more since you've not felt that at risk before. I think that when you are so calm and feeling rational when you are doing self-destructive behaviours it is actually the most frightening, not at the time of course. But having no fear, or anxiety, it's frightening to think that you can be in a state of mind that something so destructive seems so right without influence from cognition or emotion that would usually be there. If you see what I mean...
I agree that the being calm and rational during self destructiveness is the most frightening after the event. I totally get that. That's why I cried so much afterwards, I think.
Yes, I've often had times when I switch off and feel no emotion, when my mind goes blank. That's usually Katrina, blanking me, protecting me - or trying to. I did have some emotion this time though - determination and relief, albeit in a twisted sense.
My GP is great. I'm not sure if she was being dismissive, or trying to focus on the positive, and I was presenting as fairly 'ok' during the appointment. It's a tough call. I could have been 'ok' because of knowing I had the 'way out' all planned out, which was indeed the case in part. As I'm safer at the moment, it's less of an issue. But I do worry whether she'd ever know what to do if I were to be even closer in my preparation plans - would she do nothing to help me stay safe? Trouble is, I guess, with the oppositional defiant part of Katrina - which is a double edge sword, since part of it is me and knowing I have to work through something rather than hide it away.
Similar things happen to me too sometimes. I think of it as derealization and/or depersonalisation, though I don't know if it actually is. I go numb a lot, but sometimes while numb I end up self-harming out of a sick kind of fascination or something. It's like I know exactly what I'm doing, I just don't know why, and I don't know how to stop... which kind of sounds like what you're talking about... maybe? Do you remember if things looked/sounded/felt different? Like quiet/far away?
"Watch me fault her "you're living like a disaster". She said "kill me faster", with strawberry gashes all over"
Sorry, I know that is not much help. My understanding of dissociation is a circuit breaker in your mind that closes of parts of your awareness when there is too much stimuli to deal with - too many emotions, too much going on around you - In this sense, it is not only in the sense of DID (although that is where DID originates from) but also in the perception of emotions, actions and the world around you. It is a self-defence mechanism.
I am sorry to hear you were feeling so desperate at that time. I hope you are feeling better now?
I have to go back to work, but will be back online later.
*hugs*
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
