Triggering (SI) - Colours and reality

[Kitkat :)]

Don't ask me about the title, it just seemed appropriate.

Why does nothing seem real? It all seems like a figment of my imagination; if I close my eyes I am in true reality, which is nothingness.

And there seem so many aspects of myself... I don't know who I am anymore? Am I one person? A series of people combined? I don't know how many other people there are... There's one girl already in my head, she doesn't want a name. She locks me away sometimes, makes me angry, makes me self harm, makes me hurt the people I love and be rude to them. When I'm back, I don't remember it.

I have gaps in my memory, large gaps, where I don't remember months, days, weeks, what day it is, the time, what I'm doing... I feel like I don't have a past, only a present because I can't remember it

It's tiring, I hide her when I'm at home, Mum can't cope with it.

She screams inside my head when I don't listen, I feel I'll burst or do something irrational. She wants me to self harm, she wants me to do it, deep, make sure it hurts, bleeds so much...

I get flashbacks, I don't know if they happened, I pray to God they didn't because they disturb me.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist soon, I don't wanna get mad at her or do anything... but what if I come undone?

What's going on?

[shadow-light]

that souds fairly disconcerting :(

noone herre can really diagnose you or anything though, that's the job of your doctor/phych. however, I can relate to a lot of what you have written, and for me it's mainly dissociation based. The feelig of things not being real sounds like derealism/depersonalisation, which I get from time to time.

have you ever looked at the "dissociative destress thread" on here? people there maybe able to give you support as it sounds like you're experiancing a lot of dissociative based things

[Kitkat :)]

No I haven't, I'll have a look now :)
I was wondering on how to cope with it and stuff and if anyone else has the same experiences... I feel so alone, no one gets it

[Kitkat :)]

They make me feel welcome :)

[bleeding black]

Hey
Derealization - feeling like your surroundings aren't real, and depersonalization - feeling like you aren't real are ways your mind deals with intense anxiety and distress.
These can be worked with by using different techniques like grounding and mindfulness, to keep you focused on the present, what is happening around you, and sensations you feel/smell/see with your senses. I have some links that I will post here when i find them.

It would be a good idea to communicate to your therapist as much as possible about what is going on for you, the more information they have, the better they can help and support you.
No one here can diagnose you, so you really neeed to be telling this stuff to your therapist, try not to jump to any conclusions.
Take care