Keeping Katie present [explanation, apology etc]*my current support thread*
I haven't been myself the past few days. I've been in a past reality, feeling it was happening in the present. A number of things touched the painful raw 'rewind my life' button in my psyche, as it were. Not just things here on RYL, a number of things overwhelmed the coping circuits in my brain and what happened happened.
I was responding to a past reality inside my head, feeling things more as personal attacks when they weren't necessarily so, or at least not to the degree that I felt them to be at the time.
It is hard for me when I'm in that state of mind to accept other perspectives. I go into complete fight-flight mode, and feel that if I don't protect myself I'll die. It is a very life or death thing, it really genuinely does feel that.
It's not something I always have ability to switch out of during the time it is happening. Not when it is so severe. I need gentle and firm clear reality checking, clear boundaries, someone to intervene and help 'bring me back'. Of course this is what my therapist does with me. I am starting to gain some confidence in doing it myself when need be, but it's 'baby steps' as yet.
I accept that I - or rather, that part of my psyche that acts in that way when she feels under threat - said some hurtful things, and I would like to apologise for those. I would like to be forgiven, and given space to allow to learn from my experience and to move on. That is what respect is, to me, to be trusted that I can learn and grow from experience.
I don't however wish to take back all I said. That wouldn't be respecting my basic principles. I have no wish to wipe out all my words of the past few days here on RYL. Some of the things I've said are very important. I trust those involved to work out which might be what.
I do suggest this - that those here who're not abuse survivors do have a few quiet reflective moments pondering over how abuse survivors do feel so passionately and protective and sensitive as we do for such things.
This little while is tough for me. The bad weather has been making my usually painful anyway therapy break separation anxiety many times worse. I'm alone at home at a period of time traditionally associated with togetherness. I am pre-menstrual, and this magnifies all my internal distress levels, all my symptoms, it 'turns up the volume' on them.
As some of you know I'm also in homeopathic treatment. What my homeopath calls 'duality' is one of the key areas of my treatment. He calls it duality, I and my therapist call it Katie and Katrina [and the child state, Trini]. For my GP and I it's my adult self, my child state, and my defences. Unfortunately, as many of you know, I don't have a separate medical diagnosis that encompasses this. One of the things homeopathic treatment can do, especially in conjunction with depth psychotherapy, is to highlight conflicts in order that they can be resolved. Unless one is fully conscious of one's internal dynamics, and how they play out with others, how can one change and heal and grow? I suspect that this is also a facet of what is happening for me.
In one of the therapy groups on the therapy training I did, the last group before I left the course in order to work on my own healing, the facilitator said to me that I had done what I'd needed to do in the group - even though it may have been messy, painful, and all those things. I think this is also a factor here. Finding one's voice and one's self isn't a tidy or 'nice' process, especially when that voice and that self have been in hiding for their own protection for over 35 years.
*gentle hugs* I wasn't totally involved in everything... but I wanted to let you know that I read, care, and am glad that you posted this. I'm glad that you're through that stormy phase... hopefully you will have a bit of a break and no storm for awhile.
As you may remember, there was Tabitha for me - and as I said before, I hope that Katrina/Trini integrate as Tabitha did for me. I still have my moments when Tabitha WANTS to come out... but instead it's me taking responsibility for the actions that I do, and they are not nearly as violently explosive, etc. I hope that you become integrated and can accept yourself as you are now and then.
*more gentle hugs*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
It does sound like there are a lot of very challenging, confusing things going on for you at the moment. You are right that often finding yourself and expressing yourself isn't as neat and tidy as it's made out, sometimes it'll happen again and again until you fall into yourself - and as long as you can forgive (not so much forgive, maybe accept) yourself then that is all that matters.
I truly don't feel you have to apologise at all, least of all to us, after all you do here. You may have acted 'different' to how you have in the past, but I have seen no negative posts or need for you to apologise. We all work through different things in different ways, and you did not flame or etc anyone, merely expressed your viewpoint.
All I can say is, be gentle with yourself, be gentle and nurturing of what you need right now. And we're here for you all the way.
this time of year is chaotic for many people, and everyone has stormy periods so we're sure that noone thinks badly of you nor judges you on the past few days.
Internal conflicts are tough, as are times when one has strog feelngs about something, esspecially when that one is as strong as Katrina sounds.
But anyway we doubt anyone thinks bad of you. In fact for us its the oposite, we think it's good that you found this voice, and ne first finding it its obvously going to be hard to judge an apropriate level and control.
Over the last few days Michelle has been very riled up over your posts wanting to protect you, which feels really odd as you are the first "external" person she has felt this way about
these stormy patches are part of the healing and internal acceptance, so in may ways they are a good thing (even if they do not seem it at the time)
Thank you so much. I'll reply in more detail to your responses later today or tomorrow.
And I need to add something that got missed from my original post - I want to thank everyone who's been so supportive and respectful of me, who's been here for me, and stayed with me during all this. It means so so much to me.
I haven't been around for a while (I was Sometimes Crazy, it's Chelsea) but I think that, just for typing this and accepting these strong feelings as part of being a trauma defence (if I'm right in reading) is a very brave thing to do.
The journey of psychotherapy isn't easy, as I'm finding out personally, but I hope that soon, you will acheive a state of inner calm and co-operation as I/we are working towards right now. No, it doesn't make what's being worked through any easier, but having that smoother internal functioning can help. I understand how distracting and painful it can be to have so many things going on for you at one time.
Right now I feel that I'm crumbling a little inside. That the steadiness I gained yesterday morning is now a little crumbly.
There's still a conflict going on in my mind re "I deserve to be punished" v. "I MUST fight for myself and others." It's.. tiring.
Any ideas on how I can resolve this conflict?
I feel unsettled inside, a sense of discomfort. Something isn't quite right.
It sounds like you've done a lot of fighting for yourself and others over recent days, Katie, and have also at times felt very punished for it.
Do you think that, just for a little while, you might be able to reach another place? One where you internally validate your own right to feel however you need to, but not to actively have to fight battles? Just whilst you're feeling so tired? And also to internalise the messages on here that remind you how very respected and important you are as a member on RYL. Hold onto that warmth for your own self. xxx
Sometimes, the hardest person to forgive and allow to move on is myself.
Maybe my thinking others won't forgive me is a projection.
Laura, you're right about that feeling punished. My internal dynamics are at war right now, with my past-father-internalisation really having a severe 'go' at me last night. But my dream seemed to indicate that healing is possible, that I won't 'drown'.
I feel more stable this morning, thankfully, as I'm going to work today. I hope I am shifting out of the storm.
I keep meaning to actually copy and paste all the really supportive replies from the past week into a word document, but it still feels too raw.
Today, thankfully, I'm starting to see and understand how much the past horrors and traumas and humiliations have been so stirred up the past little while. I'm seeing more clearly how totally understandably this has been happening. Everything's less tangled up and strangling me less. I'm starting to be able to separate out the aspects, hold the space for myself.
Just before the therapy break started I said to my therapist how it's like walking along a tightrope, each break, and I know that I'll wobble and fall, and it's all about navigating that.
I was feeling so much better, but waves of insecurity and worry have intruded in again.
I'm really tired, too, so will get an early night. Tiredness can do all kinds of things with the mind.
A good night's sleep might do you some good. Sometimes just having a break from thoughts bombarding your head is just what you need and you might wake up feeling at least a letter better tomorrow.
*cuddles*
Do you want to talk about your worries and why you feel insecure?
You can't lose hope when it's hopeless.
You gotta hope more,
then put your fingers in your ears and go,
"Blah blah blah blah!"
Thanks.
Yes, I am going to head for bed very soon. So tired I keep making typos.
I want my therapist to help me hold 'all this' and to help me feel 'held'. But I have to wait another week and a half, and I always worry about her when it's breaks from therapy. It's so hard to hold 'all this'.
Thankfully at least it's only a week until I see my homeopath, and some serious talk/remedy change needs to take place, so that'll help.
It was good to be at work today. But it's limited what I can do right now, as the agency staff are being given all what would be my work. It's cool that they're helping out. But I'd like some work for me too please. It happens every time we get agency staff. Big boss favouritises them. I'm just a bit p'd off about it, really.
Bed does sound like a very good idea then :) Typos can be frustrating and that's the last thing you need hun.
I guess it is hard over the Christmas holidays where you don't see your therapist for a while, but try your best to let out whatever is bothering you, don't try to hold everything in, that's where this thread is for. Hopefully seeing your homeopath will help you though.
Could you talk to your boss and say you would like a bit more to do? Perhaps explain that work is good for you because it keeps you busy?
You can't lose hope when it's hopeless.
You gotta hope more,
then put your fingers in your ears and go,
"Blah blah blah blah!"
I need to go to sleep... but, briefly, both managers are on annual leave this week [so are the temps, but everything is being left for them...] I'm only at this office all day Tuesdays and Wednesday mornings. I don't know what I'll be doing tomorrow. I spent the last hour of today doing an e-learning as there was literally nothing else for me to do.
I've spoken to my managers about the situation so many times.
