Triggering (SI) - I don't remember... anyone else?

[Stellata]

I don't remember the first time I self harmed.

Well, I remember trying to cut off parts of my genitals when I was in my teens. But after that. I don't remember.

I remember running out of the room when a yoga teacher was demonstrating do-in massage - it looked like she was hitting herself, and I did that, and it was too much for me. This was in August 1998 or 9. But what came before then?

I remember being in my room at the same retreat centre a year later, at night, crying and hating myself and hitting myself. This was in January/February 2000.

I remember telling my previous therapist that I self harmed. She told me "everyone self harms in some way" and I faded out. This was in 2002ish.

Since starting work with my current psychotherapist in June 2003, everything's been much more conscious and I am recovering.

But it worries me that I cannot remember "the first time." Was I so ill I blanked it out? I had no internet access back in the late 90s, not until late October 2000, so it would have come from 'me' as a 'coping mechanism', not 'learned' from anywhere.

Anyone else have similar experience?

[~Grace~]

I remember the first time I harmed. But like you it was as a coping mechanism as until that point I had never heard of self harm and that was in 2004

[shadow-light]

I don't think I remember my first time either....


The first time I remember doing it wa when I was 16 after a bad thing. But I also remember that I had scars already then... Enougth scars to imply I'd been doing it for a while...



but... I remember basically nothing between the ages of 12 and 16, so I guess I'm not a "normal" case
But I see no reason why it would be "odd" to nt remember.. I mean after a while it's becomes more normalised to us, so looking back it could easily just become part of the background (as it were). Memories are so easily distorted and can so easily become disorganised even get out of order, so I really don't think that fct that you cant remember is anything to worry about, it could be for any number of reasons

[airwolf282]

Everyone is different. I don't actually remember when my first real SH happened. I know it was an OD but it made me unconscious a short time after taking it and caused amnesia. I have been SI'ing for several years though and have made it past 4 months without harming which is the longest I have ever gone.

[pancake]

I remember, I was 10 and at school, i did it to take myself out of a situation a really rather minor emotional situation. Unfortunatly it worked, and kept working on that level anyway.

[Ninja Orange]

The first time I remember cutting was when I was 15, and I'm pretty sure that was actually the first tme I had cut.

But I do vaguely feel that I had done other stuff, like hitting/bruising myself before that, but I have no actual memories of a particular instance.

I suppose, I am also not quite a typical case, as I'm missing all memory of everything before the age of ~11, and my memory if kind of foggy until ~14. Which is not long before the 15 I mentioned, when I remember self harming.

[katkinb]

I think that the first time I truly harmed was when I was 12 , but I don't truly remember, I think that I may have done other things before then, but not really understood that they were a form of self harm, I don't actually think that I knew what I did was self harm, it was just what i did...

I find that as I get older, naturally I am remembering less and less about certain parts of my life, i am unsure whether its just an age thing or as you said, your mind is blocking it out.

I do know where you are comeing from, but am unable to explain it, sorry.

kat

[Merc]

The first time was either 6 or 7..i cant figure which.
It was more for attention I suppose (*cringes*), because no one would listen to how i felt.
After all..why should I be 'serious/ill/disturbed' with the 'perfect family'?

[Sigma]

or me it was sort of a gradual escalation until it became 'proper' SH, so started with me digging my nails into myself etc but I can't remember when each bit started except the first time I deliberately hurt myself with a razor when I was shaving my legs

[foxfly]

I can't remember the first time either. Maybe I've always done it? The first thing I remember is abuse. Maybe I've self-harmed since then. I don't really know.

[Bronze Moth]

I always thought I could, but then as I found out more about different forms of SI I realised I'd been harming myself longer than I thought.

Which makes me sad as despite the crap stuff I'd always thought I'd had quite a happy childhood and hadn't been that affected by what happened until I was in my teens.

I remember I was 15 the first time I cut. It was christmas 2004 actually. But I know when I was around 3 I used to hit myself with a brush and I don't remember when or how that started or stopped for that matter.

[Bronze Moth]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malison

I was around 12 or 13 and I remember exactly where I was sitting, what I used, where I hurt myself. I had heard about self injury before but I'd never thought of doing it to myself. I can't remember what I was feeling or what led up to me doing it, though.

I'd read about people cutting themselves and had felt an attraction to the idea. Still do sometimes even though it's years since I did. I wonder if that will ever go away

[RemoteControl]

I dont remember the first time. I dont really remember exactly how old i was when i first went to a therapist, and i dont know how old i was when i stopped seeing that therapist.

until today actually, i forgot that i used to self harm on my arms, as now i just do it on my legs.

its weird when you think about it, how much you dont remember.

[zivalover16]

I don't remember the first time.... I'm not sure why but I can barely remember before I was 13... Even then is fuzzy. I know that I si'd throughout marching band and I started that when I was 13...I remember being in a 9th grade class and being asked if about some cuts by another student......as strange as it sounds, I remember all the tools I used but not the first time

[Everything Inside]

I do remember my first time.
But from past storiies some people can, no even knowingly blak things out.

When 9/11 happened, there was a story of one man running from the wreckage, and he remembers vividly seeing a pile of dead cows mooing. But after looking back, reflecting etc. he reliesed it was really human bodies piled after the impact and his mind mad him see something else because it was so horrific.

I've self harmed for years from hitting myself or other thing to cutting. But in a sense i am a 'lucky' one. i still have some horrible scars the worst being my recent phase, but the ones from a few years ago have faded. it takes time but i seem to heal. But the very first time i harmed i still have that scar which could be why I have never forgot.

Sometimes though you shouldn't look back and think when or why but the future to stop :) x

[Stellata]

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.

Looking at it now, it makes total sense that I'd remember self harming from since I started proper therapy. Because it's all about becoming aware. I think before, I was just too ill and dissociated to notice much, it all just blurred into a mass of self hatred and pain inside of me.

[supersonic]

OMG! This thread has brought back something that I knew about but hadn't 'labelled' as odd or not normal. I used to try and break my bones - bang hardback books against my shins and try to jump down the stairs.
I only considered that I SH from my punching inanimate objects back in 2001/2002 ...I thought I was a late-starter in that respect...but it seems that I was, in fact an early starter.
I guess, Stellata, that through your therapy and with time memories will be triggered in different ways. I tried for so many years just trying to remember, thinking I'd find answers to certain situations, but the harder I tried the further they went away. Try not to worry about not remembering. It's about who you are now.