Im writing this while I'm still rather depressed and upset. So I am sorry. I will rant. Sorry again.
I don't know if anyone has seen, I got turned down for DLA, and I rang today, while on the phone I got really upset and all my problems came flooding out. I told him that I can't leave the house due to my OCD, as I need to be where there is no germs, where there is a shower and where there is handwash, also that I'm scared incase I go out, someone might die infront of me, or something horrific like that will happen. I also said I can't leave due to my sexual abusers, as they may come after me or I may see one, as they all live in my area.
I also said due to my OCD, I can't cook. Due to me hating bad smells on me. I constantly think I smell. I hate cooking, as I get that smell on me ):.
I also have a very low tolerance to hair. I am always shaving myself and making myself rather sore, so I spend most of my day washing and shaving.
I then seen I got turned down for not needing constant care. Which I think is bullshit, why should I stop my fiance from working, we could NOT afford it. I do need constant care and supervision, as Im very suicidal and self harm ALOT, but I do not expect him to leave work for me.
I also noticed today how much my dad mentally abuses me, and this is so so so hard for me to write. I don't like to admit he does this to me, as I love him so much, but he really drags me down. I dont realise until hours after. He wears me down. He puts me down. Like today, I was crying to Liam on the phone. And I came off and asked if they'd (my mum and dad) write me a support letter, he straight away said "No, why should we, you tell us **** all". I was like, Ok i'll leave it at that. Then I was sat there and he said "So what you were crying about earlier on, what the **** was that about". He then went on to say "Where do your letters go then?", I said Liam's, as he ALWAYS opens my mail. And he said "Why the **** do you send them there?". I didn't answer back, as Im SO scared of him. I constantly feel I'm walking on egg shells with him. I can never relax when he's around me. Like im always doing something wrong.
Im sorry its long. Im so so desperate, I'm looking at suicide. I want to cut all the bad out. I want to stop feeling their fingers inside. I want to see all the bad pour out. Im sad. Im tired. I want it all to end.
x
