Labyrinth - if you're worried, it might be worth making sure the medication is not anywhere where others could find it. One time I had an incident in which one of the littles thought that a packet of laxatives were sweets. Not pleasant.
Justice - yeah, sometimes it gets so crowded with outside and inside and me and all the rest of it. I have tried several anti-psychotics but either they didn't have any effect, or they completely knocked me out. So I just kinda put up with it, but sometimes I do wonder, because the paranoia, delusions and outside voices are never mentioned in descriptions of dissociative disorders.
**
My boyfriend has just gone for a fag. This has been the best day I have had in such a long time. The zoo was brilliant and I didn't completely switch, although the littles were up front with me for most of the day. On the way home we stopped off in the city and I lost it a bit there but I'm recovered now I'm away from all those people. Just had dinner and I'm not going to purge I'm not going to purge. Right well better go, hope you are all having good days too xx
I don't ever have like different personalities, but I go through stages where I feel like I'm dreaming. It's really hard to explain but it's like I'm not actually real (it sounds so silly I know) But I almost feel as if I've died ad I'm just watching myself do everything, like I can see myself performing everything I'm doing, but I gain nothing from it. I really can't explain it any better than that really...which isn't the best explanation I know...it scares me sometimes though cos I don't really understand what is wrong.
i have been feeling very weird. i feel like i am going back in time or certain things like patterns of light will make me feel i am back to being a child. i keep getting these strange memories this morning regarding other girls i was around when i was younger. They aren't exactly new memories (more ones i don't think about often) but they're starting to fit together and I think the reason they bothered me is cause there's something else i'm not remembering.
I'm also getting a sense I may have zoned out when i was younger cause i'm remembering strange instances of people saying i said things i didn't say and it's not like something that would likely be lied about to get me in trouble, i'm realizing how much fear i had regarding certain things that doesn't really make sense, and i also recall having a sort of regression when i was like 13, that i had forgot about. my counselor said i dissociated so i guess it makes sense that there was probably a reason for it. so i'm kind of glad i'm starting to piece some stuff together, and it's all really random so i don't think i'm creating memories, well i know i'm not creating any of the solid memories but i don't think i'm even creating any of the feelings/links... but i'm still interested to see what i remember. but some part of me is a bit scared i might remember something i don't want to, like maybe there was a reason i blocked it out. so part of me is hoping there's nothing more than the few memories i do have and that it's just me looking for something not there. i feel strangely calm about it though.
Our oven is still dead... so I'm making dorowat for dinner in the slow cooker... so for 3 hors now I've been running back and forth to the kitchen to add stuff and regulate the tempurature and stuff lol
I don't know what to do at the moment, I'm so mixed up. Mercy has gone away, I think, but now there's Mandi, who is just hyper and controlling. I don't want to be so confused just by living in my own world.
:S
Look, she's giving you the entirely wrong idea of me. We just need to get away, and like take a train or something, and go somewhere, like a city. I'm just making her safe. She's not safe here. She's annoyed I'm talking to girls on the internet. I don't see why I shouldn't, I mean she's got a boyfriend, I don't. Just because we are in the same body.
Last edited by Olive branch : 14-02-2010 at 07:31 PM.
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
I was certain I'd posted on here today. *Rolls eyes at self/s*
Wigglemuffin - I am not in a position to diagnose you, and I would very much recommend that you speak to your mental health professional or GP about what you are going through. However, it does sound like you are experience dissociative symptoms. There are different types of dissociation. If you look it up on Wiki you will find explanations of the different dissociative disorders, which you may find useful. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, as dissociation is distressing and confusing. I hope that you can get some help with this soon.
Frozen - I can really relate to what you are saying, as I am going through a period of remembering things at the moment. I also dissociated a lot as a child. As a consequence most of my childhood memories feature a big blank and some loud thoughts or floating away. Try not to worry about remembering things, as your mind isn't going to just chuck a load of memories at you - recalling repressed memories will happen gradually, at a pace that you are able to cope with.
Shadow - how's your day been?
Olive - I don't think I've met you before, hello! Sorry to hear that things are so confusing for you right now. Are you getting any professional help with this?
***
I've been keeping myself very busy today because I have so much on my mind left to my own devices I would have just sat and stared at the wall all day. I can't stop thinking and worrying and unpicking the past and doubting myself and wishing I knew for sure what happened to me. It's driving me literally insane and I don't know how much longer I can cope with it.
I've also been thinking today about DID and schizophrenia. What if that first psych was right, and I am paranoid schiz? The thing that gets me is that I do have delusions and auditory/ visual/ tactile hallucinations and paranoia. There are voices that are part of me and a whole load of voices that are outside of me. Schiz does not explain the switching, but DD does not explain the hallucinations and delusions. Maybe the switching is a delusion? Or maybe an alter is schizophrenic? The conclusive evidence (as far as I managed to work out from my psych in the midst of a severe manic episode) was the fact that I did not respond to the three types of anti psychotics I tried.
I went to sleep last night terrified of the man who watches me and sits on my bed (regular hallucination I've had for well over a year) and I woke up really early this morning convinced that he had walked in. I'm really tired now.
That sounds really tough, we wondered for a while about schizophrenia, though that was worse when Mercy was here. I hated her, she was evil.
I hope you find a way to make the hallucenations go away.
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
We have beensleeping most of today unsure why we are so tired
the little ones are feeling sad at the moment
we are getting pizza tonight for dinner the littles love pizza so that should cheer them up a little
Ella has hallucinations there mostly of some of our abusers
some times her husband face changes to one of the abusers witch is scary for her and she hear voices from outside her head
Ah for f**ks sake, I'm so sick of my stupid brain making me super clumsy. I'm used to the normal level of walking into everything... But I just dropped my phone down the toilet, and it's not the first phone this has happened to either. Urggggghhhhhhhh. And the most stupid thing is that I was all blank when I did it and I just stood there for ages staring at it in the water, instead of immediately grabbing it back out. What an idiot.
Olive - hope you are doing ok. What you got planned for the evening?
Atomics - hope you all enjoy the pizza! Hope you feel more refreshed and full of energy tomorrow, a rest day is always good. Sorry to hear about hallucinations of the abuser. That's the thing though with mine - some of them are more clearly "dissociative psychosis", like related to whatever I am thinking about or stuff from my past, but some of them are just totally random, like banshees and goblins and people's heads falling off and stuff. And of course the stereotypical bugs on the walls.
Shadow - hope you can get the drive sorted, that must be very annoying.
Labyrinth - I hope you're ok and that your mind rescues you from feeling so low. If you want talk, feel free.
im confused as to whether there's anything wrong and whether i should tell anyone about the weird occurrences with my memory. my bf says i've been acting like a completely different person the last few days, maybe i've been in some sort of severe mood swing episode? it's fuzzy but i do remember some of it. it's weird, like i know i have memory lapses but i'll like subconsciously fill in the blanks so i start to think i never actually had any memory lapse. but today i was reading an LJ post i made last night. i remember posting it, but it talked about how i was feeling all scared/paranoid of people in the midst of my episode and right before i had been convinced that i hadn't been paranoid for several days. so i guess my memory is more fuzzy then i'd like to admit.
other thing i notice is when i act one way, i'll mostly think/remember things from specific times of my life. it's like my life is in pieces and i have to be in the mood i was in during that period to really remember the details. it's not like it's completely missing if i am not in that mood, but it's fairly hazy and it's like the memory isn't quite mine. and i tend to remember just the facts, not the emotions involved with that time period. does that make any sense?
When I studied psychology, we did a section on learning and stuff, and there was this thing about how your mind can only recall things in the same state as when it remembered it originally. So if you were revising for an exam drunk, you wouldn't be able to recall the information during the exam if you were sober. I often find that when I have lost time, I can remember it again later when I dissociate again. When I got arrested a couple of months ago I couldn't remember anything and my whole interview consisted of "I'm really sorry but I just don't know, I don't remember". Then back at the hospital I let myself completely dissociate and my mind remembered what I had done (actually, what Holly had done) and I wrote it down and sent it off to the police.
It sounds like things are pretty hazy for you at the moment, and although it might not seem very significant to you, it's important that you keep your mental health professionals up to date with any changes whatsoever in your mental state. So I would advise that you tell your CPN or whoever when you see them. When you're in a fuzzy state, sometimes you can put yourself at risk and not realise it, so it's very important to make sure that those who support you know what is going on. I hope you're ok.
According to my eBay account I just bought a new phone. Oops.
thanks, that makes sense. yeah my case manager tried to call me, i just have to make myself call her back now! strange thing is i've actually been much safer behavior wise lately as far as I'm aware. I self harmed a few weeks ago, but i haven't been really suicidal since before i stopped meds in november. so i'm afraid they're going to tell me to go back on meds but it's obvious to me that meds are not the answer for my particular issues. so that's part of the reason i'm scared to talk to them.
Out of interest, what is your actual diagnosis? I've been on loads of different anti psychotics and other meds, but they eventually decided that my problems are psychological, and so can't be treated with medication. Maybe it's the same for you, I don't know, but express your concerns to your case manager, as you have the right to refuse medication.
I'm stopping my hypnotherapy. I won't clog up this thread, I've made a different thread for it in Serious.
i've had many diagnoses. the most prevalent one was bipolar, but the more recent ones were most likely schizoaffective. they've talked about dissociation but as far as i know never put a label on it. unfortunately they don't talk to me much about the diagnosis. so yeah i really don't know what's wrong!
That's frustrating. Do you want to know what your diagnosis is, or are you happy not to be labelled?
I spent my evening volunteering at a Mencap social group that I do one evening a week. The music was horribly loud and there was food. I spent most of the night hiding curled up in a toilet cubicle. All the littles in my head were crying. I feel useless.
agh!!! I wish they would could and fix our oven... it's been broken a week... a week of having no oven and no hob... what do they expect us to eat exactly? What do they expect me to do when my main "hobby" it baking??? gah! sorry, needed to get that out... the little ones realised it was pnacke day tomorrow and I had to explain to them tht we can't make pancakes... they are now upset...
What's Mancap? You're not useless, it's understandable that you'd have found that stressful and hard
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so got 2 weeks to re-make it all
