Ash, could it be the being in love that's making things so turbulent physically for you, as a kind of protection instead of the emotional?
Today I feel like all the different parts of my body aren't connected centrally. My arms and legs feel apart from me, and my head. Like I'm scattered in all directions. Taking another dose of my remedy has helped some, but it's still there somewhat. Maybe it's because I'm so aware of the different parts of me, and something in me is resisting that?
Labyrinth,
I understand your fear. It's a real catch 22. You don't want everyone to be stuck inside, because it feels strange, perhaps wrong without their presence, however distant, but you also don't want them to come out full force... When you've been sort of on your own for a while, the thought of losing time, switching out is really scary, particularly when you don't know what is going on inside...
If you are concerned someone is going to come out, perhaps write a note (big and somewhere obvious) just letting them know what is going on, (just throwing ideas around here,) tell them you didn't want them to be stuck inside, that you didn't put up the barrier, and that you want them to have some time out but just don't want it to be destructive...
I was sure I'd been in love before, and this didn't happen then... But this person.... I've loved her for years, just never thought anything could EVER happen. I'd resigned myself that it couldn't, tried to block it out.... She was my dream woman.... And now that it's here, that i can touch her (not talking sexually) and hold her... It's even better, SO much better than I'd imagined... Amazing...
But it's really complicated, there are so many things blocking our relationship.... We haven't even defined it/us yet. For a start she is... quite a bit older than me... And (or the record) she isn't taking advantage of me at all... I can trust her, she's proven to me over the years that I can...
I can't tell anyone about us yet, and I thought it would really suck, 'cause when you are happy you want to tell people, share it... But it's really special having this thing that is all ours, all mine...
It definitely could be that your awareness of other parts of you has expanded, it might not necessarily be you resisting it, it might be your mind/body just trying to adjust to the new information. Trying to get in sync with it all...
How are you feeling today? Any less disconnected?
I'm glad the remedy helped.
*thinking of you and sending hugs* (only if ok of course) :)
It turned out it was-is my awareness of the internal conflicts between passivity, aggression, assertion. I was also really exhausted. Had a long, good night's sleep last night, and am resting today.
Hey everyone *waves* Just thought I'd pop in as I haven't been around for a while. Been in one of my cutting-myself-off-from-the-world phases.
Hazel - how did psychotherapy go?? I really hope they decide to help you. You deserve to get better hun
Bleeding Black - sorry to hear that things are difficult for you at the moment. I hope that your mum has stopped getting on at you for information. I guess she's just trying to understand and help, but it's such a personal thing and it can make it worse to share things about how it all works for you. I'm so pleased for you to hear about being in love I agree with Stellata though, that the new and powerful emotions could be making things more turbulent for you.
Labyrinth - I hope you're ok, sounds horrible for you at the moment. Have you told your CPN/ psych about things being worse? Maybe it would be helpful to keep a diary if you don't already just to get things out. Doesn't always help, but sometimes I find it's useful to get things out so they aren't just all going round and round and round all trapped in my head. In any case I hope things get better for you soon.
Stellata - glad to hear you had a good rest. I hope that things get better for you and that you have a more peaceful day today.
**
I've had two sessions of hypnotherapy now. So far hasn't brought up anything new and I'm still learning to trust the therapist. But I'm getting used to the way it works. Plus I've been hallucinating a lot more, especially at night time, and finding myself switching more as well which hasn't happened much in the past few weeks. So I guess that's a sign that something must be happening up there in that crazy enigma that is my mind... I hope so. I'm a bit scared though... I know it'll get worse before it gets better, but I've not been out of hospital long and it's nice being more stable... But I'm also kind of intrigued in a distanced sort of way to find out what's made me so f**ked up. Maybe it's just the way I am, or maybe I've repressed whatever it is. Time will tell I guess.
shadow-light,
I think it will definitely be worth it, you will finally be getting the support you deserve and need!
I don't know what their reasoning is, but for a diagnosis of DID they need to witness the switching, among other things. If it helps prove to them what is going on for you, and gets you the suitable treatment.....
It can take a really long while to get support for DID cause at the start barely even you know what is going on, let alone the psych's. But once you get there it is so worth it. Our T helps us so much...
Thinking of you.
Labyrinth above ^ is the reason they generally want to witness the switching, so they can know what is really going on and get you the right care. But it can feel like you are on display..
One good thing about your experience with your psych seeing Kat D out was that you were co-conscious with her - that's a plus!
Shadow-light,
Yeah it can feel a bit wrong.... Why did it feel wrong for you?
I mean, it could feel wrong (in the sense of getting the diagnosis) that they have to sort of 'see' it to believe that you have DID. That bothers me cause its like you need to 'prove' yourself to them...But on the other hand, allowing them to see another part/alter will give them the information to get you the most helpful therapy.
If you have a stable/protector type, that might be a good way to go, the part coming out won't be caught up in the situation of having to "prove" themselves to the psychiatrist... Does that make sense?
Sorry if that wasn't helpful, I just wanted to reply and let you know I (and of course we:P are thinking of you...
Ash and lostboys
Labyrinth,
I know you said you couldn't communicate with her (your old psych) but i was wondering whether it was you feeling uncomfortable talking to her or that she wasn't a good psych...
I just (my opinion) feel like you need some support, some support that is going to help, and support you like you deserve.
Do you have any medications that help you sleep? I guess you might not if you haven't seen your psych in a while..
Also does panadol/nurofen help with those headaches?
Have the alters been around since the blockage? Perhaps they are trying to get through.. Do you have internal communication? If you do, I'd defintely ask, see if they know anything about what was going on..
Hazel - I felt the same with my psych during my last stay at the ward. They just wouldn't take my word for it. I found that it was helpful to bring him examples of stuff that the others have written as well. It's a weird situation though, because although it's good that they don't want to rush into things and want to check that they are giving the right diagnosis and therapy etc, it kind of changes how you behaviour because it's almost like having to perform. In any case I hope it goes well and that it leads to you getting the help that you deserve with the minimum of waiting.
Labyrinth - I'm really sorry to hear how hard things are for you. Do you have a CPN to whom you could express your concerns about your psych? Is there another psych on your MH team that you could switch to?
**
I've been busy today doing volunteering and stuff. Feel pretty knackered but that's a good thing. Had to leave the light on again though last night, was another bad one. Some pervy guy sitting on my bed terrifying.
I know it's silly... but I have a thing about people thinking I'm lying... and so this whole proving thing is making me paranoid about the psychs and them thinking that i'm making things up...
That and to be honest it just feels wrong anyone witnessing the switching... Or at least wrong when they know about it anyway... I get scared about what will go on when I'm not there, or what they will say to the psychs... I mean we've already had Michelle threaten a psychologist
shadow-light.
That makes complete sense. The words forming in my head were exactly that having to 'prove' yourself. Which feels horrible, and doesn't help with trying to be settled enough for a switch to happen, else it makes it more complicated if an aggressive part comes out.
The thing about people lying is really quite common, and i don't think it is weird at all. I mean all of us abuse survivors, whether by external people or by ourselves have a ground in 'you aren't allowed to tell ANYONE' and quite often there are things said, again by other or ourselves, 'no one will believe you' and some of us have actually had the experience where we haven't been believed, so it isn't a surprise that we're so afraid of people thinking we are lying/not being believed.
I'm sorry it's such a sucky situation...
What do you think you can do to make it easier?
Could you tell the new psych person what you feel before the session really begins? Or write it? That might seem pretty scary...
And yeah - the whole original point of DID is that it's completely unnoticeable. A "successful" (i use quotation marks, because this is not healthy, nor going to give the person with DID/the DID system a healthy or full life)-Anyway, a "successful" DID system would never be found out by anyone, not anyone around them, or the DID person them self. And it's really hard to break down that barrier, the thoughts/messages about not telling, not being believed, people thinking you are lying, even when it is for helpful reasons.
Which is exactly why abusers tell you these things even if it is only indirectly..- some go further, 'don't tell anyone, no one will believe you, they'll think you are crazy and lock you up, I'll kill your family", but that is for THEIR protection, not yours, YOU are the one that needs safety, support and care...
Sorry if i went off on strange tangents.
Labyrinth,
I'm sorry, but I'm echoing banana's sentiments. Do you have someone else on your care team you can talk to about your psych? Or switch to another?
Anti-psychotic medications can help you sleep, and some help with anxiety but it isn't going to help you much at all in the long run.
I hear that you aren't managing, and i think you really need some support, because living on painkillers isn't a good way to get through the days.
Have you looked at your options in terms of your psych/treatment? You can always ask to be referred.
Hope you are ok
Hello all. The therapist told us to email her letting her know what is going on, so I was elected the messenger, as she and I are more acquainted than the others. We are dealing with the total and complete collapse of Megan's mental health. She withdrew from college classes this semester and we have been getting her through the day.
It pains me to hear that things aren't going well for some of you, but I am certain Megan will be back to reply on her own.
Hey guys, hope you are all well and having a calm day.
Shadow - As I think someone already said, it might be worth expressing your worries to the psych before the session. Then they will be aware that you need to be put at ease and just how stressful the situation is for you. I suppose they might not really have thought through the impact of having to "prove yourself", especially considering your history, as Lost Boys has said. It's best to express your worries to someone, even if it's too scary for that too be your psych. Things always get worse when you bottle them up. Hugs
Labyrinth - I'm really sorry to hear how hard things are for you. You deserve to get help and get better dear. Maybe it would be worth seeing whoever is in charge of your medication, to see whether things can be changed to help you sleep. Certainly a lack of sleep is not going to help you at all during the day. I hope you get some sleep today.
Lost Boys - how are you doing at the moment?
Facet - sending my care and support to Megan and hoping that she is holding on ok.
**
I had hypnotherapy this morning. Managed to get in a little bit deeper, but my barriers are so strong it's very difficult to get past all of the trivial crap. I get incredibly anxious and panicky and I just want to go. It's a good thing I'm put in a hypnotic state to be honest because otherwise I'd just run! The thing is that I don't know what has caused all my problems. I have a terrible sick feeling all the time that it is going to be something absolutely dreadful. In a lot of ways it would be a hell of a lot of sense, but in other ways it wouldn't fit into the reality of my kind and supportive parents. I don't know. If it turns out that there is nothing dark and sinister lurking in my past, it will be just as hard to be honest, because I will have to deal with the fact that I don't have anything to blame for my illnesses. Or what if the mystery thing never comes out, that it's so deeply repressed that I can't get at it?
I keep forgetting things. could i be dissociating and not knowing it? it's like pieces are blank. i've depersonalized before but i'm noticing more memory loss without feeling weird.
We have a very specific trigger (golden retriever dogs) and there's one currently at uni. But we can't complain because it's a guide dog and the person needs it to help them.
And it seems to be following us around. Every lecture or lab class - it's in there with us. There's nothing we can do, and Shadow's already had a panic attack on the crowded tube today, so they're not here to take class and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
Maybe it's to support you in understanding that whilst it's the same breed as what traumatised you in some way in the past, it's not the same actual animal/s.
![[Fog]'s Avatar](images/avatars/12 - Copy.gif)
I agree with Stellata though, that the new and powerful emotions could be making things more turbulent for you. 
