We have a predominantly male system, but we have a couple of girls, some non-human parts; pixies, wolves, dogs and an evil spirt-type alter.
It's not abnormal at all to have a part of yourself that is of the opposite gender, it is very common.
When you get to know different parts you will often discover there is a good reason for not only the gender they are but their behaviors/characteristics.
Shadow-light
It makes sense that you keep forgetting our minds often have us "forget" things that we are worried about/afraid of or don't want to do don't they?
We're still in hospital, it's been 5-6 weeks now.
We're leaving on the 5th of December.
At 2pm today we have an appointment with our Dr - when we are inpatient we see her nearly everyday - and we've been inviting parts to come out in therapy and talk to T and it has actually worked.
It's been quite scary - the feeling we get (the sort of "going inside" feeling) with the parts from the labyrinth (ntl2) is much different to the sensation from the other networks.
But they have been coming forward and communicating which is good.
At the end of the session when Ashton comes back apart from getting 'left over' type feelings/pain he says there is a sense of relief. Good sign *thumbs up*
We've had Blue, Aspen and someone else come out to talk to T, and Tao has been writing. We (T and us) have gained a lot of information about them, there experiences and roles which is helpful since apart from a few names and bits of writing we had next to nothing.
Blue spoke about not having freedom; not allowed to want things, need things, show feelings, not allowed to tell, he said he was afraid of getting into trouble for talking to her (T) and she said she hoped he was ok, she seemed a little concerned...
Anyway we have group soon, so we'll go.
Hope everyone is ok.
lostboys
BB that sounds like amazing progress - we're glad you've managed to have so much more communication opened up within your system.
We're feeling very disconnected.. as if nothing is real. This 'temporary' halt in counselling has produced some really strong feelings of abandonment and isolation insystem, and we're trying really hard to contain them but it's not working so well. Feeling really depressed lately and it's getting hard to breathe again. Someone cut recently, and the urge to do so again is getting hard to push out of our thoughts. Don't want to feel like this any longer.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
Sorry I've been absent for a while, things have been crazy busy.
I saw something about gender differences among alters, and I thought I'd just respond and say I have one male alter, older, that I know of. He's kind of the protecter of the more vulnerable ones.
BB - I'm glad you are able to do such intense work in the hospital :) I hope everything continues to go well, and you're in my thoughts.
Scath - I'm sorry things feel so bad. Have you tried any grounding techniques to try to manage the feeling of being disconnected? Sorry this was a useless reply. Thinking of you.
Things have been stressful on my end, but I'm managing, and with somewhat limited dissociation, which is a good sign, though a bit frightening, because it leaves me feeling on my own.
I hear you Hazel and all, and I've seen your thread. I just.. don't know what to say. If only I knew of a safe way through for you all. Women's Aid/Refuge might be able to help, as it is basically domestic violence after all. They provide free legal advice and such as well as maybe practical support in having a safe place to go.
Thanks for replying Facet, we're hoping things are going ok for you even if it's stressful.
We've been doing grounding exercises to help with the disconnectedness, but it's only just keeping us going... We're going to see the doctor on monday and hopefully get referred to the mental health team that our counsellor was in contact with - she's looking to get us diagnosis of DID as she's not able to diagnose us herself. But she called a halt to the counselling while that's happening because we're 'not safe'. Don't quite understand the reasoning behind that decision to be honest.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
So.. doctor's appointment this evening. Went ok. Getting referred to the next set of people now.
I just feel stressed and exhausted, but I can't remember any of the revision I've done for my exam tomorrow so I'm trying to re-read all my notes... and none of it's sinking in.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
therapy was interesting today...i got emotional when describing these "moods" that i sink into sometimes. when i feel otherworldly, not myself, dark, absent, scary. when i look fiercely into the mirror searching my eyes trying to find something or someone i recognize. when i feel like hunching down on all fours and growling or curling up and screaming. just out of control. she says its the depersonalization and to work on more grounding techniques. i find it hard to believe that twiddling a rock in my fingers will make me feel better in those situations.
"you can't take a picture of this, it's already gone"
Hazel, we're keeping you in our thoughts and hoping that you all survive this month. *offers hugs if you want them*
Mothra19, it does sound a bit weird that a rock might help when you're faced with such strong emotions, but grounding techniques have helped us stay in the present and counter dissociation/flashbacks. Maybe a rock isn't the best thing for you to use (we have a soft, fluffy toy) but the idea behind it makes sense to us. Takes practise though, expecially when you're not feeling depersonalized already as it's hard to remember a techniques when you're in the middle of a crisis.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mothra19
when i look fiercely into the mirror searching my eyes trying to find something or someone i recognize.
Some of us can really identify with this; it's so alienating and unsettling to not see yourself in the mirror. *hugs*
We're feeling a little better, thanks Katie. Exam went much better than Shadow anticipated which seems to have lifted our mood a bit slightly and got us feeling more productive - so we've actually found the motivation to continue with some uni work and housework.
Struggling still with the counsellor's decision.. we know we're going on about it, but it really hurts that she would do this. Especially since the week before she'd been promising Rebe (child alter) that she wasn't going to leave. We've got no support now except our partner, and she's insanely stressed out from work already so we don't want to burden her with our problems.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
not the right place to put this... but.. we're going to the police tomorrow to report our abuser.. a lot of fear. and confusion. thoughts are disjointed, flowing backwards and forwards instead of one to the other. this isnt a choice we've made, but a choice that's been forced on us. we're not happy with it. we're scared and it will hurt. we will have to use the 'R' word and talk about Baby. we will have to tell them about all the things that we've done, all the disgusting dirty things that make up our life. we don't want to go. we don't want to go.
Lara
feeling feral. feeling like, if I were an animal, I'd be crouching and baring my teeth. I bared my teeth once. I was scared and I responded exactly like an animal. He does that to me. He looks at me and I feel like a rabbit and hes about to run me over. I don't want to go to the police. a decision has been made without full consulting. makes me angry and upset. i know none of us got a choice but i dont want to go. everything will change. the policemen will laugh at us. they will call us dirty, and fat. policemen are bad. we have learned this. we have been TRAINED to know this. policemen make you do things and tell you it's okay and you have to believe them because they're policemen. so they're dangerous, because you don't knwo when theyre lying. i dont want to go
Last edited by bobbiwibble : 03-12-2009 at 05:32 PM.
Reason: more
I was just wondering if I could get a few opinions on something (I know I ask too many questions... sorry about that, I will start replying to oters mor I promise)
basically Sarah has been drawing a lot of naked women with wiings recsently... and when she was asked about it she clamed that they were memories from "little Sarah"...
Shadow light,
It is really hard to answer your question, because what we might be able to explain about one of our parts drawing those pictures would be completely different to how it is for your parts and system.
All we can think is to ask more questions.
Do you know much about Sarah or "little Sarah"?
Could you ask them what it means - whether through writing/journaling or an internal communication?
Did you, as a child have any thoughts or feelings related to women with wings?
I don't really remeber much before the age of 16 so no idea on the last question
sarah is pretty active and we know a fair amount about her, but this "little sarahh" thing makes no sense as sarah is 16 and as far as I know there are no littles in our system called sarah...
So far sarah is being very secretive about the meaning of the pictures... I'm thinking maybe she'll reveil it all eventually... maybe I just need to learn to be patient
We are finally out of hospital after 8 weeks of intensive therapy.
Boy it was hard.
But we made a lot of progress.
Parts from the labyrinth (ntl2) made contact with T during sessions and some to her about their memories; in brief, quite afraid of 'breaking the rules', also talked about what some of the rules were, gave her some information on how the labyrinth was laid out internally, some bits about who is able to talk with who. 4 parts spoke to her directly, and a few other indirectly; passed on messages and written stuff.
In the hospital we met a bunch of people. Adolescents; two of which weren't nice; disruptive, inconsiderate and not as unwell as they made out to be, four girls who at different points told us they had crushes on Ash (our host). We met a 'cunning predator' (our T's words), and a wonderful woman, whom in the five weeks we've known each other, have embarked on a journey of kinship :D. She is fantastic.
It was an extremely helpful admission overall.
Now we are home. We are relieved to be away from the hospital and the craziness of teenage girls. We don't mean crazy in the literal term, just the kind of crazy a group of adolescent girls can get when bunched together in a small space. Awesome girls, just full-on!
We're pretty baffled by some of the feedback we've gotten over the past 8 weeks. Positive stuff....
This is something we posted elsewhere, during the hospital stay:
The following content has been hidden - Reason : long and - well, long
"We are getting along much better with the adults than the adolescents, we pretty much always have really; probably to do with needing to grow up fast and adapting to those around you....
Point being, several of the adults (absolutely lovely ladies), two of the guys and almost all of the adolescent girls, have told us (though most of them don't know about the DID) that we are an 'incredibly bright young man' 'articulate' 'polite' 'kind', 'gentle', 'sweet', 'caring', 'genuine' 'a champion' 'any girl would be lucky to have you' 'nicest guy i've ever met' - all beautiful positive things.....
....but they seem to be affecting us negatively.
A nurse (whom...we've sort of loved for around 5 year now) told us that words can't hurt us unless we let them - which ultimately is true (takes work of course) but we were astounded at how..... bad we felt...
Is it because we don't believe them?
because we feel we have to live up to that?
We aren't sure.
But we often feel like compliments and kind words have the opposite effect intended on us."
Anyway for a couple of days we couldn't deal with it. So we blocked it out.
We did get to a point where we weren't negatively affected by the words as well.
We spoke to our Dr/T about it. We told her we'd been hearing all these positive things from people around us. We told her that we were quite...flabbergasted at the way people were experiencing us.
That it was so different from what we were used to.
After T asked Ash what we thought of it, I (ash) said that i feel more confident within myself than i have before, not to a huge degree, but there is a difference. I said it must be something I'm putting out there. T said I was much more 'open' in terms of not closing myself off from people, and much more reflective, rather than reactive.... It was an interesting conversation..
So now we have met these girls, and more than half of them have told Ash they have crushes on him....
It's just not something he/i/we can grasp, the huge difference in how people relate to us, and most likely the way we relate.
Anyway HUGE RANT. Apologies
We hope everyone is doing ok.
Take care all
lostboys
When reading what you wrote about compliments and why you all find them so hard, I thought your insights made a lot of sense. I also wondered about another one - that having all these attractive qualities... well... attracts people. Maybe you're (understandably) frightened that people might want to get close to you, to want to know you, and then, perhaps a part of you wonders if they will then hurt you. I'm not sure, it's an idea that I could identify in myself.
Clearly you used your admission well and you worked hard there, and I hope that you feel a little less hunted than you seemed before.
hazel, things like that often represent something, I think. it doesnt necessarily mean 'women with wings' and definitely not as a memory.... sorry i cant be much help :(
*hugs labyrinth* I hope you managed to get some peace.
well we spoke to the police, eventually. not too sure how to feel about that. but it seems to have stirred things up, seff has been missing for a while now, or sneaking around and lottie hasnt seen her. but lottie is talking about someone new called 'lissie' and says that she cant have seffy back now because 'there are only two chairs and lissie doesnt want to sit on the floor'
not sure if lissie is real or lottie's 'imaginary friend' to cope with losing seffy. lottie's been acting very strangely, said some horrible things about a friend and bit my boyfriend... :/ luckily he mainly thought it was funny but I dont like the her of her losing control because she is far more in charge than me. will have to watch her - and 'lissie'
so no idea on the last question 