We don't mean to draw the focus to ourselves - sorry...
We're having a rough time, using lots of distractions and things because otherwise we are being constantly caught up in waves of craziness - rapid switching, leading to terrible memory/information recall, headaches, very little focus, memories/images flooding, lots of talking/yelling/crying etc inside.
We're doing lots of work with our Dr, lots of hard stuff.
We're VERY scared at the moment.
Some younger parts from the deepest sub-system we know of have been writing a bit. We've got a little bit of communication with them - through writing, or stuff they tell us inside, though they can't hear us when we reply. We think that is because they are much deeper in our consciousness - like a whole other wavelength.
We've had communications (to and fro) about trust and belief.
What it is safe to talk about (or in their opinion NOT safe to talk about) with T. They are afraid of being hurt again, which we understand, and we acknowledge the possibility. (We aren't stupid).
But they are terrified that a) they will get hurt or killed cause the people who hurt us will know we've talked (which happened before) b) That T won't believe us and think we are making it up
and c) That T will think we are crazy and have us locked up (more so than the clinic/hospital we are in now).
How do you tell your T things that are so... horrific, seemingly unbelievable and raw.... they are terrified, completely terrified but also are hurting SO much they don't know how to cope anymore.....
*hides*
BB :( that sounds like such a lot to deal with. I identify with points b. and c. very much to the point that after years of intensive therapy, I still hold myself in a place where the fear is too much to talk and share and face things. But... it's also meant I held myself in a prison. I'm stuck and can't move forward.
I don't know how you would go about coaxing deeper parts to feel safe enough to slowly share what's going on... particularly if they can't hear you and the others. Maybe another person who understands on this thread will be able to help with that. Can they hear your T? Can you hear your T when she tells you she believes you? I imagine you've told your T so much of your pain and terrible experiences in the past, and she(?) has never not believed you, or sent you anywhere scarier than hospital... trust is a hard thing to give when you have been so hurt, in such danger.
I'm really stuck with how you communicate that with the younger parts... I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you all.
They are very intuitive, these parts so the slightest hint that T doesn't believe them sets them off (has happened already) so it seems they are really feeling like they are on unsteady ground. We're not sure what to do, because we don't know that T will believe them, and that is the most important part it seems....
Course when they told one thing T asked whether it was an internal fantasy construct, conveying horrific things that happened, but in a sort of fantasy way. Which flipped them right out and they want to punish themselves for trusting her even a little bit.
She said she doesn't think anyone is lying/making it up, she was wondering what type of experience it was, whether it was a physical thing that happened in the external world (fact) or an internal construct of something else that happened. She said she was open to being corrected, but that didn't have a profound effect on them....
Oh that sounds difficult to palate... I haven't had nearly such traumatic incidences but fear of this kind of response silences me too. Yeah. Hmm.
I've heard that every memory we have is influenced by our adult states of mind, and is therefore slightly skewed... but the memories are real, undeniable, regardless. Also I'm not sure if that would even count for other parts.
Thank you Laura, :) (missed your post, should have refreshed the page)
We write to and fro, we leave stuff on the computer/in journals open and they write back sometimes - so we have that. And we think they do hear T, because they've mentioned things she has said, but T hasn't said about this stuff 'I believe you' so there isn't anything to go on there...
We're sorry you can relate, it's a horrible thing to be so bound by the agonizing secrets you keep... and trust... trust is SO hard....
T is the first person we've trusted that hasn't abused that trust in one way or another, so we're learning what trust means from people. We are very loyal and trustworthy (we've been told so quite often) but we cannot trust others.... when you've had so much betrayal, so mcuh broken trust and no one who was truly trustworthy... what do you base it on?
It's all about learning it. Which we are doing slowly. We've gotten quite a way since we started therapy though. :)
Yeah, we've heard that too.
The way the brain processes traumatic memories is different to how it processes 'normal' (stupid word) memories. They're so full, intense and raw, emotion/pain etc.
But yeah....
is your T aware of how much her questioning what they brought forward effected them?
I think I can semi-understand why she was asking... apparently quite often abusers try to imprint "fake" events into peoples heads through the use of pictures or videos. Make the person believe it's happened when it has not type thing... of course that does not in any way make it any less distressing or even less real.
Also sometimes truamatic memories are stored in a sort of simbolic way... like the real memory is there but as a form of self protection is it altered into a lump of symbols and ideas which can in time sort of form into a "memory" of their own (tthe brain is an amazing and in many ways stupid thing)
trust is a hard thing. To be honest I have more been abandoned than abused by those I have trusted in the past, but nw this has lead to me refusing to trust anyone and almost tryig to push people away, sort o to make them leave on my terms and not theres
not having a great day today I've gotten up as boyfriend is going to uni soon nd I get scared in bed alone, bt I have't actually slept yet so redicullasly tired but nothing I can do about it... eant to start uni in less than half an hour, but not even showered yet and it's a 40min walk so guess not going...
got a psychology appointment at 4, she's got a guy who has some experiance with treating DID to come and sit it. Don't like meeting new people lol
Hey shadowlight
Yeah, the mind/brain is pretty incredible.
I'm not sure how much they understand what she was trying to explain, the ones that were around/did the writing were young, so that was an added complication.
I understand what she meant, and why she asked the questions. She said as well that she was just hypothesizing because the piece of information wasn't full, so she was throwing ideas around.
They did respond ok to when i explained (on paper) what she was trying to say. I'm not sure whether it was because I used simpler words, or they'd had some time to process it all.
They did recognize to us that a part of the piece of writing (which I'd gathered already) was symbolic - leaving a part of themselves in that situation, being depicted as a dead child....
Yeah, the mind/brain is pretty incredible.
I'm not sure how much they understand what she was trying to explain, the ones that were around/did the writing were young, so that was an added complication.
I understand what she meant, and why she asked the questions. She said as well that she was just hypothesizing because the piece of information wasn't full, so she was throwing ideas around.
They did respond ok to when i explained (on paper) what she was trying to say. I'm not sure whether it was because I used simpler words, or they'd had some time to process it all.
They did recognize to us that a part of the piece of writing (which I'd gathered already) was symbolic - leaving a part of themselves in that situation, being depicted as a dead child....
So we'll see what happens when we see T tomorrow.
We're sorry you haven't slept yet, being sleepless and exhausted doesn't help the mental state.
Could you arrive at uni a little late? Would that be better than missing it altogether?
Course if you aren't up to it, you aren't up to it.
We know what you mean about trust - we actually had trust as a topic in group today.
We have big issues with it too, as we think all abuse/trauma survivors do.
It's a biggie.
Take care shadowlight
lostboys
Last edited by bleeding black : 09-11-2009 at 10:33 AM.
Reason: had to go get coke and came back... :)
We have some females inside too, and they are generally not the most active (fronting) parts, so don't have a huge issue with the gender of the body, but we have had these problems in the past. Would it make it easier if you were able to wear some clothes (when you were out) that are more applicable to you/gender?
I wear all male clothes... not amazingly non-gendered, but with a short hair cut and careful copying on other guys' behaviour in how to sit and walk and stuff I pass roughly 50% of the time as a guy.
It's just the whole period thing. And blood. And that area. And the crippling pain that tends to last about 5 days. And the fact that I'm not a girl, so this shouldn't be happening.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bleeding black
How do you tell your T things that are so... horrific, seemingly unbelievable and raw....
we don't know.. we looking for a way. need to tell our T about it, but she won't believe us no way no way. it's too bad, we were too bad.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
Labyrinth
Do you think that because you are feeling so shi**y that maybe it would be a particularly good idea to go to and see your psych?
Sorry things are hard...
scath,
Is it possible for those 5 days you could have a female part out? Or even just when you go to the bathroom if it is that distressing?
Also, you can get painkiller type medication (over counter) for your period that apparently helps, our ex girlfriend used to get very bad pain too, and this helped.
Labyrinth: Do you think maybe you do feel a bit bad though? If you're dissociating alot then things cant be that great. maybe if you feel like your T isnt really helping, you could possibly discuss this with her? and say that maybe it would help you more if she did x, y and z. because in the end, they are there to help you, and so im sure if you said something, its basically her job to listen to you? i dont know, i dont really know much about the relationship you have with her, but its just a suggestion. sorry if its a silly suggestion.
BB: Im really sorry you're finding things so hard at the moment. I know therapy and talking about bad stuff can be extremely difficult, and bring up alot of emotions and memories and stuff. but i hope your appointment went ok and you're feeling even a little bit better.
Scath: You havnt been bad at all. its them that have been bad, and im sure your therapist will believe you. I hope you're ok...
Things have been really hard recently, i cant remember if ive said that on here recently, but the last 4 days have just been so tough. Im literally putting all my energy into just not trying to kill myself. Its so hard though. Its like when you need to self harm and its just so hard to resist so you just give in eventually. except its like i need to take an overdose, and resisting it is just taking up all my energy.
alot of bad memories have come to the forefront at the moment. I just cant seem to shake them. every night i feel terrified to go to bed. if i could not sleep then i wouldnt. i took 2 sleeping tablets about 3 hours ago, and here i am, still awake. i just dont understand. nothing seems to work.
also recently ive been doing stuff that i dont remember doing. its like i go to do something, and its already been done, or my emails have been opened and i dont remember reading them, or im walking somewhere and then im there and i dont remember walking there. usually i have a vague idea of whats going on around me when im dissociating, but now i just seem to be not there at all sometimes.
Labyrinth,
It's really up to you whether you want to improve your mental state, and whether or not you think you are able to do it on your own.
But the glass wall was constructed as protective and can be taken down, but you need to want to and work at it.
Frozen
Sorry things are hard :(
Are there things that help you stay more present that you can do? Perhaps going out with people around to start with and building up your confidence that way?
headrush
Don't be sorry about the length!
We can really relate to simply getting through the day exhausting all your resources, and the lost time. We're doing a lot of processing of emotion/memories as well as working hard on communication so we don't have so much trouble with lost time that turns dangerous and the energy levels.
What helps you when you are feeling this bad?
Katie,
It's all good, we know you care :)
We hope you are doing ok, we think of you.
We had two girls (other patients) write us letters today, they were so beautiful.... So we wrote back and they came and found us in the courtyard having a smoke and gave us a big hug (which was ok - we weren't feeling too freaked out or anything) it was really nice.
Anyway....
We're just smoking our way through the evening. (It's a real problem in hospital). So we've come into our room an are going to do some writing and reading. Give the old lungs a rest.
nothing helps. thats the problem. i guess keeping myself busy means that i dont just lie in bed and ruminate, which probably would lead to an overdose as it did last time.
but it doesnt make me feel better. it just keeps me distracted.
when i stop what im doing, or have a flashback, everything is still there. its just hidden inside. hidden inside me. always inside me. nothing seems to work.
ive got my group and then individual therapy tomorrow so maybe she can help me with some coping mechanisms and stuff.
she said she would call me this morning, but she hasnt. psychologists always let you down. ive never had one that hasnt let me down. never had one i can properly trust.
Headrush,
Do you have hobbies/study that you can do while trying to distract before you see your psych?
It's a great idea asking them for techniques, good move.
Perhaps your psych got held up with an unexpected issue.
There are definitely good psychs out there, don't lose hope.
If you are having ongoing issues with this one, would you consider changing?
Hope you are feeling better.
We live in Australia and today is Remembrance day. The hospital staff took us to the Remembrance day (the ceremony to commemorate the sacrifices (particularly the First World War)), it was so.... emotional. We never cry, but when the played the last post, the horn... tears just rolled and rolled down our cheeks.... Just...
anyway
we hope everyone is ok.
lostboys
I'd actually forgotten about rememberance day this year... this has been the first year that I have not been a cadet (first ACT - air training coprs, and then OTC- officer training corps) so the first year that have not been in a parade... I used to be int he marching bands and layed the fife and the bugle, was the only person to play the bugle and so had to play the last post each year other than last year when we had a badpiper play it.
as its 1am now here remeberance day as just started
my psych called me in the end, in the evening. i guess that was the first chance she got. yeah ive got study to do. i spent 5 hours in the library yesterday. i seem to be throwing myself into my work at the moment. its really mundane stuff that you dont have to focus on - just collecting journals on the subject of my dissertation. i dont know what ill do when i actually have to do proper work though. i really dont think ill be able to focus ok. but ill deal with that when it comes to it.
i saw my psych today aswel, and i feel...better. not fantastic. but a little bit better than suicidal.
yeah rememberance day was today, we had 2 minutes silence. i always try to remember everyone who died for us to be safe, including my great grandad. it is quite sad, and i think its quite understandable you got upset.
Our medication (anti-psychotic) doesn't often affect us at all- as if it is distributed to the different parts who are around - but tonight they have and it doesn't feel good. It feels scary and wrong. Ahh,
lostboys
