We think it's very important that Patrick doesn't slap you anymore.
Though it might help, psychologically it could be damaging to you, let alone the alters- when our parts are upset, one of the big things we do is try to let them know they are safe now, that no one will hurt us anymore, when someone slaps us and we tell them it was ok, they are going to be right royally confused and so frightened, they might have more trouble trusting again.
--TRIGGER--
We're in trouble again.
Ash:
I couldn't sleep last night, i tried, but i was either too scared or too awake.
Next thing i know I'm gone, black, and when i come back, f*ck, when i come back there is lots of blood. Mum told me that if this ever happens, to come and get her, so I did, and she was pretty good, kind. We went to hospital, we were there 4 hours or so. Got stitched up.
---END TRIGGER---
Mum spoke to our doctor and they talked. T said that she was quite concerned, that she was going to speak with a couple of her colleagues who are more experienced in DID, and if i wanted i could see another therapist who she would work with.
So not surprisingly with all that^ we aren't feeling very safe.....
At least we slept today, that was a relief, a huge relief.
Sorry am not replying to others right now. Am busy elsewhere on RYL right now.
But... please can I have a hug and some supportive words? Got lots going on right now. My therapist has started to use dissociation words lots recently. Recognising what's really happening for me. It's a lot of work.
*Hugs Katie* I don't have a lot of words, but I just wanted to let you know that you are stong, compassionate, and intelligent, and you can do this!!
I saw my psychiatrist today and I said I had only been seeing him for a year when really it's been three years. I have no concept of time or timelines....dates, whatever. And I really thought I'd only been seeing him since last year. I'm sick of this.
Katie,
We're sorry you are having a difficult time. We're sending hugs, lots of warmth and positive thoughts. Hope you are OK.
Facet,
I had the same experience a while ago. I had no idea I'd been seeing T for what, 4 years now - It didn't feel like half that.
I'm wondering how you are at the moment with communication internally.
Last I remember there was little to no communication... Does your T have any suggestions to help improve it?
Do you leave notes around your room, letting parts know you'd appreciate them letting you know things like what they did while they were out/time they were out etc? We have lots of different notes, some letting parts know it's safe, what year it is, though we just have a calendar at the moment, things like that.
----
We're so tired, we don't know how to keep ourselves safe anymore and we're having trouble looking after ourselves in general.
We're glad we are at home with Ash's mum - we'd be in a much worse state if we were at the apartment.
I have never posted in here before, as I have only dissociated a few times. However, at the moment, I feel encased in helium and I am having problems speaking. It feels as thought there is a block. Nothing feels solid and I feel myself drifting. Any suggestions? I've had this happen twice today, and would like to know how to deal with it in the future. My friends are close by so I am safe now.
Katie - offering gentle hugs for you if you still want them, we know you're strong and will survive this but hoping that it becomes a little easier for you as you progress through. Take care of yourself.
we asked at uni.. they say we need a doctor's letter to get help help, but we're not under any doctor so that's out of the window. been told to come back on friday and there's a possibility that we could have a dictaphone on loan for a while... which is better than nothing.
things are shifting inside though, the littles are making more noise and others are really getting urges to harm. we're on the brink of a very nasty place and are trying not to fall in.. just hoping that our lab classes tomorrw don't have the dog, we're too stressed with it in lectures as it is.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
ah, I had that from my uni.. the whole needing a letter thing...
maybe it would be an idea to register with a doctor? It does come in handy from time to time (with things like this for example)
Having a bad day... my shoulder is a mess, went for a shower earlier, remember goinginto the bathroom then nothing until I was sat on the bed bleeding...
Bleeding Black - there has been virtually no internal communication. Sometimes we leave notes for Megan, but only if the information is deemed important enough for her to remember. Mostly I am the one leaving notecards and putting things on the calendar, scheduling appointments and reminding her, etc. I think she has very little interest in communicating with us, though, which naturally is not helping. Her memory is very disrupted, and it scares her, but I have to do what I have to do in order to protect the system, which includes Megan. Some of the years she can't remember are too emotionally charged for her to remember, though she intellectually knows about them. Hopefully this made sense. Perhaps we should try communicating more through the journal to keep her in the loop, though she generally avoids looking in it for fear of what she will find.
Also, just thought I would share the title of a book we picked up yesterday: The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook by Deborah Bray Haddock. It has information, explanations, strategies and tips on how to care for yourself and how to reach out to support systems, etc. A very good resource. It can be useful for support systems to read this book to better understand terminology and be there for the person they know with DID. I know a large portion of the pages can be found online through google to give you a taste of the book.
Facet - We have the sourcebook, it's a beauty isn't it?
Ash's mum and grandparents read it,
I think writing more in the journal to keep her in the loop would be helpful for you all.
What do you think about letting Megan know little bits and pieces that you hold, so she has a little idea, just a little bit - and see how she goes?
Hope you are all OK
hate this time of year
hate not being able to cope with everyday silly things
hate not being able to do anything right
hate always being the one to take the ****
i'm fed up of fighting, but want to fight
don't have the energy, but must continue.
i don't know..its so ..i don't know
They'll accept a council tax bill or a utilities bill, of which I have neither. We're not keen to put me on the electrics yet as it's got a debt run up on it and if it's in my name then I become liable to pay. *sigh* it's just one of the littler things that has a big effect on everything else. It wouldn't make much difference anyway.. the waiting lists here to see a psych are huge so I doubt there's much point in anything.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
waiting lists are huge anywhere... I've been bounced from one to another for over 2 years now.
But having a doctor is still useful, they can confirm things for the uni and help you to find other sources of support
*hugs* you don't deserve anything bad to happen, though i know that's hard to believe. maybe you should write something about how you feel, then burn it up to symbolize how you're not all the things you feel you are. hang in there. things will get better.
