divine5wilderness,
Good plan, and we're glad church isn't going to be a constant stress and trigger.
We're really struggling, and trying to slow things down. With memories/flashbacks coming left right and centre, along with body memories it's hard to handle much else.
We've mentioned before that we don't or haven't been able to bring up the much harder, more complicated and unbelievable stuff with our T.
We were speaking to a good DID friend and she suggested that we take one memory/feeling and focus on that one in T, we progressed further with that idea, thinking that we would do that, but in an ambiguous way, so we could focus and work on that particular line, but not need to really explain it's relevance any more than we needed to for her to help us through it.
We have a vague idea how we're going to go about it, and we have over an hour and a half to do some writing and more planning/thinking.
We have the particular memory and feelings -one that has been plaguing us for some time and is dominant - that we want to work on, we're just hoping things go ok.
We've not done something this direct that is so extremely difficult and raw with her before... We hope to whatever is out there that she believes and tries to understand.
We saw a lady on the train this morning who was reading a book about a lady with DID that we had read, she kept looking at us -our arms (very scarred) and our beyond blue (Aussie depression society) wristbands. We wanted so much to say something to her, no idea what, but we didn't. She was with her partner and he stayed on the train after she left; he seemed very sad and almost as if he was crying;rubbing his eyes that looked as if they'd welled up with tears. We wanted to say something to him also -that it got easier, or something.... We felt horrible after the opportunity passed. We'd not have said anything intrusive, just wanted to let him know that people cared...
So as usual on a tuesday we are sitting at the cafe we frequent (lovely staff; we're a regular and always smile and know what we'll order :)) Often make it before we ask for it :D!!). But today we feel very very down, supressing the bebilitating heavy emotions and memories as much as possible, until we are in a safe place with T, or at least away from such a public place. Though this doesn't work anywhere near as well as we wish it would...
Ash, its wonderful to hear of you being able to be so insightful and assertive with how things are at the moment. I'm really hoping your method works out for you. Have encountered a similar situation to you and the man on a bus- think i said something like, its ok you know and rolled up my sleeves. She ended up sobbing so we took her for a coffee. I hope she's doing ok now.
Things are getting really hard. Tried all the methods to get people to let me get some sleep but they just aren't allowing it. Exhausted, but everything. Fulfilments have started. There is only so much i can hold off at a time. Sp*nners just wont stop. Physically sick with momentom inside. Its not at all good here
we can no longer post in one of the forums we are a member of
Ella can post but we cant it a DID forum as well
just because one of Ella friend who a member of the forum
dont think that Ella has DID we are to scared to post there just incase she has a go at us
labyrinth, you try not to feel bitter cos that will not help and it will just make you feel worse. people who arent real friends arent worth worrying about!!!!!
i am sorry to hear that, scarlet. i do not really know what to suggest cos it is not fair that she is keeping you off the forum but at the same time i know it is hard to do things that you might get yelled at for, even if you have the right too.
we are feeling a little better today. we stayed in bed and roberta ate cheese on toast and we drank orange juice that was red. the system is struggling because of something that happened to seffy - she was walking to the shop when a drunk man grabbed her arm and tried to put his arm round her. this was only the second time she has met someone other than patrick and i think it triggered something like a flashback, even though she is not supposed to know the details of what happened and she is not supposed to have memories or flashbacks. it sounds not very nice but i would be annoyed at her if she started to have memories or flashbacks because i have spent a long time having double the flashbacks just to protect her.
so i feel guilty for that as well.
i am trying to be a good girl but i am not doing very well and we never leave the house any more accept to go to the BP garage
anyway sorry for posting. i hope you are all doing as okay as possible
Crying. People screaming. Totally alone. I'm spiralling away into it all. Taughting me because they know they can push everyone away and like it that way. With no one to care they can do their job freely. Its taking everything within me to stop them doing something to the body. Made a bargin to self injure a small amount and now they know they can beat me for sure. I'm giving in to them day by day. I wish everyone could see it makes so many of us better to be safe, that they don't have to do those things anymore, but their blind to me. In the depths at the moment. Overwhelming despair, punishment- its what they do after all. They're untouchable. Internal punishments are ripping us from the inside out. Alone. Scared. Exactly where they want me. They hold so much darkness
been utter chaos this week, I don't know what happened but it feels like I'm me but I'm also one of the littles and it's so strange to be 19 and 8 years old simultaneously. Been missing several hours at a time, coming back to feeling exhausted and numb and scared and finding it hard not to cry a lot. New memories ripping through me, flashbacks are rife, i just want to hurt, get it to go away again, but others keep coming out.
Have T later on today, will try to talk about it, but the words are stuck in my mouth. Like eating ashes again.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
falling apart.. recurring nightmares.. all of them except seffy and jude theye are harming all the time, including me.. seffy is trying to access memories shes not allowed to see.. i just wanted to protect her.. its chaos.. i was trying to help, i was trying to look after them, all of them.. but i cant.. they dont want me to.. they dont need me...
We are sorry everyone seems to be having such a hard time... We wish we could take all the hurt away.... ((((safe hugs to everyone)))) (only if ok)
becci, we relate so much (again) to what you've said. We want to help and make it better for you, but we don't know what to do; partially 'cause we're in the middle of it as well.
Your saying "they're untouchable" is something we so relate to.
We have all sorts going on inside - similar to what you mentioned and although they give the orders, make the rules and deal out punishment - we still can't communicate with them, can't get the to talk to us, stop them.... :'(
We don't know what to do, we're so lost. spnning painfully, falling, hurting, remembering; being bombarded by memories from the top dogs.... we want it to at least just slow down - but that would defeat their purpose...
We've been trying to figure out how to communicate even the smallest bits of what's going on for us to our T, and doing that - spending hours trying to figure out what words we're 'allowed' to use, that don't break any rules, working out exact ways to introduce the subject etc is exhausting us, and we haven't been able to share the slightest with T either....
We're so tired.....
we can no longer post in one of the forums we are a member of
Ella can post but we cant it a DID forum as well
just because one of Ella friend who a member of the forum
dont think that Ella has DID we are to scared to post there just incase she has a go at us
the friend thinks that we are psychosis
Scarlet
Hi Scarlet.
I understand how hard that can be.
If it's the forum I'm also at, drop me a pm there and we'll see what we can do.
maybe you should distance yourself a bit then. it's good to have friends so that youre not completely cut off and withdrawing from society, but then it wouldnt bother you so much when theyre not being nice.
were struggling... as usual....
we found out that when we were 13 and we thought we were assaulted we weren't, it counts as the 'r' word not sure what to make of that.. lara's taking it hard..
Labyrinth,
Some people really just aren't worth it...
Hope you can find some peace,
Stellata, We've been thinking of you during this hard time you've been having - we just don't have many words...
Becci,
We've been thinking of you too, and wondering how you are going. We really wish we could make things even a little bit easier for you - we can really relate to the struggles you are having - and if we come up with anything we will most definitely pass it on. We're here for you if you want to share more, and we'll support you. For now all we can offer you is our warmest thoughts, care and companionship.
Bobbiwib,
It can be really hard when you receive information that puts something into perspective and it can seem to make it harder - just remember that whatever name what your experienced is given, it doesn't change it - it's the same experience and needs to be accepted and worked with. We're sorry you are having a hard time, and we're here.
We are still not coping well, though we had a very good session with our T.
We spoke about our living arrangements, a close friend who is having a hard time, and yet doing everything possible to make it worse, and very little to improve it.
That lead the conversation to talking about grounding and distress tolerance. Our friend is always saying how she can't get any more out of the day program, that she knows it all. Yet she does none of it.
We talked about how there is a huge difference between hearing about the skills and learning the concepts - it's a whole other story to integrate them into your behaviors.
Grounding and distress tolerance are skills, and like other skills need lots of practice. If you don't practice (when not at crisis point) and get them down to a fine art, they won't work. You need to keep working at improving your skills so that when you do come to a crisis point and are in huge distress they are well ground into your mind and you can apply them to the situation.
So many people say 'they don't work, none of them and i've tried!' If someone has really tried and applied themselves, learnt the skills and practised they will see results.
We talked about that, and where we have difficulty; we practise them enough that when we are mildly to medium distressed they work very well - but when the distress is large and sudden we are lost.
We've spent so much time the past few days in relatively high distress, and needing to ground. We've been laying in bed at night in a panic. We pull the covers up high around our head, have Simba and Rump on either side of us, we feel the materials, we do mindful breathing, we have our special ribbon. We've needed to use several techniques at once to keep ourself as steady as possible - it's exhausting, but we haven't totally flipped out.
From talking about that stuff T said how it could be really helpful to teach some of the alters that are in an almost constant state of distress some simple mindfulness techniques- that it could help calm them, so when they have things they need to communicate, they aren't so wild and distressed that they are unable to speak (it happens a lot). So T and Ash are going to teach (especially the younger ones) mindful breathing and some other mindfulness - it's really exciting.
Though we've managed to keep our distress at a sort of managable level - it is so exhausting.... and the memories keep coming, the spnning is still happening.... but we're keeping on keeping on.
hope everyone is ok, sorry I know I don't help out on this thread as much as I should, I just never know what to say...
But I have a question... I was wondering if anyone could explain the whole intergration thing for me? I know the end aim of therapy is to either sort of join all the parts together or to get them to work as one, but the whole thing confuses me... So I was wondering if anyone could make it a bit clearer for me?
The way integration comes about seems to be different for each multiple we've spoken to.
But in all cases of a full integration that we have heard about; it has involved each part coming forward, sharing their story and feelings, and just becoming a part of the whole. And this happens with each part; working through the memories, the feelings etc until that part's role ceases to exist really, the needn't be compartmentalized anymore, so they can join the whole.
For us, we've had parts 'merge' before, it just happened they just grew into one. Our aim isn't integration, but system co-operation. We hope that when parts are ready to share their stories and feelings, they will, and perhaps we'll have more parts merge, but we're content living as a multiple - though we're looking forward to doing it harmoniously.
Labyrinth
That sounds great about college, how are you feeling about it?
Good on you for telling them about the DID, must've taken a lot of courage, don't think we would have been able to be so honest.
And well done for managing whilst at the campus *high five*
We've got T today.
Spending about 10 hours in the city for a 1 hour appt.
Ash's mum is interstate so we're catching lifts in and out of the city with Sam as he goes to and from work
We'll need to amuse ourselves, that isn't usually the hard part; it's keeping everyone calm and safe. So we'll see.
The hospital we've been admitted to a lot in the past (and now do day program at) are having an art exhibition, for which we've got a few pices going in. It's pretty cool.
We're also working on an educational DID comic strip, hopefully we'll get that in too. Our psych/t thinks it's great :)
We're pretty tired: having been up aince 6am, and being out in the city for 10 hours is only going to add to it, but we'll have a coffee binge and we'll hopefully do ok.
Speaking of coffee, sam just finished making ours.
Sorry we havn't been posting much in here and we probably won't from now on. Our friend started a DID forum, which is easier for us to use than just this thread and the littles can post there. we won't post from now on, bye.
I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared.
But no-one would listen, cos no-one else cared
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect but neither have you
Hi, I don't tend to post here much because I don't dissociate as much as I used to - usually only if there's a big sensory trigger around. I suffer quite a bit with de-realisation to the point that I'm convinced most of the time that the world around me isn't real. A lot of the after-effects of my trauma have gone into psychosis and I wonder if people here think there's a link between trauma, dissociation and psychosis, or have experienced psychosis as a result of these?
We don't know the official linkage from trauma to psychosis, but think it's entirely possible that there is one.
I (ash - host/frontman) have had psychotic episodes, which sort of responded to anti psychotic medication, but im not sure whether or not they were linked to chemicals or after affects of trauma. I also don't know if (there is such a thing) psychosis that is trauma linked responds to medication the same as chemical related psychosis. I read somewhere that there were originally thought to be two types of psychosis, functional:
A condition in which thought, behavior, and emotion are disturbed without known pathological changes in tissues or the conditions of the brain.
Organic, being chemical imbalances - but apparently the distinction isn't used anymore.
I was about to apologize for my interruption, then realised there was no need, ah well.
My addition is, I have read a few different psychiatric journals/reports on the correlation between PTSD (in particular) and psychosis.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12722898
One man states that there is a high prevalence of traumatic childhoods; particularly sexual abuse in people who have been diagnosed with psychosis, and more so in schizophrenia. It appears that there is quite a bit of controversy about the possible correlation between trauma and psychosis; whether trauma can cause psychosis, psychosis can lead to PTSD and other variations.
This link: http://www.psychminded.co.uk/news/ne...lationship.pdf
Is very interesting.
"Recently, Read, Agar, Argyle, and Aderhold (2002) reviewed the case notes of 200
community patients and found that those who had experienced sexual abuse (in
childhood or as an adult) were significantly more likely to endorse two or more of the
characteristic symptoms of schizophrenia (as defined in DSM-IV). Such findings suggest
that many people with psychotic symptoms may have endured specific, or cumulative,
experiences of trauma prior to the onset of their psychosis"
not sure what to make of that.. lara's taking it hard..
