The following content has been hidden - Reason : 4am ranting
I'm hearing screaming and crying.... I was woken at 3 in the morning by some disrespectful loudtalkers and sleep paralysis messed me up, now in occupied with thoughts of the girl I'm in love with :( I'm sad... I went to bed early (midnight) but I guess 3 hours will have to do because I'm not getting back to sleep. Another guy likes Lindsey and he's being persistent even though she keeps denying him and rejecting him and he's her sister's friend and I'm so worried, I love her and I don't want anything bad to happen to her. He made her a painting, in the comments he said she was making him a necklace, I trust her but there's always the possibility she's just saying she's rejecting him to make me feel better...
I cut the side of my arm at work with a paint can opener because I was craving the sensation. It's almost sexual. Mania episodes don't happen often for me thankfully.
I intensely read up on pages of descriptions of serial killers and in an attempt to try to understand their frame of mind and their motives. I also tend to study every type of adverse mental activity, and submerse myself in the idea of experiencing them.
Mom is home from her double mastectomy and ovaries removed. we are not doing well at all. physically and mentally sick. Chaos. Many are afraid we are dying inside.
We are learning much while trying not to completely break and internally die.
for freal- look this has been the time line for this mth-
July 8- kids bday- had no $
July 10- the husband quits job.
July 11- my mothers best friend's husband dies
July 12- mothers double masectomy =/
july16- husbands bday still no $
juty 19- my dad goes to check on his friend... finds him in his house ..self inflicted =o !!
July 20- after spending all day from 8am-6pm at the hospital with appt our mom finds out.. she wont get drain tubes out yet..she may need more surgery
and the worst - she most definately has to have chemo cuz they founr cancer cells in her lymph nodes..
so far today i havent heard anything bad happening.. *hopes*
:( Sorry you guys have so much to go through at the moment. It makes us really sad. Hope things brighten up soon. *hugs*
We're coping, hanging in there - next week is gonna be the hardest, but we'll cope, we always do.
Previously unicorn-tears
In a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace,
falling into empty space
With no-one there to catch you in their arms
Kahlia1981 & silentgirl are my RYL sisters Plumeria Sister
In a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace,
falling into empty space
With no-one there to catch you in their arms
Kahlia1981 & silentgirl are my RYL sisters Plumeria Sister
sorry, i know i haven't been on here for a while... kind of went into denial about everything and have been struggling generally (mainly with ED stuff). But today not doing well, everyone is talking at once and my head feels like it may explode
I've been out of it today. My body and mind are two vastly different things... it's so strange. I can be completley out of it and my body performs fine, I walked someone through the process of staining a deck from start to finish with only a few stutters as I was engulfed in a mindtrip about the idea that reality feels surreal.
For the past couple days reality has felt non existent. I was preoccupied with the idea that I knew what death was like, that when consciousness ceases, it will be like this life never happened. That gave me a panic attack, which persisted for awhile...
I'm using it to grow. I remember my childhood, the ways I used to think-- reality MUST exist. Knowing that I was once in a stable state of mind always seems to remind me of that. I'm learning to accept that I am just open minded to the point where I forget how to think in a close minded way when it's needed (or just a generally normal sort of way).
If I can make it through the phase I'm in right now... I will feel amazing as a person, connected with everything around me, one with myself and the world, at peace. I'm determined to make it through this.
I'm also determined to make myself believe in something other than death being an absolute blackness, where nothing matters, past nor present nor future, it's like you never existed to begin with. I MUST realize that it's closed minded. If I believe in something greater, at the time of death the greater thing will happen. I believe that what you believe will happen will happen at that time, when your mind chemicals release in preparation, whatever preoccupies you then is what will become of you. Think of an afterlife. Think of heaven. You will be convinced you are there, your subtle strings of chemical consciousness will reside within those thoughts until they peacefully dilute with the rest of you...
Sorry if I'm just ranting nonsense, stream of consciousness typing always seems to help me :P
But yes, in a nutshell, I'm not well. But I am at a point in my life where I will make or break, and I'm going to make it.
I think I need someone. I'm too interpersonal, I forget what true social interaction is like. I need to stop pretending people are just these robots on an assembly line that I have to do tasks for at work. They're more than that.
not sure how long its been since we been here..long long time..
lots of here atm cuz we are super switchy and tryin to get lisa to stay inside.. she has been extremely depressed lately hasnt really eaten in 2 days now.
mom starts chemo next week..
dont know why we just cant feel stable and "okay" and happy for any length of time..
someone has been cutting.. looks like freddy krueger got us.. hasnt happened in a few days now but someone inside is always thinking about it and wanting to..
anyhow enough of our "poor me" story.. hope everyone is doin okay.. or at least better than we are atm.
take care
Us
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
We haven't been here for ages either.
Know how you feel, someone instead is wanting to cut, or I am, but either way I/we aren't doing very well... I'm becoming increasingly apathetic and anxious. Saw a doctor and possibly going back into counselling, but waiting to hear from the doc. Just so tired of it all, want to give up...
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