A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
That's okay (:
Well I'm okay... Ayka's still not eating... Crystal smoked skunk on Friday which caused us to hear external voices, frightened the living daylights out of me... I heard a girl who seemed to be playing, judging by the tone of her voice, and then a boy, but they went pretty quickly. Haven't really heard from anyone else. Kinda quiet.
well can someone else eat? y'all should eat.. I mean.. I understand cuz i hate the action of eating.. just feels like a waste of time for me..ha! I usually let sarah eat forus or serenity or hiding will..when she is out.. that is.
Yeah last time i smoked i had full flashbacks which scared the **** outta me..
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
No, Ayka's pretty over-powering when it comes to food, she just won't let me put my hand near my mouth if I'm holding food. Even if she's not out.
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Got to college and I felt like I was gonna faint, starting getting light-headed and a bit panicky for some reason. Then Ayka came out (somehow she had strength) and walked to college and up the stairs to lesson. She's actually a lot fitter than me and can get up 3 flights of stairs without our legs aching, or without being out of breath. Weird.
There's so many people about, but I feel really alone.
I think the depression is coming back.
I dunno why.
Why does it do this?
I have a time where I feel less hopeles, like things could go right.
And then I just get depressed again.
I hate feeling good. It just makes the bad times seem even worse, and makes me feel like I'm just too broken to be fixed.
I really hate myself.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
Kathryn- sorry ayka wont let yall eat .. the only time any of us are strong like that is when it comes to ME telling people off .. they wont ever let me.. but like people deserve to be told rude **** sometimes ya know?
Scath- alot of what you said Hiding can relate to feeling. she says she feels exactly the same way most of the time.. and when good times do happen its only a tease.. a cruel joke..or something.. anyhow she understands how ya feel.
Went to my ex's at 6pm to give her some computer files that have been sitting on my hard drive for months. It took about three hours, because her computer wouldn't register my hard drive as hardware - so she got someone to bring a laptop and external hard drive over for her to borrow. I spend ages trying to figure out how much of each set of files can go where as there isn't a space big enough to just copy them over.
I finally finish, and go home at about 9pm.
I get home, to find that my ex is texting my flatmate saying I stole rent money from her and she's going to call the police.
I think I went out at that point. I found myself a few streets away, about an hour and a half later. I've just got back home. I'm freezing. I hate life.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
I just found a link to a website that is really interesting on DID and mulpicity and stuff, I'm reading the gollery page ( here - http://astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html ) at the moment and leanring so many new terms lol
we have psyche appointment tomorow morning. terrified doesn't cover what we're feeling
“Because everything that goes around comes around. Maybe it's luck or maybe it's fate, but either way, it comes back around."
Rest in Love Sar-sis. I'll see you the next time around hopefully <3 12/11/92-05/18/16
AJs mommy ❤️ 11/26/17
Married to my best friend and Soulmate 3/5/18 ❤️💍
Because she's a sociopath and a compulsive liar who pretends to have DID to get away with hurting others?
I dunno why she did it. I thought it had gone ok - we'd been civil, there weren't nasty words exchanged, she gave me some food since I hadn't eaten for hours, she thanked me for being patient because I'd really only thought to be there for an hour maximum and I needed to get up early for uni today. Clearly she thought otherwise.
Looking back, I find the policemen funny. I don't know if they actually believed her, I just think they had to follow it up. When they were done with the questions they kept asking if I'd be okay and saying something about a 'duty of care'. I think it's because they'd bumped into my flatmate and she'd told them about me disappearing for over an hour earlier in the evening when my ex's text first came through. I just told them to get out, but yeah. Seems kinda funny and not-real now.
I like Astrea's Web, it makes me feel more normal and like I/we could end up living a relatively normal life in the end. It does focus less on trauma based multiplicity though, but the overall messages - responsibility, being able to function, multiplicity not being just an illness - are really positive.
Perfect Mess - good luck for the psych, I hope it goes well.
Last edited by ghosts in the machine : 18-11-2010 at 12:15 PM.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
wow scath- that is bullshit.. If I were you I'd take that as a lesson not to do anything for the ex girlfriend anymore. not if that is the kinda **** she is gonna pull on you. Traumatic to have police come looking for you ,I'm sure. at least it would be for us. Course our anxiety would go thru the roof. sorry you blacked out and ended up away from home and cold. Glad you are safe and home and warm now tho. GRR- wish i could go smack the ex g/f for doing that tho lol.
Shadow-light- thanks for the link we saved it and hope to remember to look at it all later ( we have to go to work soon)
oh! yesterday i called and set up an appt for SSI and social security disability for dec 2nd. we have alot of papers to get together by then and we are nervous.
yesterday was a horribly switchy day.. hope today wont be so bad switchiness wise.
SADIE
Last edited by hidingme : 18-11-2010 at 03:04 PM.
Reason: fixing post- somehow sentences got out of place weeiirdd.. ha
Yeah, I don't think I'll ever go near her again. I don't have anything else of hers now so I don't think there's any reason for me to get in contact with her anyway. And yeah, the anxiety went sky-high yesterday when I opened the door and saw two male policemen outside.
Xander (I think it's Xander?) seems to be echoing your sentiment Sadie... although I'd rather he didn't go smack her around as that could be awkward with the police afterwards.
Good luck with paperwork, I hope it's not too difficult to organise it all for your appointment.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
She does sound like a bit of a sociopath... I think you might be right, the police probably just had to follow it up, if they had beieved her then they would have demanded the money and stuff I think.
At least now that she has all her stuff it should be easier to avoid her in future. She does sond like a bit of a toxic person.
I have to start uni applications tomorrow was meant to be waiting unitil 2012 before going back, but with the whole fee increase issue looks like will have to be next year. Jack is applying too, so we are going to be essentially living on the poverty line for the next few years (can't get funding for a second degree so we are going to have to fund ourselves)
HAA!!! Morgan you are freaking hilarious!! no reason to be subtle or anything..HAHA!! =P
Ayka & Scath- see? I am not the only one that thinks she need her ass kicked. somepeople have no idea how a simple thing (or a big thing) can totally send someone else into a downward spiral.
but.. well it took Hiding a few minor screw ups to learn that too concerning multis... )it was before we made ourselves known when i had influenced her to learn about it all first)
anyhow thanks.. yeah we have lots of paperwork to gather and we are nervous but feel like its a good idea..cant hurt to try right?
i'm sure anxiety will get worser and the appt day gets closer.
Oh I'm not saying she doesn't need her arse kicked. I'm just saying that I'd rather avoid the police enquiry that would result, since she'd report me to them. Although at least then I'd have actually done something, instead of there being false charges against me.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
oh I knew what you meant. I am just.. I dunno being me..ha!
Sorry.. (mummbles I still think shes a stupid bitch and needs her ass beat tho) * sweet angelic smile* lmao ok..ok.. I just can't do that for long..too funny..
sorry im weird today i guess lol what esle is new tho right?
was meant to be waiting unitil 2012 before going back, but with the whole fee increase issue looks like will have to be next year. Jack is applying too, so we are going to be essentially living on the poverty line for the next few years (can't get funding for a second degree so we are going to have to fund ourselves)