Hate telling mum things to do with mental health. I know it hurts her. Told her i've been dissociated since May, having woke up from it twice but again slipping back in to it. Not sure what to do as nothing is taking me from it, i'm simply drifting along.
scary frighten switch sitting on the cusp of asleep and awake. so scared of it i keep having panic attacks just as i feel us slipping into that inbetween. *cries*
Emma - I have had "external flashbacks", for a very very long time after my ex died I could "see" him following me, shouting things at me... I was conviced for a while that is was a ghost, but my ex psych convinced me that it was a form of flashback. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and can "see" him at the bottom of the bed grabbing me and trying to pull me out of bed, everything else is normal and in the pressent, but with the addition of him there... I have started having ones with a little girl in too, but I don't know what they mean or what they are related to, I have the same sor tof images internally which is why I think they are related to flashbacks but I still have no idea what they are about
____
I have to go to work, for the first time in a fair while I have a job on a morning. THough this one I am not guranteed to be paid for as will actually have competition lol (going to the student deomonstration and hopefully will sell some pictures from it to newspapers/magazines) and I think that feeling that I might not get anywhere with it is making me just not feel bothered to go... I just want to go back to bed right now
Sorry for the puke color again .. not sure who is really out this morning yet. Is that odd for mornings? or do others do that also?
Sadie says hi Ayka she is thankful your replied and hopes you are doing alright.
Sadie has been feeling very empty..lately, since the truth of Tori came out. we haven't told Tori,but well.. we aren't sure who to trust anymore. Guess it has us feeling exposed because someone we trusted for so long hid the truth from us for so many years intentional or not.. she still did it. and well.. ya know? anyhow, we havent told Tori that. we just told her we are hurt but will get past it.that we still want her in our lives because she alwys has been an important part of it..even in times we werent talking and had lost touch.
so..*shrug* guess that is all for now..
again, we are sorry for this nasty pukey color lol
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Hi, not sure who is out at the moment either so we'll write in this colour, about to do work so guessing Skye's about.
Eaten a small bit today, but Ayka refuses to eat anything for the rest of the night. She's realised it'll be really easy to hide the fact we're not eating a lot. Still, could do with the weight loss.
Ok I was going to start a thread but didn't know where to put it and then I remembered this one. So I have a question if people don't mind? I don't know anyone with derealisation personally so there's no one else for me to ask. I was just wondering if it made other people feel suicidal when it happens? Like the rest of the time I can be grand (although I have been feeling depressed lately) but then when I depresonalise all I can think of is to end it cos it feels so absolutely awful mentally. Ugh, hate it. Anyway wondering if anyone can relate or if I'm not the only one. Thanks. ps. hope everyone is ok.
hey weve been switchy all damn day today.. right now im rather aggitated so ..yeah..i am here more i guess.****in boss wants us to work saturday night 2-10 HATE THAT SHIFT!! said hed let us have friday off.. so not sure if I am okay with it or not.. just reqlly ****s us all up when schedules and routines change. HATE it!! anyhow not gonna bitch about it just gonna do it. (just bitching here about it for now ha!) mike and aly are even annoying me tonight grr. we already took nighlty meds and a xnax so hopefully we will sleep early.. sometimes sleep is the only true escape. =/
Sadie -- It's okay, you're not being a bummer. We like to sleep for the same reason :).
Dancing -- I have less trouble with derealization, but when I have had it it's been a very unsettling and disturbing experience. I see no reason why it can't make a person suicidal, especially if it's persistent.
Becci -- I'm sorry your psych appointment didn't go well, but I am glad you are actively trying to keep yourself safe. That's all anyone can ask--that you do your best.
---
Not sure whether anyone cares about what goes in our system, but this is the only place with people (besides my therapist) who understand what goes on inside.
Last night, Luke (our resident protector alter) tried to basically exile two of our more destructive alters to the far edges of the system. I disagree with his decision. I am of the firm opinion that destructive alters are the ones in the most pain, and therefore deserving of the most compassion. We shouldn't effectively banish them just because they cause trouble.
Hey all, this is Luke, here to tell my side of the story. I did not want to exile the alters in question just because they "cause trouble." These alters consistently work to damage/destroy the system and body. They cut, starve the body, and once even attempted suicide so badly that it landed us in the Intensive Care Unit. I exist to protect the body and system from all threats, both external and internal. Maybe these two alters do need help, but I have to keep everyone safe. I don't know when those two plan to sabotage us again, and I don't know if I will be able to stop them.
Anyway, that's my say. What is your all's opinion? Sorry for the novel of a post.
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
we do again with both jen and Luke, they need to be rescrcted from harming the system/body but they also deserve to be listened to on their feelings and needs.. we are sure their behaviors only reflect their pain and hurt and that needs to be addressed.. but you do need to protect the body/system and all others.
I suppose this should teach me a lesson; look after wounds better. But all I can really feel is anger and frustration. I hate that I didn’t do it, but I’m the one who’s got to clean up the mess. I really resent that. I hate that my arm is currently next to useless and hurts, and I’m the one who has to put up with it. If I wasn’t scared that they’d do something worse, I’d try to make someone else take over so they can put up with it for a few hours. Alas – they wouldn’t get any work done and would most likely **** up my arm even more.
I'm sorry about the rant, I just - hate feeling so useless and ****ed up and in the way. I think I pissed people off, messed up their day. I really didnt mean, really feel bad about it. But no one's gonna say anything, and it's my fault for not looking after the SH when it happened.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
Understand how you feel scath. Sorry your arm is hurting. .hope it isn't infected. try not to be so hard on yourself. wonderful! another switchy day Iguess.. ..uggh.. anyhow take care Sadie(&and obvisiously serenity)
It is infected. Been to the doctors and got it treated, have to go back next week for redressing, but that makes it even more annoying. I didn't do this, but I get to do all the running around to fix it
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Slowly cutting down the food/calorie intake. Soon we'll be living on next to nothing. It's going to work this time, I'll make it work, Kathryn's always overpowered me in the past but this time I'll do it. Trying to drink lots cos now headaches are hitting us... But it's nothing I won't manage.
Scath- glad you went to dr and its getting treated and taken care of now. Hiding says she understands your frustrations with having to take care of wounds as when Sadie cut ..she'd cut and disappear and leave Hiding to tend to it.
Ayka-
hi hon. Umm, from the pics we've seen of you, you do not look like you need to lose weight at all. I am worried about this restriction of eating that you are planning. Would hate for y'all to get sick or start passing out or something from not eating hon.
I'm sick of feeling miserble and zoned out. Jack and I are going out to a resturant for dinner tonight, and I am so scared that I'm going to ruin it by being "not fully there" or just by being mopey and miserable
I'm really sorry we haven't been around much, we're still in hospital, it's been.. 9 weeks I think.
We've been doing some really intense work with our Dr/therapist nearly every day.
One of them (had been calling him the red alter) now has a name - Cricket, he isn't sure how old he is, but our Dr thinks 5-6. He's pretty traumatised; full of terror, memories, pain and confusion.
Perhaps 2 or 3 weeks ago, someone came out at night and left the hospital (in pajamas and socks). The doors aren't locked because it's a voluntary unit.
At first, my memory of that night was so broken up because there was quite a bit of switching going on, but since then I've processed a lot of it and the memory has become more cohesive....
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Contains sexual assault
I'm not sure who left the building, but i have vague memories of running, my feet feel robotic and there is very little sensation as they gain speed and hit gravel roads. My legs don't slow until I'm quite a way into the park. My vision feels different, simple, but crisp....
Then I see the three men 2 further ahead of me, and one way over to the left.... They assaulted me, r*ped me and more...
I've been pretty f*cked up over it. And our Dr asking me if I'm going to report it, now that I'm remembering it more clearly. And feeling so sick that eating makes me nauseous, so I don't eat much, 'cause if i do I will vomit. They've done my bloods, and testing for STI's...And I'm terrified and inside is all messed up, hurt, fear and pain...
A few days after it happened (in that time the nurse and psychs and hospital staff had one of their meetings.), the CEO of the hospital came to ask to speak with me (I thought i was in trouble for leaving the hospital) and asked me how i was, then said she had just been notified of what had happened, she asked if i was being supported enough and i said i was.
She also said that she spoke to her legal counsel and they said organisationally they were obligated to report it to the police. So they did. They asked for our phone number and she said she wasn't able to unless i gave her my complete and utter consent.....
I just want it all to stop. I want us to be safe. I want us to be OK...
Sorry for all that guys ^ We just feel so alone in this, it's really hard to bring it up with the nurses (T said most of them know now) but we're trying.
oh no.. lost boys.. we so sori tat happin to yous.. wondr wy sombodi runnd awa from hospitl?=( We veri sad an sori tat yous waz hurtd =/ tat no good an it maks us veri sad for yous.. we glad you bak at hospitl now an sadie an res sa you shuld port it to poleses cuz it no bes ok tat tey hurtd you..it mak sadie angri hers wana go fins tem mans an hurtd tem baks for you.
sadie also sa tat hers tinks hospital do has to port it evn if yous not cuz you waz in tey care an it maks tem bes responsbl for wat happin you wen you waz possd be wif hospitl.
I no kno...but tat be wat hers tel me sa.
anywas.. we sori for you an we sad you gettd hurtd. we hops you bes saf frum now on an tat yous fels bettr . ((saf huggies)) if bes ok..
