A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Well it didn't hurt when they put the needle in, just had to take a deep breath in when they went to pierce the skin. But yes it's quite sore now. It's hurting atm but I'm cleaning it twice a day with saline solution like they said (: can't lay on my left side though, but I'll work round that.
I've just had a flashback and it hurts. It hurts so bad.
I feel my insides burning and when I try to eat or if the pain gets too bad I'm sick.
It's so hard. I hate him for they did
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Very Triggering
For raping me when I was 5 repeatedly. For beating me and putting me down. For forcing a bottle up my v*****a. For raping every way he could think of.
and above all. I hate them for telling me they loved me.
That's not love. You don't do that to people you love. You don't scar people you love this way.
I'm barely functioning and I feel hopeless and now I'm crying for god sake!
Please put me out of my misery.
I'm sorry for the self pitying/triggering rant. I'm sorry for surviving. I'm sorry for being.
Thank you *hugs*
Please don't think I'm writing to get attention/sympathy. I know everyone has their own cross to bear.
There's just nowhere else for me to vent. ... God what do I do? How do I carry on?
I don't know
I don't know
Finding - How you feeling about things today? Sounds like you are going through such a terrible, terrible time at the moment. Thinking of you, and here if you ever need to talk.
Kitkat - Your piercings sound great! Sorry about the repetitive "ite" in your head, we get that a lot where someone repeats a phrase endlessly and it gets really annoying. Hope you're having a good day today.
Emma - Don't be sorry. You're right, what they did is not love, what they did is very very wrong. I'm just so sorry that you are going through this. Here if you ever need to talk. How are you feeling today?
Lynx - Hope you're doing ok.
Yesterday was a very very bad day internally. Today more cut off from ourselves which is helping us to get through. Got another appointment which is going to be scary. Really struggling with flashbacks and self-destructive urges.
Kitkat, I get that too, the whole repetative word/phrase thing. Someone is nearly always going "not safe not safe not safe" all the time. Does my head in! But I guess if they feel that way then they want to say it.
Fraction, I'm hoping your appointment goes well, and that the flashbacks and urges lessen for you soon. I'm in kind of the same spot, so really understanding the yickyness of it all.
To answer your earlier question - yes. It's immensely frustrating that I find it so hard to journal, especially when everyone sings its praises so much. I'd love to be able to organise the thoughts in my head enough to put them down on paper, but I can't seem to, and as such I find it hard to try and communicate with anyone 'inside'. Plus there was a lot of **** going on recently and now the little progress we'd made in communication has gone out of the window.
Emma, that's what we're all here for - to help support each other when things are bad. Don't be sorry for posting.
But still. More dread in my tummy. I feel sick a lot of the time, and body memories are flooding in, I'm sure it's stress, but yeah. Still not fun.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
I'm so sorry things are so bad for you right now. I wish I could help you more. I'm always here for you :-]
I can really understand your frustration about journalling. For the past few weeks I've been unable to do any kind of group journalling, when I communicate with others... I'm able to do some journalling but it's hard. I know how frustrating and lonely it is when you can't and it all just feels all chaotic and scary and bad.
Anything you can do to help with the flashbacks and urges and to comfort yourself?
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
They haven't been doing it so much today, it's been an alright day really.
Sorry to hear you're having a hard day Fraction *big hugs* if you want to you can PM us (:
I think the best way to journal is to write what you're feeling then throw it away, so you're not dwelling on it. I suppose when it's in your room it's kinda circulating around you.
On the plus side, I've managed to move my piercing ball so I can fit my headphone in :D yaaaay.
hi all weve still been checkin in..just too much in our head and going on around us lately. so havent known what to say.. tomorrow was suppossed to take daughter for her CT scan concerning her passing out but they rescheduled.. her father's mother said we should take her to the ER down town at tx childrens .. so it gets done quicker and we can find out what is wrong.. guess we (me, mike,aly and ex mom in law) will head there tomorrow night about 8pm just thinking about it amkes my anxiety go crazy.. umm yeah ill shut up now
thanks kit kat- well ex mom in law says she cant do tomorrow cuz she talked to ex hubby - daughters father- and the deductable is much higher than he told her originally so holding tues ct test afterall hate the damn emotional rollercoasters lately uugghh
I know how you feel ..really i do.. but well as Hiding always teels us..Karmas a bitch .. and she'll see that they get what they deserve somehow and in someway.. 3 fold..
but yeah it majorly sucks sitting back and just waiting for it to happen.. but it will. SADIE
How's everyone doing? I had a horrible day today... missed a package eing delivered so had to go to the citylink depot place, which was stupidly hard to find... I got off a bus at 9am according to the internet it should have been an 8 minuet walk from there but I was walking about (around the north curcular and M1 at some points) trying to find it until 11.20!!!
Eventually got the package at least I guess. But it was awful :( I was so lost and there was so much traffic and so many roads all on different levels and all merging in confusing ways...
But anyway, hopefully will never have to do that again lol
Meant to be going to a meet tomorrow at hyde park but starting to get really nervous abut it now
Scath - Thank you for your support. I'm offering you a pot of tea if you would like! Hope you are doing ok today.
Kitkat - Hope today was a good day for you, were you at college today? Are you on half term now? Yay for the piercing ball :-] Hope you're doing ok.
Hiding - Sounds like you all and your family are having such a hard time at the moment. How are things within your family? I hope that it all goes ok getting the scan for your daughter tomorrow. Hang in there, things will settle down soon and become manageable again. You're being very brave.
Lynx - That will be nice to have your harp tomorrow. Hope you're ok.
Labyrinth - I understand how you feel, but I would encourage you to try as hard as you can to keep fighting and to keep reaching out for support. Hope you are ok.
ShadowLight - So sorry you had such a stressful day! Hope that your evening is more restful and peaceful. Is the meet you mentioned an RYL meet?
**
Another very hard day for us today and lots of flashbacks, some new ones too. Sigh.
everything inside are so tired.
the littles are scared of the flashbacks.
thea keeps repeating please let us die please let us die please us die Emily and penny just want it all to stop and I'm so tired.
I'm starting to feel so unsafe. Should I call the HTT? I don't want to waste their time
Oh god I would love to slip into a coma right now.
I need help, I need somebodys help.
I'm so, so very sorry.
