I've no idea if there's a trigger.. there was last year - don't remember many lectures, there's a dog that scared me? But this year there's nothingI can pin down. Except the dissociation overall is worse.
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Swirling is the word, thoughts, feelings, sensations swirling in a blender. going on random patterns, but htere's patterns insdie linking everything and nothing to gether at the same time. and it's all stuck, under the surface until i want to scream with everything, but i'm not allowed and then there's lockdown and o can feel nothing outside, not my skin, nothing and my voice gets locked and i can't say anything and there's so much fear that it feels like there's physical ropes tying me down and somethign gagging me and there's no way I can ever speak
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
According to Jocelyn one of my alters just had a really vivid flashback and I'm suffering for it. I have an aching stomach with some sharp pains and I feel really drained and tired.
When I was little the pain of the r*pes would make me pass out and I do feel quite lightheaded. I just feel generally ill now.
I'm really sorry other people here are having such a difficult time right now. You are all beautiful people, survivors! You don't deserve to suffer at all.
Much love and cuddles if wanted xoxox
strange thing is i don't know of any abuse relating to churches with me... i don't really know why i have such a problem with it. i grew up very religious but now i get headaches and dissociate especially if i have to be in a service, at least with this particular type of church. i'm not really sure what to make of it.
i feel really impulsive right now. i'm not generally impulsive, but i'm wanting to contact people i normally would want away from and stuff like that. not sure what to make of it. the dissociation seems to not be there so much, but it's hard to tell. at least i'm not getting the unpleasant feelings or anything associated with dissociation.
Stereotypes are the epitome of human laziness.
- me
thank you Kyle. I really dont want her to end up like me or worse and getting hurt in different or worse ways or ruining her life.
on another note.. told mike about our SI yesterday. just cant hide things from him..it eats at me to even try shocked we hid it for the whole day yesterday as it was. he isnt happy and agrees it probably needs a stitch or two. but he is more upset over the fact that it could easily get infected and is so..open. but he understands our reasons for doing it just wishes we wouldnt anymore and wants us to be more careful if we do. =/ i dont feel so bad about doing it as i do the fact of hiding it from him or upsetting him by telling him. ya know?
anyhow i should try to sleep more before having to get up in about 3 hrs for work.. Hiding
The flashbacks are getting stronger.
The pain is unbearable, to the point I'm sick.
I don't want this anymore. I don't want this anymore.
Stupid counselling did this to me. I can't deal with it.
I don't want it.
*comforts Emma* hang in there sweetie.. remember its not happening now .. try to truly see what is around you and that you are safe now.. I hope they ease up soon.. PM if yoiu want or need to ok? Hiding
Emma - Hope you all got through last night safely and that today is better for you. Sorry that you felt so horrid after one of the alter's flashback. Sounds really distressing and scary. Here if you ever need to talk. Did you have counselling today? Stay safe sweetie.
Hazel - How are you doing at the moment?
Hiding - I'm really glad that the counsellor seems nice and seems to have connected well with Aly, that's a good sign. I'm glad that Aly is talking honestly. Sounds like it might help her to be able to be more open with you. I'm glad that in the end you told Mike and that he was understanding and concerned. Hope that today is better.
Scath - Your description of the swirling and lockdown is so well written and I can really relate to those feelings. Are you able to get it all out somewhere? Do you do much journalling? Sometimes I find I can write when I can't speak. Not always. But if you can try and get things out in some (non-harmful) way it might help. It's a really lonely place when you're stuck in Silent World. Just want you to know you're not alone :-]
InsanityLives - How do you cope with working there? Are you able to manage it?
Joelle - Hope you're ok, nice to see you here :-]
Beautiful Seclusion - Sounds really confusing with the religious stuff. Just take it slowly, and if there's anything to remember, you will remember it when you are feeling safe and stable enough, and if there isn't then slowly the dissociation should improve anyway. I know how upsetting it is to dissociate and not know why, I hope it gets better and makes more sense soon. How are you doing today? Did you cope with the impulsivity ok?
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I am having an absolutely shitty day. Therapy was really dreadful and I feel utterly revolting and filled with yuck yuck yuck memories. I have another appointment in half an hour. I can't wait for this piece of crap day to be over.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Hey, sorry to hear everyone's feeling kinda bad, hope it passes soon for all of you (:
No college with the girls today, just work experience. Got my 3 ear piercings yesterday and now Onyx wants to get more. She loves the needles and stuff.
Fraction, I often can't write when I'm in lockdown. Definitely not handwriting, I can't write fast enough for the words and thoughts to fall out of my head and I lose track of what I'm thinking and then get even more frustrated with myself. I might type it out, and it's disjointed and messy, but someone will delete it. Instead of pressing post here I find my hands deleting all text I've written. I'm surprised the hide box in my other post is still up; that kind of writing goes missing for me.
So not much journalling. And the little I do doesn't survive.
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Bleh. I've been sat at work for the past half hour, feeling flashbacks and high anxiety. At least my work is quite anti-social (thank god for research) so I don't need to talk to people, but it's really hard to read papers and concentrate.
*offers hugs to everyone* We're all having a pretty shitty time right now, aren't we?
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
We don't want this anymore. No more.
If we're not there anymore how come we see, hear, feel it every second of every day and mindfulness/grounding/self soothing doesn't take it away?
If we're not there anymore, how comes we are still victims?
Kitkat - Ooh what piercings did you get? Hurrah for no college today :-] How's your day been?
Scath - Did you get through the rest of the time at work ok? Yeah, research is great sometimes isn't it :- D Sorry to hear how hard you find it to journal. It sounds really frustrating and isolating for you. I'm glad that you are able to talk a bit on here though. And I'm always here if you want to get things off your chest.
Cherry Tree - I can understand that. Sometimes we get frustrated when people tell us that we're safe now and it's in the past etc etc because for us the past and present blur and with flashbacks and stuff it's happening still all the time... I don't know what to suggest, apart from the usual grounding/ self soothing/ expression/ etc stuff, but please know that I'm here if you need to talk.
**
I'm having an absolutely terrible day and I feel awful.
yeah i think its a good sign just wish she was at the location closest to us more than once a week with later appts.. hoping we wont have to pull her from school every week for it but we will do what we need to. really hoping itll work well for Aly and help her.
Emma (Cherry Tree)- sorry i feel as i am not addressing you correctly but not sure of your name.. I am sorry grounding isnt working much. Sadie hasnt had many full flashbacks but wrapping in a warm blanket or having michael hold her or reading or listening music seems to help some for her.
sorry uor are struggling so much lately.. but glad you are writing and reaching out here ..please keep trying dont give up ok? pm if you need to talk ok? take care and stay safe. thinking about yall Hiding
Last edited by hidingme : 19-10-2010 at 07:32 PM.
Reason: typos correction
Thanks, I'm doing a bit better. stressed about school but trying to take it one step at a time. i missed two weeks cause i was in the hospital so now there's some catch up.
Stereotypes are the epitome of human laziness.
- me
Hello we hope everyone is ok we have been switching a lot and the host no longer feels safe on this site so we have not been about much for this we are sorry
I see that ashleigh has introduced herself. Thanks for the welcome. Been experiencing an intense increase in the amount of external switching and feel very overwhelmed with the experience. Not used to everyone being so active I guess.
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he has ramped up the violence in the last couple of days which is triggering flashbacks and nightmares, and increasing my anxiety by a million percent.
i went to the doctors today ended up having a sonogram even though i haven't decided what i am doing. i don't know how the doctor convinced me to do it, i just wanted to discuss options and before i knew i was staring a screen that held life and future hope, i get the heartbeats out of my head....it appears there isn't just one but two little bundles growing inside me.
just relaly overwhelmed. sorry.
take care of yourselves.
finding.
life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
*offers Fraction big big hugs* Hope you're okay, sorry to hear you're struggling ): but to answer your question, I got my second holes done on my lobes and I got my snug pierced (search it in Google images, it's really hard to describe where it is on the ear (: )
Rachel, sorry to hear you don't feel safe on here anymore. If you want to talk you can always PM us. Thinking of you all.
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I've got into a habit of saying "ite" whenever I see someone, which is fine, but when I'm watching TV I can hear someone inside just saying "ite" over and over again. I can't figure out who it is, but I don't know how to get them to stop.
