What a shitty weekend. Really not coping at all. And feeling so paranoid I think everyone hates us. Finding it hard to say anything out loud. So many things going bad.
supportive thoughts and hugs for those that desire and are in need.
i feel like i am losing myself - i feel like these other parts of myself are taking over....i feel as if i am far away writing from a distant place. does this make sense? i wrote to my therapist this afternoon todays session i was not present it was someone else...i think. i don't know. i feel so confused and anxious. i also interrupted my studies -which has left me feeling quite stupid and worthless like i should have been able to to handle uni and all this stuff. bah, i feel like i am going crazy.
sorry.
life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
fraction & reason - *hugs* i hope things get easier for both of you soon. its very hard when something ig going on and you are left in the dark confused..
Kyle- really? thatis so not good.. we sounds like a teenager..ugh..hate my voice.
kit kat- that is strange.. wonder why? does anyone else feel that way inside?
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Sadie - I don't know, I just feel that it's not my own voice... I don't feel that this body is mine, this isn't what I should look like.
Fraction - sorry to hear your weekends been shitty, if it's any consolation we also feel that everyone hates us, especially at the new college where we don't really know anyone...
Losing a lot of time. In and out, in and out. Hard to keep track of anything. Feels like I'm a TV screen and someone else keeps switching channels all the time!
Sorry I haven't been doing individual replies. But I have been reading and thinking of you all. Hazel it's nice to see you, I hope things are going ok.
Kitkat yeah had some new memories over the weekend, really really really bad ones, things just don't seem to be easing up! Before this weekend I'd had about two weeks of just... blankness. Keep finding myself in places no idea how I get there and have to try and figure it out without people realising. Feel like such a failure such a burden.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Hey Hazel, hope you're alright.
It's understandable you feel like that, but I'm sure you aren't a burden on anybody, nor are you a failure. This is just a difficult time for you, go easy on yourself (:
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
I think I'm looking at myself through someone else's eyes... In the last few days I've become really obsessed with my body. I can't stop looking at myself in the mirror (I know that sounds totally vain) but I feel that the mirror is lying to me. Am I fatter than I think? Am I thinner than I think?
I just can't tell anymore... Do I trust the mirror or do I trust my own self-image, both of which seem to be incredibly distorted.
Recently I think that I am morbidly obese... I think that I am covered in fat, everywhere, even though I know I'm not...
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
I don't have college on a Monday or a Tuesday (Tuesday for work placement, Monday off for coursework) but I'm hoping it'll be better on Wednesday.
I told this group of girls that all this trouble I was having with this other girl shouldn't be sorted out by them, that it's fine, that I'm used to people ignoring me and disliking me. They said I shouldn't stand for that. But they just don't understand, I've been standing for it my whole life, I can't change those habits now.
I hope that things get easier with the girls and that you find people who you can relate to and who can relate to you. I hope your work placement goes well tomorrow, do you enjoy it?
I know what you mean about the distortions in perception. I'm anorexic, so for me it's part of the ED. Try to get objectivity on how you look - sometimes taking photos of yourself helps with that distance, or asking people you trust. Try not to obsess over it, it can become very dangerous. I hope you're ok. Do you think your fears about your appearance are a distraction from or an expression of deeper fears and worries?
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Tomorrow is my first day, I'm rather nervous.
I've had problems with my eating since Year 9. I got ill one weekend, lost weight because I couldn't eat, and continued to not eat. And then it started. I was fine. Then I was being sick. Then I was restricting. Then I was fine. If it's done right I can lose quite a lot in one week, which isn't healthy. I know it isn't. But I don't feel there's any other way I can stop being so fat.
Photos don't help... I still think I look really fat. Can't stand full body photos. I do ask people I trust but... They can't exactly turn round and say "You're overweight". Whenever I get a little bigger my Mum says, "You could stand to lose some weight".
EDIT: They could be a distraction, but I don't know what from... As you may have seen me post, I think that my Mum only loves me conditionally and that's been hurting recently.
Last edited by Kitkat :) : 04-10-2010 at 08:31 PM.
Reason: Forgot a bit
I'm really sorry to hear how much you struggle with it. Have you ever tried to get help with it? Not sure what to advise, I'm floating away now, but before I go I wanted you to know that I understand how distressing it is and that you deserve so much more than this sweetie. Thank you for your support this evening. Here for you any time. xxx
