It sounds like they mocked because they didn't understand, or were scared by what can happen to people. Maybe even things happened to them they didn't want to look at, so they ridiculed it in you and took advantage of you.
my name is ashleigh - i used to be a member here for years went away for bit and have just recently returned. i read this thread all the time and to be honest it is one place that i feel somewhat comfortable in but i still don't know if i fit. my therapist thinks that there is definitely some DID going on and I understand it academically, but I guess what I don't see in me is the distinctness in the alters. Can others relate to this?
I definitely lose chunks of time on a regular basis particularly now due to the high level of stress and threat i am under. and i think the 'voices' i here could be the alters sharing their views.
i dunno it's very confusing, i am doing alot of trauma work right now and it's bringing things up and these 'voices' are getting stronger, and the dissociating time is happening more frequently. i would be interested in hearing from others, sorry if this isn't the proper place.
be well all,
ashleigh
life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
Hello everyone, we hope you are all having a good day.
Ashleigh, I understand what you mean. You can always PM us if you would like to talk more :-]
We feel so, so low and depressed. Very suicidal. There's a lot going on in our head but it's hard to hold onto any of it for long enough to work out what it is. We keep hearing HIM saying the things he used to say when he r*ped us and it's so distressing and makes us feel dirty and disgusting.
Hey guys,
We haven't been around much. In hospital and trying to, in some way keep a sense of 'togetherness'
Ashleigh, you are more than welcome here. It's not surprising to hear through doing the trauma work some of these things get exacerbated. It sounds like you are doing some really difficult work in therapy. How do you think it's going?
Losing time can be very scary and confusing, we definitely understand that.
Fraction, Things sound really hard at the moment. Do you have support in place to help you hold steady?
You are not dirty, him and what he did to you was wrong and dirty, but you are not dirty at all.
Lost Boys, we have been thinking about you often and hoping that your time in hospital is helping you all. How are you finding it? Are things any calmer and clearer in your head?
Thank you so much for what you said. At the moment we see our CPN every couple of weeks and our GP to monitor weight etc, but our psychotherapist is on a month's leave. We actually decided this week that we need to find a new therapist, because our current one does not have enough experience in what happened to us. So we (well, our mum) are now waiting to hear back from the rape and sexual assault service about who to go to next. In day to day life our family are amazing, particularly our mum, who we talk to a lot. To be honest, every day it's an achievement to wake up alive and out of hospital.
I have been in therapy for years but only about three years ago did I remember the trauma and abuse, and only in the last probably six months have i started feeling. I am now feeling very single lived experience, emotion, anything right now and it's horrible, but I suppose needed. scary as hell.
i sense there are different parts of me, but they don't feel completely distinct. i know there is a very scared little girl inside, and a twelve year old who believes that everything and anything is her fault. i don't know, just trying to sus it all out.
can i ask if others have experienced similar uncertainty, or were your alters distinct from the start?
take good care,
ashleigh
life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
I never actually told them what happened just that i'm not a virgin and well i feel so disgusting
Hello to everyone else i dont know what else to say
Jade x
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
feeling rather trapped in all of this.... like all the pieces add up to a puzzle that no one can put together, or, rather, they can... but the picture is confusing to them, overwhelming. there are people that scare me within this body. people i don't know and people i don't understand. people that have all their existence had command to do nothing but hurt. spinners coming at night. head hurting. body hurting. trying my best to keep things together in one way or another but not feeling brilliant with things at all. i know that people are seriously struggling and whilst i'm personally not actively suicidal i know that there are people who are. i can't directly communicate with the one i know does most damage. when they want to hurt us, they don't hold back. when there is an agreement not to go too far- i still have ended up needing surgery to fix what they've done, and having to explain i have no idea exactly how things have happened because its information they won't share.
lonely is not knowing how to explain how you feel- how to even begin... being so terrified you are punished from the inside out for even thinking of it.
I'm angry, really angry.
people think im their property well im not. people think their stronger than me but their ****ing not! no one knows what we've been through.
rape.abuse.teasing.miscarrage
No one knows what we've been through and yet they feel the ****ing right to judge us.
call us fragile and disturbed!! who are they? who are they to mock us.
So no I'm not a very nice person but who the hell would blame me?
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
hi Clover. You are totally completely 100% correct - NOONE have ANY right to judge you and no f***ing right at all to mock you! What the hell??? Why on earth would they think they had a right to do that? Some people are just f***ing IDIOTS! You are strong, you have to be to have survived and NOONE should tell you otherwise
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
Hey everyone, sorry we haven't been around.
Emma, sorry to hear your alters are being slightly difficult, as Katie said have you got an idea as to what they may be keeping from you?
Lostboys, hope hospital is working out for you.
Fraction, hope you're okay too, it's great that you're managing to stay out of hospital and still get up in the morning. We're glad to hear your family are being so supportive (:
Michelle and Clover, I agree with you too. No one has any right to judge or mock, especially after what you've been through. Some people can be so f*cking insenstive, and it really p*sses us off too. If you weren't strong you wouldn't be here, people are just so oblivious to what they haven't been through or experienced.
As for us... Kathryn had a letter through from the Met Police. When she told her T about the sexual abuse she alerted the police, and now we have to talk to the police about it to "close the case that was automatically opened". She shouldn't have told anyone.
I have been in therapy for years but only about three years ago did I remember the trauma and abuse, and only in the last probably six months have i started feeling. I am now feeling very single lived experience, emotion, anything right now and it's horrible, but I suppose needed. scary as hell.
i sense there are different parts of me, but they don't feel completely distinct. i know there is a very scared little girl inside, and a twelve year old who believes that everything and anything is her fault. i don't know, just trying to sus it all out.
can i ask if others have experienced similar uncertainty, or were your alters distinct from the start?
take good care,
ashleigh
Let me share a bit of my experience. For years I had only two other parts, "White" and "Black." At first they were so intertwined with me I didn't know where they ended and I began, but they gradually became more distinct. When they feel safe enough to come forward, they will. For now, they might just feel too scared of the outside world. I know a lot of mine are.
I have read and thought about everyone here. Sending gentle hugs especially to Obadiah and Ash.
---
Well, I have an interesting tidbit to share--I am going to EMT school! For those who don't know that stands for Emergency Medical Technician, AKA the guys who take care of people in ambulances. I start next semester, as well as Biology and Chemistry classes as pre-requisites to nursing school. I'm pretty excited.
Hope everyone has a good rest of the day.
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
I have a problem... There are certain memories I do (and always have had) from when I was younger, but I've always denied them and said I have none (I don't have many, but I do have a few real memories on top of the "flashes")... It also mean that I've lied about how I met my ex as I met him during this time that I remember little of so I pretended that I met him when I was 16 when really I knew him already. Now I am scared that if I do tell people the truth of what I do remember and things that they will accuse me of lying and making everything up
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
I'm sure they would understand, it's not like you lied on purpose to gain something out of it. Seeing it from your point of view it would've been easier to say "I have no memories from before the age of so-and-so" rather than "I have a few memories, along with flashes of when I was this age and this age and this age." I certainly don't regard you a liar as to the age you met your ex, it's probably more convenient for you to say you met him at 16 rather than the age you did.
Jade we are sorry you had trouble in school and people were mean to you kids are very mean in school.. we always were made fun of cause our hips are crooked ( we didnt know that till afew yrs ago after an xray) and it makes us walk funny I guess. we were made fun of for our full lips..black girls even called us fish lips.. does that make ANY sense?! and we were made fun of for our maiden name as well.. not fun..=( SADIE
michaek is upset cuz hiding bought sarah a pacifer. sarah does want it all the time just sometimes when she is sleepy, upset and scared. he thinks she is too old for it cuz she is 6 and the body is 33 but she really wants that comfort sometimes. right now michael is washing clothes wish he went earlier cuz its getting late. he wanted us to cook meatloaf but the meat wasnt thawed enough so we decided to do it tomorrow. we cooked last night anyhow. so he will probably be upset and hiding and sarah are scared he willbe upset with us.
Clover~ it is freaking stupid that anyone would treat yall that way.. people are so damn mean..grr. SADIE
