Hey Kathryn, seems like we both have destructive ones. I don't know why he wanted to self-harm, but I know it wasn't me who did it, because I usually know what triggers me and I don't want to care for the cuts afterward. But I felt the urge to take care of them because Anthony did it.
"Waking up" to self-harm is no fun :(.
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
No one's self harmed for a while. I think it's been about 3 months... But the pressure of not doing it is slowly building up. I feel it's only a matter of time before one of us break, and I hope it's me who does it, because then I can control where I do it and I'll make sure it's easy to hide.
I feel so bleak and despairing.
My defensive system has been clearly 'blown open'.
And I feel devastated.
My heart hurts so much.
Katie was never supposed to know how 'defective' I am/what she really carries inside of herself.
Katie already knew a little of the problematic parts of her personality. They're the bits that hurt her, physically and mentally, and keep her lonely. I was thinking about the word "defect" and how blaming and critical it can sound. How irreparable. I wonder if it's a little more about those parts of Katie that have been built up from past experiences in an effort to protect her, but now aren't as necessary and so hold her in an unhappy place instead. Those walls can be broken down. It takes a long time, though. You are not a problem, Katie. You just have some walls. And there is hope, for compassion, understanding, and moving forwards.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
The weirdest thing just happened... I walked into my room and smelt the strongest smell of cigarette smoke... So I checked my box to see if I'd smoked one. I've gained a cigarette. How the hell did I gain a cigarette? I would've sworn on my life that I had two, in fact I remember making a mental note that I had 2 and needed to buy some. But I have 3? Where did that come from?
I just found a flat in london that accepts housing benefit!!! After 2 months of hunting and being turned doen from over 40 flats I have found one that says in the advert "housing benefit accepted"!!!
Katie already knew a little of the problematic parts of her personality. They're the bits that hurt her, physically and mentally, and keep her lonely. I was thinking about the word "defect" and how blaming and critical it can sound. How irreparable. I wonder if it's a little more about those parts of Katie that have been built up from past experiences in an effort to protect her, but now aren't as necessary and so hold her in an unhappy place instead. Those walls can be broken down. It takes a long time, though. You are not a problem, Katie. You just have some walls. And there is hope, for compassion, understanding, and moving forwards.
Thanks Laura. The exact thing my tutor said was that I have some "defects in [my] character in relation to teaching, and [i] have difficulty getting on with people." Yes, the word 'defect' sucks. And I think it feels so painful too that my therapist didn't.. soften the word when she yesterday agreed with what my tutor had said to me all those years ago. Maybe that's up to me.
I'll read over what you said again later, as brain's still a bit foggy, to say the least.
And thank you Kat, too.
Hazel, I really hope this flat works out for you. I really do.
Jacks parents seem convinced that when it comes to it my parents will agree to sign... they refuse to believe how totally insane and evil my parents can be
but trying not to think about that lol
well I rang about the flat... housing benefit is ok, but only with a gurantor... which I do not have 